Saturday, December 05, 2009

Self-Control is NOT a Gender Bias Attribute

When we found out I was pregnant, we IMMEDIATELY hoped for a boy; months later, we found out we were having a girl. I had a tinge of disappointment but when the doctor told me she was 100% healthy, my disappointment faded and I was still just as happy before I knew the gender of my child. My reasoning for wanting a boy was that it would be easier and I wouldn't have to deal with "female" issues. You can be rough with boys; you have to be more gentle with girls. Sugarcoating would be a thing of the past with a little boy; with a little girl, I'd have to be sensitive to her feelings.

The more I thought about the supposed differences between raising a boy and a girl the more I saw that it had been deeply ingrained in me to treat boys different from girls, in a LOT of aspects. Is this fair? Hell no but I think as a society, people are conditioned to mistreat boys on an emotional level because there was/is this belief perpetuated that any male who shows too much emotion is considered homo. Mind you, no one takes into consideration that anger is an emotion but it seems that is the only emotion people automatically associate with men.

This in turn got me to thinking about the things that females can get away with that males are made to feel downright awful for.

I'm a fair person so I'm sure it wouldn't have taken long for me to realize I needed to make some adjustments...if I'd had a boy. I think God made the right decision by giving me a girl. I came to this conclusion after witnessing so many women in my Twitter timeline who REALLY and HONESTLY feel that domestic violence (when it's the man abusing the woman) is NEVER to be tolerated BUT when the roles are reversed, it becomes a laughing matter.

I've never thought it was hilarious for ANYONE to put their hands on the next person OR a persons belongings. I wholeheartedly believe in self-defense, regardless of it being man on man, woman on man, or a man on woman attack. Think about it...what kind of world do we live in where it says as a woman, you are free to defend yourself if someone attacks you but as a man, if you defend yourself against a woman, you are AUTOMATICALLY guilty until proven innocent? Mothers who have do realize that can possibly put your son in a compromising position one day? Sisters who have brothers...think about if his girlfriend or even just some female he was entertaining felt the need to put her hands on your brother and/or his belongings...should he just have to sit there and get slapped in the face, punched in the jaw, ran over by a car, or have his stuff vandalized?

Just because someone is a male, that doesn't mean their feelings cease to exist and they feel no pain.

I read a blog about domestic violence and some of the comments were totally absurd to me. So absurd that if I see ANY comments on this blog where it turns into a flat out disregard for men who have to deal with this, I will delete your comment. This is a serious issue to me because one wrong move on behalf of ANY man and he is EASILY labeled a woman beater for the rest of his life. What if he was simply trying to keep a crazed chick out of his face? According to our f*cked up justice system and some clearly biased women, it doesn't matter because he's a man and is stronger.

Being physically stronger does not mean ANYONE gets a right to hit you AND that has to be the weakest debate point I've ever heard in my life. A lot of women want to be viewed equally to men but when it comes time to measure out the equality in this area, there are a lot of women who cower in their gender as though women MUST be viewed as the weaker sex in this instance. Sorry fickle minded can't have it both ways. You can't be shouting to the rooftops about having equal opportunities when it comes to men and then want to bend the rules when it comes to showing self-control.

It isn't funny when a man puts his hands on a woman, REGARDLESS of the reason just as it is EQUALLY not funny when a woman decides she's going to lay hands on a man. If it makes a man a punk for allowing a woman to hit him and he not hit her back then the same goes for a woman who does not defend herself; she's a punk too. Personally, I do not feel that a person who does not retaliate is weak. It sincerely bothers me that some women will choose to do things to provoke a man to wrath just so that it can be later said that "he still didn't have a right to hit me". While she is correct with that statement, I fault ANY woman who chooses to destroy a man's ego and/or property because she's upset. If a man busted windows out and keyed a car, slashed tires, and/or got his sister/female cousins to whoop your azz, it'd be a problem but it's okay for us as women to involve our family/friends in a violent situation and/or vandalize property because we're upset? It isn't fair and regardless of what you tell yourself so that you can sleep soundly at night, you and your actions are wrong if you behave like this. What I fault women who do asinine shat like this for is THEIR lack of self-control. You can't DEMAND that men have an attribute you are CHOOSING not to display either.

My mother raised me to talk things out with people. My father raised me to keep my hands to myself BUT to NEVER let someone hit me and think that was going to be the end of the situation. I came to a happy medium by reasoning with people first; if that was not good enough and I felt for even one second someone was about to swing on me, I swing first. I AM NOT ADVOCATING VIOLENCE OF ANY KIND HERE. I just believe every person should have a right to defend themselves, regardless of their sex.

So when I look at my daughter, I think about all the things I have to teach her. She has to learn that just because she is a woman, she doesn't get special "rights" that men don't get. Regardless of this being a "man's world", I want to instill the kind of values in her where she can decipher right from wrong and realize that she doesn't get any passes simply because she is "the lesser sex". I want her to treat people how she would want to be treated; if she doesn't want/like anyone just swinging on her, then she needs to learn to keep her hands to herself too. I don't want her to hang around other little girls that think it's okay to smack little boys and then tell on them when they get their ponytails yanked. As she gets older, it will become young ladies and women who condone abusing men but crying when they get abused.

It's tough being a parent and the more I look at my daughter, I realize that it doesn't matter whether I had a boy or a girl; it would still be up to me and my partner to raise them with some common sense. Let's hope that all my years of raising her isn't destroyed by the simple minds of others.

P.S. - for anyone who wants to use statistics as a reason we should care more about abused women than men, please, spare me; just because some numbers show that women are more victimized by violent acts, it doesn't mean it's okay for women to abuse men or that it should be ignored. If you have a problem with that, think about other statistics. There are statistics out there of Black people who are wealthy and live great lives. So because those statistics exist, we shouldn't care about the Black people who aren't wealthy and living in impoverished urban areas? No matter what side of the coin you are on, your life and well-being STILL matters.

7 points of view:

Michael Horvath said...

Yours is a very well thought out and insightful post. Abuse is a terrible thing and you are correct, it applies to all of us, men and women alike.

always4evamoi said...

this was a very interesting point of view. women should take responsibility just as well as men when it comes to violence. and our society doesn't allow that to happen. hopefully we can change that mentality with the future generations. nice blog. :)

Hard Work said...

I've been saying this same thing for YEARS and me and my girl got into a big argument about this same subject and she took me saying "any man has a right to defend himself if a female puts her hands on him" as "a man can beat up a woman anytime he gets ready..." I don't think anybody should hit anybody but if you feel the need to put your hands on a person, you should be ready to get your head knocked off and that goes for men and women... good post.

AssertiveWit said...

MPH: thank you; I just wish MORE people understood that domestic violence is not a FEMALE ISSUE. I understand a LOT of men don't really let their example be used because they don't want to look like a "punk" but I think they should speak up more so OTHERS can see, it's a problem across the board.

always4evamoi: while this is certainly my POV, I honestly don't see how someone could have a biased view of domestic violence and expect others to put tons of energy into helping one gender over the other. The general consensus of men being pillars of STRENGTH all the time, even when they're getting abused (physically, mentally/emotionally, etc.) comes across as absurd to me. It's almost like the message some folks send is that women can hurt but men, naw, suck it up and "be a man". Being a man involves the SAME feelings women have; they just tend to hide them more BECAUSE of that whole "be a man" thing.

I think people who are GENUINELY concerned about domestic violence as a whole will fight for both sides...not just for battered women.

Hard Work: you'd be surprised how many people interpret what I say about domestic violence as me saying it's okay to beat women EVEN when I CLEARLY state it isn't. I just believe in being fair; just because men are stronger that's NEVER an excuse for women to hit men and then scream out injustice when the man chooses to defend himself.

CraigJC said...

Congratulations on your baby girl, btw. Mothers rock!

Jay_fever said...

Dudes (myself included) definitely are cheated to some degree as far as being able to show emotions freely. It's good to know there are women that see and understand that to a certain degree.

As far as domestic violence is concerned...this world is weird as hell. How this world managed to justify such bs...somewhat escapes me.

HD said...

FINALLY! A woman says what I've been saying on my blog for like, ever! This issue of domestic violence being condoned if the victim is male is total bs, and I can't think of a more ominous example of it than how the media is poking fun at Tiger Woods for the fact that his wife attacked him with a golf club. Mock him now, SNL, but you know you wouldn't had he been the one to use the golf club on her!
I even got into an argument with my mom about how she's a total (rhymes with witch) for what she did, and she called me a male chauvenist! The messed up world we live in!

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