Monday, April 26, 2010

Being A Mommy Is Tough...Sometimes

I'm genuinely happy to be a mother to my daughter. I will tell anyone that God blessed me with the PERFECT child...for me. I am SO grateful for that because I know some mommy's have the spawn from hell they can't relate to. Babybottoms is an EVEN split of me and her father. When she isn't behaving similar to me, you can bet your next paycheck she's acting like her daddy. It makes it VERY easy to deal with her. I can't honestly complain about her being intolerable when she's a reflection of two people I love dearly...myself and her dad.

However, I won't delude you into thinking everything is a ray of bliss over here. It is still taking me a minute to adjust to her. It's a weird thing and I don't feel it has any bearing on how I raise her at all. It's just odd that this little person looks like me and acts like me but...is so different...all at the same time. Sometimes I sit in amazement that she exists. I didn't think I could love someone more than I love her dad but there you have it. It's a totally different kind of love though. 

I've always had problems sleeping since I was a kid but it's almost like I would sacrifice the rest of my sleep for my entire life to make sure she got one good night of rest. She isn't coping too well with the pollen here in Atlanta so her allergies are kicking her butt. She's been cranky...whiny...crying for 30 minutes at a time because she's hungry but can't breathe all that well from being stuffy...I felt so bad for her. I noticed something was a little "off" when her appetite dwindled down to eating almost nothing for 8 hours. She was noticeably tired and worn out but couldn't sleep because she was so congested. All she wanted to do was lean on my arm and hold her blanket. She even let her poody (pacifier) rest on her leg. Poody is usually popped in her mouth when she's tired.

I decided to do some reading while she was in this docile state. I picked Little Earthquakes out of my library and what do you know, it was a book about motherhood.

It has to be one of the best books I've read in a while. 

While Babybottoms is going through her first bout with not feeling well, I'm going through the mommy blues. Her dad works hard every day to keep me cheered up but sometimes I'm just...overwhelmed. I'd rather sit and stare at the paint on the wall then do all that damn laundry...clean the bathroom...cook dinner...take a shower. So pathetic, right? Reading Little Earthquakes is helping me though...it's almost like these are the 4 women I need in my life, even though they're characters in a damn book. What they are going through, I'M EXPERIENCING TOO! Most of my friends are single and childless so they just don't...understand. No matter how well I try to articulate what I'm feeling, I can see it in their eyes, it's just something they can't relate to so it isn't really a concern. I usually end up getting that look of pity and I hate seeing that in their eyes.

It's tough turning into a different person over night because you have to...sometimes I just want to be around people who "get" that, right now. This is something that no matter how well I word it, you couldn't possibly understand until you give birth to a child.

I sat talking to my friend who has a son a few weeks older than Babybottoms and I just wanted to break down in tears when I was talking to her about wanting someone to understand...then I looked at her and she looked like her eyes were a little glassy too. This is all new to me...I've never been this vulnerable and helpless in my life and I don't know if I'm "doing it" right. It's just...tough sometimes.

That's all.

13 points of view:

Relevantlystaying said...

First, that is the cutest picture ever of you and baby bottoms!! Secondly, Hang in there girl I say all the time I admire the strength of a mother.. Its almost like people immortalize you guys. Like “You’re a mother you can’t be weak, or have doubts or struggle with things” and that has got to be hard…. I admire you honey, and from what I can tell… You seem to be doing quite all right. All the best to you on the journey of mother hood and all it brings…

P.S. Gosh she is SUCH a cute baby!!

Brittni said...

Motherhood is so much more than anything I could've imagined. It's great and grueling all at the same time.

Jenny Brown said...

I love the pic of you and Babybottoms....and don't worry - every mother 'Has Her Days' - trust me....I've had 3 kids and sometimes it DOES get overwhelming, but hang in there! It's worth it! I'm sure you're a wonderful mother - I hear it in your words from your posts.......don't let it GET TO YOU when you have those 'not so great days'........Just looking in your little girls eyes, makes it all worth-while, doesn't it! :):)

luvlymskrissy said...

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm a single parent to a new baby. She's almost 6 months old and she's my 1st child as well. She's my world and i'd do anything for her. and as parents we do everything for our children. But as mothers, sometimes we need help. We need a break. We need some "me time". If you have someone you trust enough with your child you shouldn't hesitate to ask for help. Or ask for an hr to yourself. I've done it 2 times since Honey Boo has been born and it helped so much. After a short while I missed her but the break was needed. You're not alone tho. Other women are going through what we are. And other have already been there. I'm blessed to have plenty of mothers in my life and I go to them often if I have questions or just need to talk.

Also is your baby teethings? And have u taken her to the doc? Her condition sounds exactly like what honey boo went through 2 weeks ago. I thought she has allergies also. It turns out she had an ear infection. She had to take meds for 10 days. The doc says babies under a year old haven't lived through enough seasons to developed seasonal allergies. Only thing they can be allergic to right now are food and house hold allergies and also pets.

AssertiveWit said...

Relevantlystaying: thanks! I never imagined it to be so challenging; that isn't to say I thought it was "easy"...just not this "hard", you know?

Brittni: ahhh, a fellow mommy friend! you share my "pain" LOL

Jenny: thanks for making me feel a little more sane :) it does make it worth it to look at her though!

luvlymskrissy: I think I'm going to use my "get out of jail free" card with some of my friends who are always offering to babysit :)

I don't "self-diagnose" the kiddo; anytime something seems "weird" I either call my friend whose mom is a nurse, my mother, sister, or when it's REALLY "bad", I call the doctor. Just from listening to other people who have kids, I know different doctors say different things in regards to children so I'm not going to say that the information you have is wrong but when I talked to her doctor he SPECIFICALLY stated that she might be allergic to the pollen. It wouldn't be out of the norm considering her father and I both have hayfever. She has the EXACT same symptoms as us...itchy eyes, sneezing, congestion...

She's been sneezing and congested for a while but the doctor said everything looks fine; she didn't get to this level until last week...it's just the pollen :)

She's fine now!

Chicken said...

What a sweet photo of you two. It comforts me to read posts like yours. I am currently ttc #1 and when I get worried that I won't be perfect all the time, posts like these help!

*stacie-ann said...

like YOU once told me "don't beat yourself up". you are doing fine. pace yourself. && give yourself credit when credit is due. nobody is perfect. && don't feel bad b/c there are so many other first time mommies (like myself) who are going thru the very same thing as you are. your a great wife && a great mommy im sure of it. :)

RAVEN said...

from a kid-less outsiders view, your role in life seems ever-changing, hard as hell, and amazingly great. talking to other moms is probably the most comforting thing you can do, since they've probably felt the same thing a time or two. i read your site and the hipstermom blog, and you mommies keep me entertained with your stories...almost make me want to go out and make my own!

ChoColAte KiSs said...

AWW hang in there..I cannot remotely relate, but I can only assume and I think that your doing a wonderful job

always4evamoi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
always4evamoi said...

wow i sooo feel you on this, and i hear you loud and clear...i went thru something similar in regards to my emotions and it was baaaaadddddd...plus i was fighting my own issues and my little one is 3 now...everything will get better and you will be fine...you are a sincere person, a good woman, and a wonderful mother...babybottoms is so lucky to have you as you are her...you will get thru this :)

HD said...

Darn. Why isn't daddy helping you more with babybottoms? Working to support a family is just, but as a parent, that shouldn't be enough. Or if he is, shouldn't both y'all read up on her condition? Anyways, I'm sure you'll work your way through this. Have faith. It's gotten you this far

AssertiveWit said...

Chicken: Thanks! What is "ttc #1"?

stacie-ann" I did tell you that, huh? LOL some days it is hard! I know you know! P.S. - I'm not married but it definitely seems like it :)

RAVEN: it feels good to hear that from those who are still in the single & sexy land LOL

ChoColAte KiSs: Thank you :)

always4evamoi: I always feel better when I hear other moms talk about what they're going thru or have been thru in regards to how they're coping with life after pregnancy so thanks!

HD: LOL I'm laughing because of how you interpreted my "venting". Babybottoms dad is actually EXTREMELY helpful with her. He can sense when we're getting on each others nerves and he rescues us just in time from one another. There wasn't anything wrong with her but some congestion; it just got really bad because of all the pollen. When you're raising a little person for the first time, you get a LOT of scares that I'm sure parents won't have with their next bundle(s) of joy. I'm new to this and still adjusting, that's all. These feelings I wrote about are no reflection of how much he does/doesn't help :)

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