Friday, March 05, 2010

Water Bugs Are Disgusting, Much Like Roaches

That nasty critter to the right is a water bug and in my mind, they are no different than cucarachas. I hate them and they make my skin feel nasty.

But before I get into this story about this killer water bug that attacked my humble abode, I must tell you what brought this to mind. I was reading Hyperbole and a Half's new posting, Spiders are Scary. It's Okay to Be Afraid of Them. You have to read her blog! It is hilarious and she draws ALL the pictures that accompany her postings. After reading about how spiders scare the living shat out of her, I was reminded of my households battle with the die hard water bug. We'll call him Big Baby Jesus... because he was just as terrifying as if the 2nd coming of Christ was occurring...or if Ol' Dirty Bastard was at your front door. 

I am the designated bug killer in my house because Babybottoms dad is horrified of anything that has the ability to crawl on him. Sometimes I get my daily jollies by telling him there is a bug somewhere near him or on him so I can see him act like he's having an epileptic seizure (ATTN: I do not laugh at people who have REAL seizures...that's cruel). Living in Atlanta, these bugs can pop up just about anywhere. I used to call them roaches when I first moved here but was quickly corrected each time by a local...as if these nasty bugs are to be respected. I do my best to make sure there aren't any random pools of water near my doors, windows, or in the sink because I hate these kind of visitors, probably more than Babybottoms dad.

Babybottoms had to be about 2 months old and all 3 of us had fallen asleep on the couch. This was the most comfortable place for me to sleep because my c-section made it difficult to get in and out of my bed. So I'm laying there listening to my awesome little 2 month old snore in my armpit and her dad snore into his favorite blanket. Just as my eyes were shutting, Babybottoms dad jumps up, in the dark, yelling:

"OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!"

He's wiping at his arms, legs, shoulders, face, and hair so fast that he starts looking like a blur. Of course this scares the living crap out of me so I jump up too...leaving the baby on the couch all by herself. I'm standing next to this scary clown and it hits me to ask what he's jumping around for and he says:

"SOMETHING WAS ON ME! I PROMISE! I FELT SOMETHING!"

I thought I had heard him drop his phone on the couch when he got up but he assured me it was whatever was crawling on him. I urged him to turn on the light and that 's when I remembered, I left the baby on the couch...with whatever else was lurking in the dark. I quickly ran over to grab her and the lights come on...

When I tell you that it was the biggest, blackest, ugliest water bug I'd ever seen in my life, PLEASE believe me! I screamed and of course Babybottoms dad followed suit. Imagine...2 grown people standing there screaming with an infant who is far too in love with her sleep to even be phased by our shenanigans. I know, this is ridiculous but you should have seen this mammoth sized bug!

It's 3 in the morning and we are on a mission to get this bug...and then it Speedy Gonzalez runs across the couch to the cracks and disappears. There is no way in hell I was EVER sitting on this couch, let alone sleeping on it again. Babybottoms dad took this grand opportunity to be all manly and protect us from the scary bug. Somehow Big Baby Jesus knew his death was imminent because every time Babybottoms dad got close, he would dash off again. 

Within 5 minutes of me putting Babybottoms in the bedroom and washing my hands (these bugs make me feel dirty), he had flipped over both couches so that they were standing upright and had a can of something spraying the carpet talking about how he was gonna f*ck up this bug. I'm standing there looking stuck on stupid because I don't want this bug getting anywhere near the kitchen or bedroom. I ask what he's using and he says:

"IT SAYS THAT IT CAN KILL HIV GERMS SO ANYTHING THAT CAN KILL AIDS CAN DEFINITELY KILL THIS DAMN BUG"

Later on I look at the can and it is some kind of sanitizer for clippers. Babybottoms dad had to have used half the can getting this critter but finally it died. We put a cup over it in case Big Baby Jesus wanted to resurrect himself and jump on one of us. Thankfully that didn't happen.

Since we couldn't go back to sleep, I made tacos and we watched Blades of Glory. Babybottoms decided to wake up when she heard Will Ferrell drunkenly bellowing on the screen. We were fine afterwards but none of us slept on the couch again for a good month and that's a big thing, especially when Babybottoms dad thinks the couch is his bed.

11 points of view:

jeanette nicole* said...

LMAO @ you callin this bug Big Baby Jesus. I've never seen a water bug in person & from your experience, I hope to never. *shudders*

CraigJC said...

Ya know, i've always thought "Water Bugs" and "Cockroaches" were the same but this post has cleared it up for me. lol

ChiChi said...

They are roaches to me. I mean, really...how can you tell the difference?! LMAOL @ this story. When I see em, I might scream like a bitch, but it WILL die that instant!

Amanda said...

GROSS.

We have those waterbugs to, and nothing can send me into a tizzy more than waterbugs. We have them in the garage occasionally and I am not gonna lie -- I always throw something or make a loud noise and then flip on the lights before I walk out there.

always4evamoi said...

im sorry but i was definitely LOL when reading this post....i know it's not funny to laugh at someone's fear but wow, your story was hilarious...i wouldn't say im not afraid of bugs, but as long they don't bother me, i don't bother them...thank you for the laugh :D

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Girl, you have me over hear cryin'! ROFL

This reminds me of time I stepped on a cricket with socks on...yuck!

Stepfanie said...

OMG. That's .... DIsgusting!

I have never in my life seen one of these bugs and I hope never to see one ever. I have a huge fear of cockroaches and when my Truly was a couple of months old, I saw one crawling on the wall and I flew out of there and left my baby! how pathetic am I. Luckily I had some sense to go back and grab her but I didn't sleep in that room again until that cockroach was found ... a month later...

Gayle Jackson said...

hahaha!!! You are TOOO funny!! Thanks so much for the much needed smiles today and for always commenting on my blog as well. I'm still dying over the "Big Baby Jesus" moniker you gave the ugly thing..and the thought of you both standing there screaming...hahaha...TOO FUNNY!! Have a great day and again, thanks for the laughs!
Gayle www.kafkassister.blogspot.com

Em Static said...

I H.A.T.E those things! My skin is crawling just reading this post (considering the subject matter, I think it's okay to say your post made my skin crawl). When I moved to NOLA I was treated to the knowledge that these little nightmares can FLY too! It was enough to almost make me pack my bags and run back to Jersey.

(Hi from the LB Society.)

ChoColAte KiSs said...

LMAO!!..this was funny..this reminds me of my mom and myself when it comes to lizards, somehow we're scared to death but get some weird superhuman strength to kill the shit outa em..

Traci said...

Oh, you and big bad Jesus made me laugh tonight. I'm in Texas so I feel the same way about cockroaches so I could just imagine myself dancing aound. But I really love the image of Baby Bottom's Dad chasing him down Terminator style.
Have a great week.
:-)
Traci

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