Saturday, August 07, 2010

From the Outside Looking In



Sycophantic behavior disgusts me.

I see a lot of it when it comes to random people's views on celebrity relationships. In my last blog, I spoke on adultery being wrong no matter who commits it...even if it is one of your favorite artist. What I am talking about in this post is all the ass kissing of other people's relationships because they APPEAR to be perfect. It has become OBVIOUSLY clear that people are grossly concerned with how things LOOK, versus how they really are. Yes, we're told that image is EVERYTHING but if you have nothing real to go home to, is that REALLY your idea of EVERYTHING? You have nothing, actually.



There are so many women who claimed they wanted a relationship like Nas and Kelis. How cute they were whenever they were seen out together. How their looks complimented one another and blah, blah, blah. I bet none of you asskissers wish you had their relationship now. It wasn't like Nas or Kelis woke up one day and decided, oh, I hate him/her and now, I'm going to act a fool and make their life miserable. I have no doubt in my mind that they had some good times in their relationship but what a lot of people fail to take into consideration is, it is NEVER what it seems. Their relationship required work just like anyone elses. When they didn't want to work at it anymore, it failed.

Sure, you can get surface information in regards to someones relationship but only those two people intimately involved know in full depth, what goes on. 

What I have been seeing since I was a kid, with relationships, is people putting more emphasis on APPEARING perfect versus actually working on your relationship to be healthy. My mother and father used to do this idiotic shat all the time and I vowed to myself that if I EVER took any man serious enough to spend more time than usual with, I wouldn't make their mistake. You're allowed to be upset at your significant other if they do something that upsets you and vice versa. I'm not saying you have to walk outside with your mood all over your face but presenting an image as if NOTHING is ever wrong? It only makes people get in your business even more when something DOES go wrong. If your main focus is the "look of it all", your relationship was doomed the minute it began. Relationships are HARD work; you will have your glorious ups but you'll also have moments when you get irritated by one another and need your space. It's normal and that is life. Thinking it is going to be nothing but cute photo ops to post on Facebook and Twitter is a mistake.



I see women comment on how they would LOVE to have what Jay-Z and Beyonce have...how Will & Jada are doing the damn thing and so in love...I can keep listing relationships that women envy ALL day. It still doesn't mean that YOU'LL ever have EXACTLY what they have. I don't think these women consider ALL the hard work that goes into having THEIR relationship either. Just because Beyonce is smiling in 99% of the pictures with Sean, that doesn't mean she wasn't at home upset because he was doing something inappropriate or vice versa. WE don't know; all we see are their smiles, none of their cries. You don't see the "cries" until the shat hits the fan and it becomes a public spectacle. Then everyone's tone changes and it becomes a pointing finger game about who was wrong in a relationship that isn't even ANY of your business or mine.



Sure, Will & Jada have been married over 10 years and still appear to be VERY much in love but...who knows what they've been through during those 10+ years? So many people say they want THEIR relationship but those same people think open relationships are a load of horse dung. Well, that is one of the things they contribute to having a good marriage, amongst being best friends, and having a mutual respect that they do not desire from anyone else. My bad though, none of you "need to be seen" women can deal with that though, right? An open relationship allows THEM to be together; this isn't saying it's going to work for you but if you would smile at their relationship and say they are to be admired, you can't ignore WHAT makes it work FOR THEM. They aren't concerned about judgmental, conventional opinions of their marriage. ALL of the relationships that I've seen fail have been based on a traditional, conventional point of view. As far as I'M concerned, if they got it right doing something different, good for THEM.



Even Chris Brown and Rhianna...they were everyone's favorite couple, it was all love and "they're so cute together!" "I want a guy to look at me like Chris looks at her" and blah f*cking blah...until it got 'real'. Then EVERYONE forgot how in love they LOOKED and it turned into "he never loved her because if he did..." "young people always think they're in love when it's just lust" and more blah f*cking blah. REAL relationships are not like light switches; you aren't happily ON one day and within 24 hrs depressingly OFF with the ON switch nowhere in sight. Even when negative things happen, you STILL feel for that person...if you REALLY loved them in the first place.

From the general public, I see all of these demands for what one wants in a relationship but I never hear anyone saying how they would make their relationship work. Look at the basis of your relationship, the foundation, and if it was built on lust, having a good time, fantasies, delusions of grandeur, and daydreams, it will more than likely crumble. If your relationship was mainly built on hard work, friendship, love, honesty, and other redeemable qualities that come in handy when you're actually going through something with the person, you have a better chance of withstanding any tough times. Sadly, a LOT of relationships aren't "what can I do for you", they are more "what can YOU do for ME". Everyone needs balance because you should never be giving so much of yourself that you aren't getting anything or taking so much that you aren't giving anything of substantial value.

Balance is the key with anything you do in life. Once things get a little tilted in favor of one side, you'll more than likely see some problems and that is how you end up having altercations in your otherwise "perfect" relationship. How you come out of those altercations is what matters in the end. I think what people need to start doing is stop looking at other individuals lives and do what works best for them. To the more conventional, traditional mind, how I choose to live my life sometimes doesn't make sense. Even though I have given myself structure where needed, I don't box myself in with other peoples ideals of how life should be. Life changes EVERYDAY. What I was doing this time 2 years ago is VERY different than what I am doing today and it will be different tomorrow. I adjust my life where necessary and I just keep living it.

I think if people want to be in a relationship with someone that they think is perfect for them, they should make sure that they're doing everything to keep it that way. Selfishly holding on to a vision that requires the other person to work harder at dealing with you isn't going to give you a perfect anything. You'll end up separated and living your life without that person...much like the 'failed' celebrity relationships that were once idolized.

3 points of view:

always4evamoi said...

i hope im wrong, but lately, i find that relationships are very one-sided; one partner does more 'work' than the other. yes, balance is the key and i find that both parties has to be WILLING in finding that balance. there was a time where 'love conquered all' was really strong and now, it seems to be a fairy tale. people don't have respect for themselves and therefore, don't have respect for each other. you said it best: "Sadly, a LOT of relationships aren't "what can I do for you", they are more "what can YOU do for ME"."

AssertiveWit said...

always4evamoi: Unfortunately, I don't think you're wrong at all. Granted, there are DEFINITELY some healthy relationships out there where both people are pulling their weight but I am starting to see it less and less. Love doesn't conquer all anymore and relationships are rarely viewed that way when it's younger people involved. By younger, I mean people 30 and under. I am 30 and I will be honest and tell you, 5 years ago, I was not willing to do some of the things I will do today. It wasn't a necessity. If I had to work TOO hard, I would just bounce...because I could.
However, as you age, you should mature and I am grateful I did. It has made me a better person and I can only hope that others want to mature in that arena too...especially if they want to be in a REAL relationship with anyone.

AssertiveWit said...

When I wrote "I would just bounce...because I could", I don't want that to be misinterpreted. If someone is unhappy in their relationship, THEY should LEAVE. You should NEVER stay with someone who makes you miserable. What I meant was, I wouldn't leave over petty shat that has to do more so with me not getting my way. I work around those things now versus throwing in the towel and looking for someone who will "do what I say". Relationships aren't about bullying LOL

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