Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Him...


I read something the other day about a couple that split because the depression was too much for one of them to deal with. It made me think about my spiral into the anxiety filled depression after I had my daughter.
I was experiencing things I had no idea how to deal with. He never left though. I tried to break up with him at least once a week for six months. He stayed. The days I would just stare out the window, he was there to take care of The Bug. Those days when I could barely manage to pull myself out of the bed, he was there to cook, clean, and lay with me. He smiled and hugged me everyday…even on those highly volatile days.
We fought, yelled, cursed, and screamed. He never left though.
Everyday was filled with hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement. 
“We will get through this together. You didn’t leave me when things got tough for me. I’m not going anywhere. If we have to yell, curse, and fight everyday, I will be here to get you through this.”
So when someone pulls a Kim K. on the person they supposedly love so much, I wonder just how much they really loved them. It IS difficult but if ALL of us just want to be loved, why wouldn’t love be enough here?
Before my post partum nightmare, I would often describe him as the most selfish person I had ever met. His selfishness, due to being an only child. The time, emotional strength, and sacrifices he made to stay by my side are priceless though. Sometimes I feel like I owe my life to him because if I had been alone, The Bug might not have a mommy right now.
When I felt like I had no one to understand, it was him who helped me without any judgment. Our relationship might not be the conventional, traditional portrait that others are used to but it works for us. I would not have wanted to experience this with anyone other than him.
The most selfish person in my world turned out to be the most giving…he solidified a spot in my heart and life that was a revolving door. He encompassed what I have always believed a best friend should be. He loved me when I was at my most unlovable.
While people grow apart everyday, THIS is why no one could ever take his place. Regardless of us staying in a romantic relationship, he will always be the greatest love of my life…

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Vulnerability


It is something I HATE working on but I still do it.
I do not like intentionally letting people know what hurts me the most. Being taken advantage of is not the business. However, I do not build walls to see who will tear them down. I would be expecting far more from others than I would be giving.
It is not fair for me to punish people who WANT to know me because someone else did not amount to shit. I have grown to accept that it IS a part of life. People come and go. Learning how to let go is sometimes the difficult part. Not, refusing to feel. That is only a mind game we play with ourselves.
We eventually lose and that is when it hurts even more. That game will wear anyone out. Leaving us in a “why me” state of mind. Why you? Why not? Sometimes we get these thoughts in our heads that we are above normal human being stuff. I attribute it mainly to ego. 
How we bounce back from effed up shat and people, is the determining factor of how well we deal with LIFE. There are some things I have not bounced back from. I acknowledge them when they come up. One day, I will get over them. Until then, I allow myself vulnerable moments. I write.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Life...and Where It Is Taking Me

I said that I was going to do better about posting to this blog...it hasn't happened yet. I spend SO much time on tumblr that I forget to update Blogger. There is a certain level of calm on that website that I no longer felt I had over here. There are several people who I KNOW have access to this blog so that is why I don't post here as frequently anymore. Sometimes I want to just get things off of my chest, free of judgment from those I care about. I wanted to write freely without everyone and their mama thinking I was writing about THEM.

However, since I am making MORE of a conscious effort to make certain life adjustments, I am choosing to get over that shat. There are some things that I changed about myself, in an effort to get along better with those I loved and called "friend". However, those adjustments were made for people who weren't too willing to do the same. I have a TOTALLY different perspective when it comes to...humanity. 

My initial views might have come across as me being naive and gullible. I'm a person who operates on face value, most of the time. However, there are a LOT of people who leave a LOT of things "hidden" about themselves. I've never believed that I should have to dig you out of your shell. Either you're going to be your TRUE self around me, or you're not. If it comes to my attention that you're a fraud at life, then you have to go. My tolerance for humankind has limits now....

That tolerance is not in reference to personal life choices people make. That tolerance is in reference to how much I will let slide, AS IT PERTAINS TO HOW I AM TREATED. I don't desire to be around adults that behave like children. Since we ARE adults, I will expect EVERYONE who CHOOSES to interact with me, TO ACT LIKE IT. If you can't, that's fine. We just won't be close. And...no one is grandfathered in. I don't care if we have been cool for 15 years...when the tantrums, brattiness, and selfishness appears, I'm saying something IMMEDIATELY. If someone doesn't like it, too bad; we don't have to stay friends.

Life has ALWAYS taken me on some GREAT adventures. Some of them have been invigorating and enjoyable, while others have seemed like pages out of Dante's Inferno. Either way, they have ALL been learning experiences. I feel like I've matured in certain areas where I don't have to KEEP learning the same thing. I got it, it's all good, and it's time to learn some new shat.

I'm currently looking forward to processing different things AND people. So here's to life and where it's taking me!

Friday, February 25, 2011

about Amber and Ann...


Yesterday, I sat down and talked to two other mothers who experienced Post Partum Depression and Post Partum Anxiety. We talked for almost 2 hours about the women we were before pregnancy, the women we became after having the baby, and the women we wanted to ultimately become. The entire time I talked to them, I could not help feeling a slight tinge of sadness that I had to find comfort from the ears of strangers…versus those who I had grown close to over the years.
It felt good to REALLY know that there are some women who have gone through EXACTLY what I have experienced in the last couple of years. I have read several accounts of women with PPD and my mother shared her experience with me. However, these women were sitting right across from me…and this has made a huge difference. They never assumed I was going to kill my daughter or that I even harbored those feelings. They were compassionate and empathetic. It was more of a relief and it actually helped.
This morning, a young lady tweeted how we are taught to take care of ourselves physically but most of us are not taught anything in regards to mental health. It is very true in my case.
I can still hear my father telling me, “No one really likes a stupid girl so that is why intelligence is so important.” So being smart was his focus. My mother was intent on teaching me all of the things that would allow me to be a good mate to someone one day (cooking, cleaning, submission, etc.). In the midst of ALL that teaching, never once did my parents teach me or my siblings how to deal with our “demons”. I honestly believe it was because they did not how to deal with their own.
After talking to Amber and Ann, it solidified my decision to educate my daughter about mental health. Just as eating McDonald’s everyday will ultimately lead to debilitating health, so will not releasing her emotions in a healthy way. I was taught not to cry, even when I was in physical pain. This taught me how to have a high tolerance to physical pain. I adopted the same attitude when it came to my mental health too…because my parents were not too keen on fully discussing how we felt either. At 31, I know that this has not helped me AT ALL.
Listening to Amber and Ann express how important it was for their children to be okay with how they felt, let me know I am not the only parent who obsesses about wanting the best, ACROSS THE BOARD, for their child. I do not want my daughter to ever feel like she has no one to go to. My parents live thousands of miles from me, as do my siblings. Pooda’s other grandparents live in another state and her father has no siblings. So sometimes it IS just us three. We are all we got. I never want her to forget that either…
Our friends are not always there for us when we need them the most and that is when you realize, sometimes you are more of a friend to other people than they are a friend to you. There is a quote that says, in summary, if you cannot deal with me at my worst, then you do not deserve me at my best. Every time I have tried to talk with someone I THOUGHT was close to me and they give off the vibe that this is not the conversation they want to have, I remember that quote. From the outside looking in, I might not appear to be “at my worst” but mentally, I know I am.
If we are REAL friends, you should at least have the balls to say “hey, I don’t know how to respond to this”. Completely brushing it off as if it is of no concern though? That lets me know where we stand. I have never desired to have friends who are not FULLY supportive so this shedding period has probably been long past due. We all want different things out of friendships but this is essential for me. Talking to Amber and Ann gave me the necessary clarity to just move the fuck on and away from these people.
They might be perfect friends to someone else but it is time for me to let go. I would say it is nothing personal but…it is. I am at a different place in life right now and I need people around me that understand that. If they do not want to see me walk away, they will communicate like the adults they are. If their level of comfort is more important, THAT, I will not take personal.  How could I when my level of comfort is SO important right now?
Amber is about to have her second son and she gave me the assurance I have been trying to swallow…it DOES get better. She said I might not walk away from this with EVERYTHING I desire but you cannot have it all. I knew that because logically, how could you not? But when it comes to how you FEEL, logic sometimes gets thrown out of the window. Sure it is easy to say “GET THE FUCK OVER IT!” but it is not that easy to do. MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS CHANGED…in two years. One day people will fully grasp that…
I was making good money at my job, driving the vehicle of my dreams, eating out whenever and wherever I wanted, taking trips out of town, picking up entire tabs when me and my friends would go out, buying clothes/shoes whenever I wanted, dating whoever I wanted, and other stuff that made my life SEEM grand.
ALL of that has changed…I am living the COMPLETE opposite of EVERYTHING I mentioned above. Anyone who says it is not that serious…is delusional. I had been independent for 13 years; moved out at 16 yrs old and been taking care of myself since then. There was no going back and forth to my parents financially or emotionally. So imagine what having to depend on someone else NOW would do to someone…while I have this tiny person who needs 100% of me. Yes, there is someone else going through a more terrible ordeal than I but the flip side to that is, there is someone else experiencing a better life than what I am living. Sorrow, pain, and adversity is all relative….
ALL pain feels the same…it hurts…regardless of it being a knife wound or a gun shot.
I will never downplay anyones anguish…so please do not downplay mine. If you cannot deal, just go away. We will both be better off.
So here is to improved mental health :-D

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

about MY postpartum depression...


I had a great doctor that looked out for me while I was pregnant. She could sense things about me and my pregnancy without me ever saying anything. It was uncomfortable for someone I barely knew to be so empathetic to what I was going through. I passed it off as her just doing her job and being good at it.
She always asked me how I felt about my pregnancy and I gave her very vague responses because…I did not know her. Every visit though, she would tell me that if I needed to talk about ANYTHING, she was there and to just call her. I had a pretty complicated pregnancy too; my daughter was 100% fine the entire time though.
However, my body was not adjusting because of other things that were going. Anytime I would call her about the complications though, she would call me back within 5-10 minutes…no matter how small the complication was. Several times she called me just to check on me. During those times, she would always ask if I was okay and if I needed to talk. Of course because I did not really know her, I always said, “I’m good but thanks for asking”.
After I had the baby, I had to take this test to see if I was headed down the road of postpartum depression. I tucked the test away because I figured if I did not focus on that, it would not happen. She repeatedly asked if I took the test and I finally did. I lied on the test because…I was embarrassed. As I sit here typing, I wish I had not.
She asked me several times after the test if I had been honest and I lied every single time. 
I figured, back then, that maybe this depression thing was all in mind, no pun intended. Any time I mentioned it to someone I always got the same responses:
  • you’re better than that
  • you’re not really depressed
  • you’re strong enough to get over that
  • oh please!
The only people who actually took my concerns seriously were two people who were thousands of miles away from me…my mother and my sister. I have never missed them so much. This is not something I can deal with over the phone or through an email. I need my mother and my sister….
I think that some people see who I was before my daughter and think that I should automatically have stayed that way. Having a child is a HUGE life changing experience and if a simulation existed that could allow people to even relate a little bit, I would suggest EVERYONE test it out. I thought I was strong enough to withstand anything…but I am not.
I wish the people I was closest to understood this…it is not an act. It is not a cry for attention. It is my life and I do not want to keep feeling like this every day but…I do. I worry about my daughter all the time because I just want to be a good mother to her but I feel other things too. It is a neverending cycle that I sometimes sit and attempt to solve…but I do not think straight all the time. A large portion of my daily thoughts are how and what I can do to MAKE myself end this.
Asking for help from people who do not understand this is sometimes like speaking Spanish to someone who only hears English. Some people genuinely feel there is nothing they can do to help someone in this state. 
I look at my daughter and see how independent she is and it pains me. She does not even like anyone to hold her hand…much like me. I just want her to know that it is okay to ask for help and KEEP asking until you get what you need. I did not KEEP asking for help and it put me in this predicament. Now, when I ask for help, it is not received well and I am misunderstood. Maybe I am not conveying my thoughts as well as I once did but I am actively trying.
ALL of this is new to me…this level of depression…having to depend on someone else…giving up my freedom…raising this tiny, wonderful person who just wants to learn everything from me…and I feel like I have very little to teach her sometimes. It is taking some time for me to adjust and there are days I sit and just pray for help…
I guess the good that can come out of this is…whoever cannot deal with me at my worst will fade out of my life. My only hope is that the people who claim to love me the most, stick with me while I make my way through this.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

trying not to neglect blogger anymore...

I intended to come back and post on Blogger but I have a love/hate relationship with it.

There are a lot of things/people I have been separating myself from since Babybottoms was conceived. Accepting that people you once cared for, do not have your best interest at heart...hurts.

But...moving forward...I am back to submerging myself in my writing. I am in my 30's now and one day closer to my goals I had dreamed up in my 20's. I have had some MAJOR, difficult life changes; some things I have had a constant battle with every day...other things I have grasped and never looked back.

I am grateful for ALL of the life experiences I have had in the last two years. It has started the process of filtering I was putting off for a while now. The things I attempted to change, thinking it was going to make me a better person, I found out are the things I need to keep the same.

I have just been living :)

So now, I am moving forward, living my life to the best of my ability. They say your 30's are supposed to be fun so that is what I am looking forward to. Spending my days with people who matter...with those who love me and my little family UNCONDITIONALLY. I know that is not an easy task to take on for ANYONE because it requires patience and learning every day. However, this is the stage of life I am at and I am excited to get to my future :)
 

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