Saturday, February 27, 2010

Babybottoms: If I Can't Sleep, You Can't Either

I had a talk with Babybottoms when she was still kicking back in my womb. We discussed (yes, we, I wasn't talking to myself) that around 6 months, physical discipline would ensue. I didn't get a response back so I took that to be a sign of her agreeing.

She just turned 5 months today and I'm feeling like I need to move that agreement date to today.

The last time we talked about Babybottoms, she was counting sheep comfortably in her own sleeping quarters. We were all a happy family. I somewhat touched on how she is VERY gentle when dealing with her father's face but when it comes to mine....she acts like she's a cat and my face is the scratching post. This morning was ONLY different from other mornings because she was REALLY going out of her way to mess with me.

Around 5:45 am she started up with her "soft" sounds. Those are the sounds that if you are in a deep sleep, you'll never hear. When no one comes to get her, she switches from soft sounds to caterwauling. This will wake ANYONE up...except her father. I can only take so much of the sharp cat noises because I know after that comes the pig squealing and LOUD talking.

I got up around 6:15 and put her in the bed with me, thinking she was going to go right back to sleep. WRONG. I was mislead! She pretended as though she was going to go back to sleep and that lasted for all of 5 minutes before I felt two small hands caressing my face gently. I'm not use to this kind of nice treatment from her so I thought I had fallen back to sleep and I was dreaming.

That is until I felt 2 little fingers bumrush my nostrils. You're 5 months old...please tell me how you know how to stick fingers in my nose AND hook them so you can try to pull my damn nose off. The burn in my nose ALMOST made me want to pimp slap her. However, she IS only 5 months old. I vowed to save all pimp slapping for puberty.

After removing her fingers from my nose, I'm convinced she's going back to sleep only to feel two little hands try to open my mouth. WHY WON'T THIS KID GO BACK TO SLEEP???? SHEESH! I decide to open my eyes and she's smiling...as if she's won. Jokes on her because I AM NOT getting up. After I pry her strong little hands from my lips and put her in a vice grip hug, her eyes start to lower. I know now this is a trick. I figure since her eyes are closing, mine can too. WRONG.

My eyes hadn't been closed for no more than 1 second and she's starting to pull my eyelids open. It then becomes apparent that I am NOT going to get that extra hour of sleep I want. I finally decide to get up and she gets excited. I feel like I was abused but I'm not sure if it's safe to say that when it's a 5 month old who is the Abuser. I decide to change her diaper and she doesn't want to be still so I can close it.

I guess today is going to be "I do what I want Mommy" day.

I get the diaper on and closed. A small feat but since I was punked to get up, I feel as though I have accomplished SOMETHING this morning. I grab the old diaper and look down at this devious smiling face, only to see she has taken her diaper off. *sigh* I can't win today!

Even though this morning has been an utter loss for Team Mommy, I WILL get the last laugh. Guess who's getting their ears pierced today? BOO-YAH! IN YO FACE BABYBOTTOMS!!!

9 points of view:

a black girl who did date said...

YAAAY pierced ears!!!!! She is a mess and definitely your child. Reminds me of the old mother saying, "I can't wait until you have kids of your own." It is the curse mothers place on their children.

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

ROFL! Hard to believe 5 months have already passed. Loving the pics :-)

always4evamoi said...

lol that was too cute.....

phallatio said...

Nothing prepares you for parenthood. Nothing prepares you for the lack of time, lack of space and lack of energy. It will be a while before you can sleep long and sleep deep.

*stacie-ann said...

ahhhh. great post. i am just sitting here imagining when anthony jr. will start to beat me out of my sleep. if your asking---i'd say she's big enough to start getting light spankings.

she's too cute girl!! i love this post. well written.

Assertive Wit said...

a black girl who did date: see, that was one curse my mother never placed on me; I wasn't having kids, remember? LOL

CurvyGurl: she is growing up before my eyes! her two little teeth at the bottom are coming in, she's saying "da da" like an irritating broken record, and beating me up all at the same time *tear*

phallatio: I haven't been a real sleeper since I was 12 so I'm not too worried about getting a long, deep sleep. I just want her to sleep when I DO feel like sleeping LOL

stacie-ann: be careful what you wish for LOL she gets little taps on the butt but I'm not beating her down...yet. "Beatings" aren't going to be my only form of discipline either. You can beat some kids until they're black & blue and they'll still be hardheaded as hell so I have to be a bit more creative with my cruel and unusual punishment LOL

RAVEN said...

babybottoms is already a little smartypants, and a little earlybird.

Amanda said...

But....LOOK at that little face! (spoken by a non-mommy)

I hope I someday pop out a night owl instead of an early bird.

Assertive Wit said...

RAVEN: I want her to be able to talk but then I think about all that back talk I might receive and it makes me grateful the most she can do is squeal like a pig. She's been an early bird since conception LOL

Amanda: that little face has calmed my anger plenty of days so she better thank God he gave her the attractive gene

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