Friday, September 04, 2009

Honest Friends Are Hard to Find

I used this picture in one of my old MySpace blogs when I was writing about The Bestest leaving me for Florida. I stumbled on it today when I typed in "best friend" during my random photo search....

I read a blog today that made me think of something my dad asked me when I first got pregnant. He inquired as to whether I had told all my old friends yet and if I planned to. At the time, I planned on telling 2 of them, when I got around to it. The 3rd one (who I no longer consider a friend) I didn't plan on telling ever and that was the one my father was alluding to the most. He knows I'm not speaking to her and I don't plan to any time soon so when he said, "Are you gonna tell the baby to call her Auntie Evil Cousin (not her real name)", I knew he was being his sarcastic, non-humorous self.

The Peacemaker of my old crew tells me to "kiss and make up" and it would be something to consider...if I knew it wasn't just a never-ending vicious cycle that was going to be started all over again.

When you're a kid growing up and you have your best friends, not a day goes by that you think "oh, we're all going to grow apart so let me cherish this friendship while I can". You think more delusional things like "NOTHING IS GONNA SEPARATE US...we're gonna be in each others weddings, raise our kids together, and grow old together". Then reality settles in while life is happening...you grow up and unfortunately, some of you either grow apart or ignore OBVIOUS personality clashes to preserve the friendship.

Things unfortunately change...

This is what inevitably happened to the 4 of us...the other 2 still speak to the one I don't and they have their reasons but when I'm friends with someone, I'm REALLY their friend so no matter how much it would make everyone else happy for me to do it, I can't.

No really, I'm not talking about some "oh, you're friend #42" sh*t...some REAL, hey, I can be myself with you and you can be yourself with me. As a friend, I'll allow you to go in on me, when necessary, because I value what you have to say to me...but that door has to be open for me too. Otherwise, we don't have a friendship at all. I expect those we are friends with to understand that and if they have a problem with you, they should go to you and tell you, not talk about it to others...not talk about you to others; like you two aren't friends. That's ALWAYS hurt me about some of the people who call each other friends that I've been mutually acquainted with.

That isn't being honest...and it sure as hell isn't being a friend.

Aside from the 3 chicks I grew up with, there are some other people I would have loved to share my entire pregnancy with because I truly cared/care about them but no matter how old you get, it's still a hard pill to swallow that just because you were once REALLY GOOD friends, it doesn't mean it'll stay that way. Some of the GREATEST memories I have in life are of being with people who I haven't talked to in at least 2 years. I will ALWAYS count those as good times and as much as I HATE the saying "some friends are only for a designated amount of time", the kid in me still wants to stubbornly hold on to the fantastical idea that despite all the BS, you should still manage to be friends with certain people. Not everyone...just the people I REALLY liked at one point in time.

Now that I'll have a child to raise, my own personal issues have to be laid to the wayside. Anyone I continue to be friends with, I think about in reference to her. This bundle makes me second guess EVERYTHING and apply it to her. She really has become my life...and she isn't even born yet. I'm not going to be one of those maniac mom's; I just operate more like it's "Synitta and Babybottoms" vs. my old take on everything which was just "Synitta". I can only be around people who don't mind being a permanent fixture in our lives because...well, I guess the over protectiveness is kicking in and as long as I can prevent her from feeling like something is missing, I will. So people who she'll be seeing all the time, I want to feel like they'll be there forever...not just for a period of time until them and I "fall out" again.

I guess the point of all this babbling is...no matter how much I might miss or care about certain people, I know I'm not friends with them anymore because they just aren't the friends for me.

I'm about to go see my friend Stef's new baby in a second...she's definitely one of those people I'll be growing old with. I've known her since we were about 18 and even though we don't see each other ALL the time, our friendship has been solid since day one because we've ALWAYS been honest with each other about everything...you can't buy or manufacture friends like her...

8 points of view:

msdailey said...

True and very well stated.

I was just going to ask you had your bundle arrived when I saw your countdown to the left of the blog!!

How exciting!

Mista Jaycee said...

I've been there myself. I experienced that on my 10 year reunion. A guy that I had been really good friends with saw me and it was just Hey!, Yeah, Oh......See ya!
I expected alot more considering but friendships do change. We have to accept that cause we not infinite.

MilesPerHour said...

I have all but given up on friendships since so many came and went. I tired of reaching out over and over to receive little or no responses in return. Sad, I know.

Assertive Wit said...

msdailey, yeah she'll be here shortly!!!!

Mista Jaycee, I didn't go to my 10 year reunion because....I just didn't want to. I had reunited with a ton of people via myspace and then facebook so my reasoning was/is, I didn't need a reunion LOL

MPH, I was almost to the point of giving up on friendships but then I realized how unfair that is to the people who ACTUALLY are GREAT friends. A few "bad" situations couldn't make me outweigh those who still mattered so I reevaluated my thinking and decided differently. Not saying you have to do that but it helped me out TREMENDOUSLY. I just set up boundaries that I didn't have before and it works out better for me; if people can't deal with that, then we can't be friends. Doesn't always mean we have to not like each other...just means they aren't a priority in my life anymore.

*stacie-ann said...

mm i loved it. & i actually read the whole thing. no seriously, you are on point 100%. I'm still young but, there are just certain people who I ONCE considered friends that I can barely stand to be in the same room with & it was supposed to be a "Best Friends Forever" type thing. but my Idea of a friend is exactly what yours is. I want a friend who'll be honest with me & in turn I can be honest wit them.

i dont want to post another blog within your blog, so..yeah. I feeeeeeeel you girl!


&& Yay, were both pregnant. I'm having a boy tho' && I'm glad to hear your baby has changed your whole life as much as mine has for me.

jeanette nicole* said...

When you're a kid growing up and you have your best friends, not a day goes by that you think "oh, we're all going to grow apart so let me cherish this friendship while I can".

God if this isn't the truth I dunno what is! This was my modus operandi for most of my life until I realized that some friendships are fleeting. I still have my moments when I wish I could call up so & so to chat about [insert inane topic here], but I know even reaching out to contact would be fruitless. Learning to let go is a hard lesson that I am still struggling with learning...

NaturallyAlise said...

I am going through a bit of "friend remodeling" right now, and just as you get older you evaluate the meaning of each person in your life. Sometimes the emotions get in the way, but in the end you make the right choices in order to grow and be happy... glad that is something you see... :)

mr. nichols said...

wow. 17 days to go. it's going to go by so fast too. this was interesting because i always hear from women about the whole falling out thing. for men, it never seems to be like this. not any that i know anyway, even though i'm sure they exist. i might deal with somebody less than before, but that's about it. but indeed, priorities do change, like seasons, and friendships.

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