Sunday, June 07, 2009

CONTROL

Because Babybottoms is up acting like she is having her own personal karate lessons in my stomach, I can't sleep. I was conflicted between making a grilled cheese sandwich or writing a blog. I then remembered that in between Babybottoms late night karate, she likes to play evil tricks on mommy and give her the indigestion from Satan's esophagus. Since I have run out of milk and won't be putting on clothes to get any at 3 in the morning, her late night snack is going to have to take a raincheck.

As I lay on my couch thinking of my current relationship with the father of my child and all my previous relationships, I had a Eureka moment. I relinquished a large portion of control in our relationship and as a result, this led to me being awakened by two little fists and feet at 3 in the morning.

Being a control freak is in my DNA but over time, I have learned that it is a less than desirable quality and serves no purpose in meaningful relationships you desire to have with other people. Of course it feels GREAT to say "I am in control of THIS situation" but at what risk to yourself and others will you do it?

I've never been spoiled a day in my life by anyone other than myself. I take that back....since I've been pregnant, the father of my child spoils me EVERY DAY. It only feels weird to me because I usually don't let people spoil me in any aspect. With him, it is different...he is the first relationship that I UNDOUBTEDLY KNOW will NEVER work positively if I yank ALL control from him. He is the certified definition of a man with a big ego; any time a woman has done something that makes him feel as though he is being emasculated in any manner she becomes an insignificant figure in his love life. This has seared the hearts of many women in his lifetime and of course, he has been the bad guy and solely to blame for the downfall of their previous union. It isn't that he is hard to get along with...it's just that one thing that EVERYONE wants...CONTROL.

Thinking about this made me think about women who confuse themselves day in and day out about their love lives. They ask themselves the same questions over and over again wondering why they can't find an answer to why their relationships appear to go great but in the end, always fizzle or they have to put up with drama. They are by no means "weak" women but I believe that sometimes they get so caught up in controlling their lives so much that it carries over into their relationships and that is where they get their big bold FAIL in red letters. This isn't to say that you can't have standards and hold a man to them. That is necessary if you don't want to become someones doormat but the art of compromise is essential when you have "control issues".

Figuring out what I would tolerate in this particular relationship and what I wouldn't, allowed me to ease into a better relationship with the father of my child. I put it out there for him to hear (instead of keeping it bottled up until that one day I just knew he would eff up) and I made it clear that I was serious. From that day forward things changed. Maybe they changed because he was terrified that I would ultimately choose to wash my hands of him 100% or maybe he just felt like there are certain aspects of a persons life he can't control either. I won't pretend like it's been an easy road because people (read: him) will try to test you to see if you REALLY mean what you say. While we began traveling this road of compromise and control, I got pregnant and learned something else about control...

Being pregnant, you don't control ANYTHING about yourself ANYMORE. What you had once conditioned yourself to do by routine day in and day out, a little baby has come and ran havoc on. This control situation isn't about you adjusting when you finally feel up to it...it's IMMEDIATE changes that will cause you IMMEDIATE discomfort if you do not acknowledge and abide. So I can safely say that I have learned this one thing about control from my daughter and her father....I don't run shat as long as they are around.

Kidding...I think she's tired herself out from karate and fallen asleep so I'm going to take advantage of this and do the same....

6 points of view:

NightFall914 said...

Great points.I really do think that folk need to strike that balance between setting standards and being overpowering.

I" relinquished a large portion of control in our relationship and as a result, this led to me being awakened by two little fists and feet at 3 in the morning."

That line says a lot.Not to be in your business but is that to say that he was pushing to have a child more so then you?

Assertive Wit said...

He wasn't pressed to have another kid LOL what I meant by that was I am usually so much in control that I don't let my guard down enough to where getting pregnant would even be an option...this was the first time I let my guard down AND the first time I've EVER been pregnant...I just didn't feel the need to control the outcome of our relationship and I got comfortable :)

NightFall914 said...

Oooooooooh ok.
Gotcha ;)

Solomon said...

I feel ya on this one, I've been in enough relationships where there were big egos involved. What I have learned to do is 'bend but don't break' as they say. Let the other person know how I'm feeling, and reaching a compromise when possible. I've also learned that some people don't know the meaning of compomise, that is when this rule gets a little tricky.

"I pay the light bill, I can have the TV on all effin day if I want!" lolol

DLG said...

I feel you so much on this one. This is a constant struggle with me. I always feel the need to control every aspect of my life (especially feelings) & I'm learning more and more that it can't work that way.

Assertive Wit said...

Solomon: yeah that kind of reasoning (I paid for it! DO WHAT I SAY!) is some foolishness. I think some people revert to straight only child syndrome in their relationships...do it their way or it's gonna be hell on earth for you. As adults, that is the most immature view to have on ANYTHING. Like I said before, I'm not saying lay down and let someone wipe their feet all on you but be reasonable...you'd think it wasn't such a hard thing to do...but apparently it is LOL

DLG: When I was your age, ALL my intimate relationships had to be on my terms and MY terms only. There was no negotiating and while I had ALL valid points, it put this big "CONTROL FREAK" sign over my head to anyone I was dating. Let's just say I'm glad I got older and learned a few things about life :)

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