Thursday, February 11, 2010

Girl's Night Out

I haven't been "out" in a while because I've been tending to the lovechild. She is more then two handfuls most days so I'm usually too tired to spruce myself up for a night on the town. I've been out twice this week so this is kind of a big deal in my world! One of my friends who lives in Cali was in town for work and getting her braces removed so we went out Monday evening. Dinner and a drag show. As hilarious as that evening was, I'm not writing about that now...this post will be about my evening out last night.

I was hanging out with my friend and her sister. We went to this establishment that's a restaurant/jazz club. Everybody and they momma was in there so it took us 40 minutes to be seated. In the meantime, we decided to order drinks from the bar. Even though there were 3 bartenders, only 1 looked interested in seeing if people were being served. One bartender, with this obvious nasty attitude, was tending to this older guy and all of a sudden the older guy starts acting belligerent and talking loud. I look at my friend who immediately stares up at the ceiling because in her words, "the faces you make at people will make me laugh in their face". I won't lie. This time I was looking at dude like, get back in your cage. However, when I saw what he was all in a simian rage about, I gave him a pass to act a monkey doodle fool.

The bartender was charging him $18 for a Corona and this tiny glass of vodka & cranberry. When he asked her how much the Corona was, she said, "The beer is $6 and the drink is $11". He looked at her like he wanted to snatch her from behind the bar and then starts yelling about how that aint $18, it's $17 so which is it going to be and asking her why she was trying to rip him off. At this point, I was holding in my laugh so bad that I couldn't take it anymore and a smile started creeping out. This guy leaned over and whispered in my ear, "don't be laughing at my uncle", which caused me to laugh out loud. I did apologize but it was even funnier when the guy standing next to me ordered a Corona and it was $5.25....I just shook my head because this bartender probably over charges everyone. In my opinion, anyone who does that needs to be fired.

We resolved that we didn't want her as a bartender and flagged down another young lady. Meanwhile, my friend was getting "hollered" at by this dude that I had noticed when we walked in. He was attractive, dressed pretty decent and had all of his teeth. Since I live with Babybottoms dad, I only look, never making eye contact so as not to even cause someone to come start a conversation with me. However, he felt the need to talk to my friend and it would have gone okay except for the following:

*When the drinks were sat down and it was time to pay, he hesitated

I can pay for my own drinks; if I couldn't, I'd stay my ass in the house...like I've been doing. However, Babybottoms dad was spending QT with her so I decided to take advantage of my little extra cash and have some "me" time. Hesitation is a bad thing because it means it crossed your mind to pay for our drinks. I wouldn't consider you any less of a man if you paid for just your beer and kept it moving. You don't owe me or my friend anything. So when you start counting the money like you're about to spend your last $25 on 3 drinks, I just want to whip out my $8.50 and tip just to get you away from us.

My friend is all about "if you're talking to me, the least you can do is buy me a drink" so she kind of looked at him like "pay for it, wankster". I laughed at his forced sense of obligation.

*He asks what church my friend attends

Church? Really? You're going to ask about this while we're ordering drinks and trying to have a good time? Just inappropriate and when she tells you that she doesn't go, you're going to invite her to your church? *slaps forehead* Because I know my friend, I KNEW she was thinking "lame" the entire time but still entertaining him because he wouldn't shut up. After she told him that she doesn't go to church, he asks why. I'm getting irritated now because this isn't the time or place to be asking all these serious questions! She tells him that she works every Sunday, which isn't a lie but he gave her the side eye like she had just blasphemed against Jesus and his father. When church was no longer a viable topic for him to continue boring her with he does this...

*Asks if she has a Facebook page

It wasn't a segue or anything. It was just him being shut down about church and then him blurting out, "You got a Facebook page". She tells him no and that she is pretty much the only one out of all her friends who doesn't have one. He looks defeated and then blurts out something even more random.

*Asks her if he wants to see his pictures

I'm thinking this clown is talking about Facebook still until he tells her to go to www.modelmayhem.com what tha??? I laughed out loud and would have turned around to laugh in his face if my chair didn't have a back on it. You're hella bootsy dude! He asks her if she has the internet on her phone and she unwillingly says yes. There was no point in lying because he was staring right at her phone. She realizes he is going to keep at it when he starts telling her that she has to type in his code in order to see the pictures. To put an end to it, she says, "I have internet but I'm not looking at your pictures right now". This causes me to laugh again...

See people, it doesn't matter HOW attractive you are, if you're a whack ass buster, you're still getting no play.

He did give her his number but she told us at the table that she didn't plan on answering when he called.

We were finally called for our table and it appeared she was safe from the Retards. Unfortunately for her, this guy old enough to be her grandfather spotted her and decides he wants to talk to her. He was funny but...old...and eager. When he left, he sent her a text message that he was on his way home and for her to call him in 2 minutes. *shaking my head* We're up to our eyeballs in crablegs. She wasn't thinking shat about his decrepit ass.

Aside from her getting the weirdos, this married couple were staring at me eat my crab legs. I looked up and they started smiling at me. I've never felt so violated in all my life. I nervously smiled back and then looked at my friend and said "what the *&#$?"....they still staring and smiling. Hands down, the weirdest shat I've ever experienced. I guess they liked the way I was effing them crab legs up...I don't know and I don't even want to know what their "stalker smiles" were for.

Hanging out with the "girls" made me miss time to myself but it also made me miss Babybottoms and her dad. It's a weird thing once you have a kid; you can't wait to get 1 minute to yourself and then once you do, you just wanna be near them.

I had an opportunity to keep my night going after dinner but I chose to go home because one of my headlights were out. I wasn't  uber drunk but I was feeling warm enough to drive home with just a scarf on and I didn't want to get pulled over. I have to watch how much and what I drink because it seeps through my pores and I smell a LOT more drunk than I really am.

I got home around 1:30 am and everyone was knocked out. I think I might plan to do this at least twice during the month because it has kept me far more sane than I was last month.

5 points of view:

Kenya Mack said...

LOL! So glad you got the chance to get out. Guys just say the darndest things, don't they!? lol

*stacie-ann said...

oh my gosh. what an experience. i'm curious how different my perception of 'gettin a drink' & 'gettin 'hollered' at' will be once i finally get a real moment to myself. sanity seems to be distant luxury on my end, coming & going then going again-- i might need to take that drink sooner than the "3 months with my newborn" that i had planned.

phallatio said...

Yep, ain't that the truth! You complain about having no free time and, the minute you get some, you yearn to go home and smell your child. Ridiculous! Once she is out on the town with her friends, maybe then you can go back to enjoying yourself?

Assertive Wit said...

Kenya: me too! I forgot how much fun it was hanging out with the girls because the only company I've had has been Babybottoms and her dad LOL

FYI, that guy was a damn idiot.

stacie-ann: I felt EXACTLY like you when I first had my daughter; the only difference is that you are willing to talk about it...I wasn't and I'm still not all that comfortable talking about it because I don't want people thinking I'm crazy LOL CHILDREN CHANGE EVERYTHING!!! I wish someone would have stressed that to me instead of all the other bullshat they felt the need to unload on me. As far as the drink goes, I was breastfeeding up until a few weeks ago but I still drank...I needed it! I just wouldn't feed her breast milk for 2-4 hrs after I had been drinking. According to my doctor, it takes that long for the baby to not be effected. However, everyone's doctor will give them different advice so don't take my word for it...check for yourself and I'm sure you'll be comfortable with whatever information you get! :)

phallatio: you have children and grandchildren so I know you are familiar with that feeling LOL I have a long way to go before she's off galavanting with her friends though ahhahaha

Amanda said...

It was all funny, but you had me at "he asked if she wanted to see his pics".

I don't have kids yet, but I can relate. I spend a lot of time with my hubby and really love it, but you know -- there are times when I just want to be alone or go out. But when I get that chance, I just miss him.

I don't know how to behave at nice places anymore. I went out with work friends a few weeks ago to this really swanky place downtown and was appalled that a glass of wine and a bowl of soup was 18 bucks!

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