Monday, April 13, 2009

What Terrifies Me...

What scares me the most about having a kid is the FACT that I have the power to f*ck this kids life up...FOREVER. I know MOST people who have the role of guardian don't INTENTIONALLY destroy the fibers of a child's life but there are moments when a parent/guardian does MAJOR damage and can SEE they are doing something that might have SERIOUS repercussions later but it is almost like they are wishing on a star that the kid NEVER figures out what they are doing. I understand that MOST parents/guardians have the mind frame, "this is for their own good", but it? Or is it just you as the guardian/parent exuding your control over an individual that doesn't have the power or balls to question your authority?

I'm going to go with the latter and I base it strictly off how I was raised and also some people I've seen struggle with life because of some ridiculous shat their parents did to them when they were younger. Granted, EVERYONE doesn't experience this and to those people, I high five you. I understand my parents meant well (sometimes) and it was their first time raising kids but usually, that's the case. If you've had the privilege of raising more than one set of kids and you manage to f*ck both sets of kids up, the problem DEFINITELY rests in you not knowing what good judgement is.

I know there are going to be days when I might do something because I think it's best for my kid but I pray to God EVERYDAY that SOMEONE, ANYONE, hell, ANYTHING shed light on a subject that I'm just being an azz on that will affect my kid later so I make a better decision, FOR THEM, not myself.

Give you an example. I was watching this foreign film called Twin Sisters. Their dad died and their family separated them. Sent the sick one off to live with the rich side and the healthy one stayed with the poor side to help on the farm. The rich family lied to the sick girl and told her that her sister was too stupid to know how to write her back and since she was poor and stupid, she didn't have no stationary to write her and that's why she never got any letters. These girls were 6 years old and grew up in a middle class household with their father. THEY BOTH KNEW HOW TO READ AND WRITE BEFORE THEIR DAD DIED. You don't forget those things because your parent dies...dumb azzes. The sick girl wasn't having it and said she was going to write her sister anyway. The guardians decided it was within the little girls best interest to forget about her sister, like she had died and never mailed one letter out but led her to believe the letters were getting mailed and her sister just didn't want to respond.

The poor little girl wrote a letter to her sick sister only for her guardians to tell her they didn't know where her sister lived and the rich people didn't tell them because they didn't want her to see her sister.

These girls weren't reunited until they were about 21 and by then, even though they were still flesh and blood, they couldn't have been more different. Even though both were German, one was raised to support the reign of Hitler and the other was raised to think of Hitler's reign as one of terror and anarchy. Because of this HUGE difference in thinking, it caused a rift in their relationship and they didn't really speak to one another again until they were both hella old and about to die.

See...f*cked them girls lives up for no reason at all but simply because they had the power to do so.

But there was a moment when both families KNEW what they were doing was wrong. The rich family, the "mother" cried when she was asking her husband IF they should mail the letters out AND she willingly lied to the sickly girl, calling her sister a barbarian, poor, and stupid. YOU'RE AN ADULT; YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS WRONG.

The other family didn't want to pay someone to do the job they were forcing the healthy little girl to do AND deprived her of an education. They did all of this even though they were given money when they took the little girl into their home.

Even though this example is kind of extreme, lying to your kids isn't and some parents think it really doesn't matter if they do lie to their kids to spare them some uneasiness at the moment. But if you raise your kids to KNOW that lying is wrong, and you spank them when they lie, what are you really teaching them? That it's okay for you to lie but not them? Sometimes things happen between parents and children so fast, they don't realize what they're doing so I'll give some room for error there. Where I leave little room for error is when a parent has an opportunity to right their wrongs and just takes the "L" because so much time has passed, they figure it isn't worth it. Trust me, it's ALWAYS worth it to admit you're wrong and to apologize for destroying someone's life. At that point, it's up to them to forgive you and move on.

So yes, I acknowledge that being a parent is not going to be easy and there are going to be times you want to lock your kids up in the one of the dog kennels (reference picture). I've already stated that if my kid ends up with ADD or ADHD, I'm tying his/her attention deficit azz to a plant until they calm down. As long as mommy apologizes, all should be forgiven. Kidding, but seriously, once the damage is done, as long as parents acknowledge that MAYBE THEY WEREN'T RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING, people can go on to have better relationships with their parents and also live better lives.

I know I have...

3 points of view:

Naturally Alise said...

After a tumultuous weekend with family, looking at my mother (As much as I love her) I have decided to do my best not to exhibit the controlling and damaging behavior that she does. I think we can learn a lot from others mistakes if we work hard at it and remember we are there to mold children, not to make them puppets or to live vicariously through...

Monk Inyang said...

Now that my nephew has just turned 1, I think about all the posibilites there are with his development even though he's not technically my child. While growing up there were numerous times I YELLED at my parents and vowed to NEVER treat my children the way they treated me. Sometimes I was being harsh but there are those times I distinctly remember that I was completely on point.

I think it's important to know that you'll make mistakes while raising a kid but to be proactive in acknowledging those mistakes and correcting them.

AssertiveWit said...

Alise: the great thing about parents is that when you KNOW they REALLY do love you, it's THAT much easier to forgive them; I feel the same way about my parents...I've definitely learned from their mistakes but I'm sure I got my own I'll make too, unfortunately.

Monk: Yeah...I think it's just as important for parents to remember just like their kids don't know everything, they don't either...raising kids is trial and error most of the time but I think with love in there, it makes it an easier job to do

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