Friday, January 29, 2010

No One Can Define A "Good Man" For You But You

What is the definition of a good man? I think any man you are compatible with is the "good man" for you.

One of my friends mentioned a blog she had read in reference to "no good men [being] out there". Whenever I hear women say that, I AUTOMATICALLY think to myself that they are speaking so broadly because the guy they want isn't available to them like they'd want him to be. It's quite irritating because I'm sure each woman who has said that asinine crap thinks they are a good catch...in reality, you probably aren't if you feel that way about the male species.

I've always believed that there is someone for everyone and the person you are with just might not be the one for you if you are constantly having "issues" with them. I don't think some women really look at themselves and assess where they just might be the problem...not the man. I've seen perfectly "good men" turn into someone I would never date because of the person they are dating but I'd never say they weren't a "good man". Some people fail to acknowledge that if you are in a relationship with someone you aren't very compatible with, you will be at your worse in their eyes more often than not. Does that make that individual a horrible dating prospect? No. It just means YOU TWO aren't supposed to be together.

As for the women who are actually on a search for a "good man", I'm curious to know why some of them think none exist. Personally, I think it is because these kind of women want things that have nothing to do with an individuals character. I can tell you what I believe a "good man" is but if your idea of a "good man" resembles someone who makes 6-figures, is on call whenever you want to be fed, does whatever you tell him, etc. then we aren't going to agree. In my mind, we all have the ability to be "good" to someone, we just have to make sure we choose that someone wisely.

I'll use my current situation...

I'm with Babybottoms dad because the things I need in a relationship, he possesses. One of the things that allow us to "work" is that we both have a unified mind when it comes to how we view relationships. The minute either of us choose to look at our relationship differently, we understand that it needs to be discussed. We want to remain on the same page. However, if Babybottoms dad decides he wants to venture into a different chapter of life and I am not ready to go there then we'll more than likely go our separate ways. Does that make him a bad guy? No. It just means we are no longer compatible and if I desire to be in a relationship with someone else, I need to make sure they are on the page of life I'm currently on.

Now, what I am hearing and seeing is a lot of women wanting to force men they are interested in to be on their page of life. If the shoe was on the other foot, they become this angry, difficult woman who doesn't want to have any man controlling them. Because a man acts contrary to what you want in a relationship, it doesn't make him bad. He is still the same guy you were interested in before; you just know now that you aren't compatible and instead of trying to force it by convincing yourself you can mold him into "the man for you", you should just walk away.

One of my aunts told me that I needed to MAKE any man I chose to be with into the man I REALLY wanted. This was the most unacceptable advice I've ever received. Her husband does whatever she wants ALL the time and always has since they've been together. As for me, that isn't the ideal man. I don't want someone I can boss around. I want a man who takes my thoughts into consideration but can make a decision without consulting me as well. I don't desire a puppet in a relationship; we wouldn't get along and I probably wouldn't respect him. Now, the man I want in my life, my aunt would NEVER take 2 steps towards because she already knows THAT ISN'T THE MAN FOR HER. Why can't other women fathom this? It isn't that hard.

I know that sometimes we want what we want but how many of us are ignoring the fact that everything we want isn't exactly what we need? I think a lot of women crying about there not being any good men are pretending this fact doesn't exist. It is possible to get the man you "want" but there is a chance that you will have to compromise; getting the man you "need" in your life requires far less effort. If more women would "look" for a man that would improve them as a person, a lot of this generalizing would cease to exist. However, I've noticed that the same women shouting out that untruth think they are perfectly fine how they are. It's real funny that they don't want to change who they are but expect the man they want, to change who he is to suit their wants.

As much as you want an upgraded man, you have to be an upgrade yourself. If you aren't looking to improve yourself, then deal with the consequences of dating someone who isn't for you and stop complaining. Again, he isn't a bad guy; he just isn't good for you.

I know PLENTY of good men so I don't want anyone reading this to think it's a fact that there aren't any good ones out there. In the future, I hope that adults will choose compatibility in their relationships so this silly chatter about "what is a good man" will die off.

9 points of view:

Stepfanie said...

I completely agree (like I always do with your posts, lol) Women tend to put this standard on men, but if it were turned the other way, we sure would be pissed. Instead of making a man into this person we want, we should make ourselves into the person we want and keep those standards. Love it.

www.StepfaniesTimeOut.com

Brilliance Is A Habit (c) Unknown said...

"I can tell you what I believe a "good man" is but if your idea of a "good man" resembles someone who makes 6-figures, is on call whenever you want to be fed, does whatever you tell him, etc. then we aren't going to agree."

Sounds like a "GREAT" man to me. Tell boo I am single and ready to mingle. (In my best Frankie voice) HOLLA!!! lol J/K.

Well sorta... lol

In any case you're right on the money with this one Assertive Wit. There are good men out there, I just haven't found the good man for me yet.

phallatio said...

What makes a good man? What a question! Almost as vexing as how long is a piece of string or controversial as does size matter?

Needless to say, you are right. If you're in love and it works, you have found a good man.

My main problem is: am I a good man? Women are and have loved me, women are and have been in love with me, but am I good man? I have no real way of knowing. It's something I wonder about.

An indulgent thought you may think but I'd hate to think there are people out there who think I am cruel, wicked or bad, and have ill-feelings towards me.

I'm no saint but I'm still hoping that people remember me as a good man.

always4evamoi said...

Amen, amen, amen!! I get so tired of hearing that, and it has become this huge 'issue' to the point where u have 'tv time' about it. Oh pls. It gets me so mad when i hear that, and with the luck I have had with relationships over the years, you would think I would be the 1st one to say that. But, NO!!! I still truly believe that there are 'good men' out there. I just figure 2 things: one, there are things within me that needs to adjust, and two, he hasn't found me yet. When someone is true to themselves, i believe they will find what is right for them. Great blog!!!

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

So true. I'm amazed how many women are buying into this "no good men available" crap. You've made valid points, ones I think are logical yet seem to elude so-called "good women"...yet another meaningless label.

Jay_fever said...

Many women seem to pull that "good men don't exist" stuff to lessen the blow (or to get rid of the blow completely) that there just might be something within themselves that they need to work on.

Ms_Slim said...

Wow I havent dropped by your blog in FOREVAH!!! New look and feel and all that. Anyway, I REALLY enjoyed this blog. And it is SO true. I cant STAND it when I hear the whole, "there's no good men left" rigmarole. Uhh....wrong. I know A LOT of good men...maybe its you...?lol

It's true though. EVERYONE has to look at themselves before going into a relationship. Analyze what they need from what they want. Whats good for them from what isnt and most importantly...learn to compromise through it all. Everyone would be much happier if they learned these things. And quick.

ebwriter said...

Nice article! I agree with a lot of your points. Recently, I have been re-evaulating my own behavior to help improve the relationship I have with a man. Because we as women are always so quick to blame the man for all of the problems in a relationship, and not for one moment, question our own behavior. Good job with this particular topic!

Sairy said...

love the post!!!

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