Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Life's Retarded Double Standards

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About 30 lbs.

I saw that joke this morning and as much as it should have been funny, it wasn't. Why? Because let a wife OR girlfriend gain 30 lbs and it is ALWAYS a problem. When a boyfriend or husband gains weight, it's not a big issue and shouldn't even be mentioned in most cases. Double standard.

A woman and a man who aren't married conceive a child. The man freaks out and distances himself as much as possible without looking like a complete asshole but all the while states that he is going to take care of his responsibility. Can a woman even do that? Hell no, for one, the crumbsnatcher happens to roost in her belly for a good 40 weeks (you ever do the math on that? that's TEN MONTHS...NOT NINE). If a "father" decides he doesn't want the responsibility of living with the mother AND the child, he can go on to live his life as though the kid wasn't even born. He can still go out on dates, have sex with other women, even boast to others he's having a kid, even though he has no plans whatsoever of being with the mother at this point because...well, that's just too much for him to deal with (read: selfish). His version of contributing to the welfare of the kid is answering phone calls if and when she calls (if he is available; you know, answering when on a date might not happen and definitely not if he's in the middle of getting some poon from some woman that isn't carrying his child) and TRYING to be available when and if she needs him. Now...let a woman "abandon" her responsibility and she becomes an unfit mother. Imagine a pregnant woman going on dates with men who did not impregnate her....imagine her having sex with men WHILE she's pregnant. All the while she's telling everyone how the kid is going to stay with the father but she's going to be around so no one should think she's a bad parent. Her contribution to the welfare of her kid is calling once or twice a day to say hi and TRYING to be available when she can...IF she can. Doesn't sound as acceptable when it's the woman doing it though. Double standard.

I brought up the issue of having a kid while not being married because I don't think a lot of males understand that it is NEVER a 50/50 role they play in the situation. Having MONEY does not indicate that you will be a good parent. Children have no real concept of money until they are conditioned to want things that cost money and you pump their little heads full of materialistic shat that won't even interest them 15 days after you bought it. Big reason why kids sometimes think money does in fact grow on trees. Even if two people are married, the role of caregiver and provider is not split equally down the middle. While the husband MIGHT make more money than the wife, that doesn't mean that all his earnings are spent on the child. Children typically spend most of their time growing up with their mother (EVEN IN MARRIED HOUSEHOLDS). If the wife is working, just like the husband, I can guarantee you that she doesn't ALWAYS pull funds from the joint account when she has to do something for the children. She uses whatever money is available at the time...whether it is hers or theirs. So imagine how it is for two people who don't even live together. It is more like a babysitter on call type of situation. Sure, it's his kid but UNLESS he makes a concerted effort EVERY DAY to see his kid and contribute to the DAILY upbringing of the child, the "fathers" contribution to who this kid will be someday falls short of EVERYTHING the mother has to do.

Sad but true...but hey, this is the kind of world we live in...where the parent that the child lives with is ACTUALLY the one who takes care of the kid. Unfortunately, this is a double standard that I don't see changing any time soon...

*NOTE: of course if the mom is a deadbeat and bounces, leaving the kid with the dad, well, he becomes the typical mom in this role...so to the dad's who have little to no support from the women who they conceived their kid with...sorry, it sucks like this for FAR MORE women than men....

14 points of view:

Ms_Slim said...

I wholeheartedly concur with this post.

A long time ago, my dad was angry about an argument he and my mom were having and was pretty much venting it out. I was trying to tell her how I saw her side over his because even though she makes less financially than him, she does a lot MORE for the household. He didnt see that though and said....wait for it...."that's nothing though. All she has to do is carry the babies in the belly. A man has to make the money for the kids. That's harder."

*crickets?*

crickets indeed.


Needless to say, at (around) 14, I found that to be the silliest counter argument I heard in a while.

Assertive Wit said...

yeah, no disrespect to your dad but that has to be the most asinine thing to say LOL

just the other day some idiot compared being pregnant to having the stomach flu, or IBS....really? I didn't know that your rib cage expands to make room for the flu or your irritable bowels...interesting. I also didn't know that having a living, breathing human being in your body could be compared to a disgusting virus or some stool you can't manage to get out or keep in your ass...right.

Simple people sometimes make me want to choke them...

Brittni said...

This topic keeps coming up around me recently and it's depressing.

To compound on your argument, I hate it when one parent assumes that, because of the child's gender, they're "just fine" with the other parent. For example, when guys claim, "Oh, she's a little girl. I don't have to be around ALL the time. She needs her mother more anyway - she's ok."

That's bull, a child regardless of sex desires both parents and though it can be done by one, two loving and nurturing parents are ALWAYS better.

Ms_Slim said...

No disrespect taken.

I just think that no man should even attempt at comparing childbirth or anything a woman is pretty much obligated to do for their child to anything pertaining to his role as a man. It's a no-win argument...on his part. Always...especially since a man will never be able to really experience such an act himself (referencing childbirth). lol

Ms_Slim said...

Oooh I can see I'll be on this blog a lot today lol.

In reference to Brittni's great point. Chris Rock said it best. I'm gonna paraphrase as he said this a LONG time ago:

"Two parents are necessary (regardless of gender). Sure you can be a single parent but that doesn't make it a good idea"

(to further his point, he adds)

"It's the (silliest) thing in the world to say, 'I got it. I don't NEED anybody to raise my child'. You can drive with your feet if you want to...but that don't make it a good idea".

I swear above everything CR has ever said, that'll be one quote that'll always stick with me in regards to him LOL

Assertive Wit said...

Brittni: it is a somewhat depressing topic when you really think about it...children do need BOTH of their parents to love them and help them grow as little people so when they become adults they can deal with life a little easier...cause boy, it aint no piece of cake! LOL

Ms. Slim: comparing childbearing and childbirth to anything OTHER than childbearing and childbirth is so out of line...and even then one must be careful because each pregnancy is different. trying to explain it takes so much energy and asking some guys to read about EXACTLY what a woman goes through is tantamount to pulling teeth at times LOL

and those Chris Rock quotes, as hilarious as they are, they are very true...yes, single parenting CAN be done but it aint necessarily the best idea in the world

DLG said...

How do you suggest the problem be solved? Should a man that has gotten a woman pregnant marry her? Or should he move in with her to help raise the child? What should be his role when they weren't in a relationship and the child was conceived?

I can't stand double-standards and the ones regarding child care are unfair, but I couldn't think of any solutions outside of making requirements that may not be possible/plausible. I am completely against marriage that occurs simply because of a child. I think that causes more harm than good. It is easier to spend time with someone daily that lives with you as opposed to someone that lives on the other side of town. Some people do not get along with the woman that gave birth to their child and sometimes she is the one making it difficult.

I agree that paying the bills is not the same thing as raising a child. I agree that seeing a child once a week isn't raising the child either. But how do you do it? Most people that I know in the situation have the arrangement most divorced families have. Daddy gets the kid on weekends. They come together to make major decisions. All other support is financial. Is there really another way?

*And I'm not talking about deadbeats, I'm talking about guys that DO want to be in their child's life, but they are no longer with the mother.*

Assertive Wit said...

DLG: I too am against getting married ONLY because there is a child now in the picture. I think life is a bit more complicated than that when it comes to relationships.

My blog was written more or less from the aspect of MEN who think like this, being able to form an understanding that it ISN'T EVER going to be a 50/50 type deal because the situation cannot be split down the middle, ESPECIALLY when you are not married or living together.

I didn't write it from the aspect of telling folks they need to get married or live with one another to raise a child right LOL

As for everything you mentioned, that is totally understandable. I just want people who get it twisted and think because they come around here and there and buy a birthday gift and an outfit to understand that raising a child is NEVER 50/50 when you are not a couple that live together.

As for "solving" the problem I was focused on, all people have to do is accept that their contribution is not comparable to the person the kid lives with. That was the only point I was trying to express :)

DLG said...

Ohhhhh ok lol. Well then I agree. I also become annoyed when men try to somehow say that what they're doing is equal to being there 24/7.

the girl with clean hands said...

I'm really emotional about this subject Syn because I'm about to be in the same situation. I was with someone recently long enough to get pregnant. I'm almost halfway through my pregnancy and he's a no show. I've heard stuff come out of his mouth like: I don't know you, so I don't know if that's my baby(mind you this is someone who if I wasn't at work or school, I spent everyday with, we had keys to each other's places, we never slept apart from each other from the first day we got serious.)I don't love you and I don't care about him (it's a boy) because I never wanted to have a baby and you didn't let me have an opinion about it(you wanted me to have an abortion, I didn't have one. You told me you opinion plus you probably couldn't have afforded the abortion because I would not have paid for it). My whole family hates you because you didn't have an abortion(How about you didn't tell your family?!)You tried to trap me(I'm the successful one in the relationship, so regardless of wheter we stayed together or not, my income would be the head of household.)Saying stuff like if I have to pay child support I'd rather go to jail, WTF?!
It's funny how people say they don't get along with their baby's mother it's because of bogus excuses such as the one above. You knew her enough to have sex with her unprotected and not question and concede what would happen if she got pregnant, it's different when it actually happens. They say be careful who you lay down with but what happens when that person turns into someone completely different when there's a child involved. I don't want to be some "deranged" baby momma but I don't want to be set up to be a simp either, please believe that, he will pay child support and his child when be spending time with him whether he wants him to or not. It's a two person responsibility. I didn't make this baby by myself and I'm sure not going to raise him by myself.

Craigjc said...

Yeah, the family unit is under attack today. By all sides. What happened to the days when Daddy would put on the Teddy Pendergrass record, pour Mama some red wine and they'd "slow drag" in front of our bewildered eyes? Things done changed.

Meh said...

I agree and disagree with your Bloggy Blog.

1. I agree men can gain weight but its because of what attracts us too each other. A fat guy with a shit ton of confidence can bag a model. Hell I am a chubby guy and I have never dated a fat girl or an ugly girl. Now when my confidence slipped...yeah so did they LOL. As for women, if you gain weight right you can still get it. Not to put you on the spot but you were slimmer in your high school pictures, you gained weight but in the right places I'd still smash! LOL! Now if you gained all your weight in only your gut and got chicken legs...ew.

2. Dead Beat Fathers. Again another good example because we can do that but I say if women did a better job choosing the men they slept with this wouldnt be a problem. Every man I have seen who did this showed warning signs before hand. Either they couldn't commit and kept bouncing back and fourth etc... Or they were blatantly assholes but since he was hard to get the girl stayed. I have a few friends who date men like this now.

3. Money is not for the kid its to live the same lifestyle you did before. I don't want to have to sell my car or not be able to go on vacation because I have a kid to pay for. Then god forbid you get incredibly sick or hurt from pregnancy and loose your job we are stuck on just my salary. Now if we are thrifty people then yeah money aint a thang!

4. Please don't raise a child by yourself. I mean its your business but men need father figures and so do girls. I think anyone can find someone to marry they just need to check themselves. If you are dating people who aren't worthy then find out why you are attracted to worthless men and fix it.

Assertive Wit said...

the girl with clean hands: you called me Syn so I must know you outside of this blog LOL I'm still trying to figure out who this is...I kind of got an idea while I was typing this response so I'm going to IM you later and hope it's you LOL

Anyway...your situation is truly unfortunate. You can never plan for that kind of thing so I hope everything works out for you.

I was talking to my dad the other day and he was talking to me about men in general and he says so much goes through their heads when a woman tells them that they are about to have their baby and sometimes they don't know how to process all of it. Sometimes they get to acting crazy and eventually come around and other times it can seem like a lost cause but he said by the time the baby is born, things definitely change for them and their perspective. Hopefully, this is the case for that blockhead of yours :)

Assertive Wit said...

Meh: the joke I put up wasn't really one of the topics of discussion...it was more so the setting of double standards that SOME men live by...not ALL men. Yes, I was MUCH slimmer in high school...my glory days LOL

I understand the point you raise about money and dead beat fathers but it will ALWAYS take TWO people to create a child...not just a woman who makes bad decisions about who she dates and people who financially can barely take care of themselves. I told one of my guy friends the other day that if he wants ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE of knocking someone up, ALWAYS wear a condom and STOP nutting in people. And even then, "accidents" can still happen. The ONLY sure fire way to AVOID pregnancy is good ol' ABSTINENCE. Can't say that I've been a willing participant of that option but you'll NEVER have kids that way...man OR woman.

As for raising a kid by myself, it's NEVER been my first option in life and it's MAINLY been because of how I was raised. I wasn't raised to get knocked up and have to do everything, essentially alone, but hey, if it happens, I will deal with my responsibility accordingly. Yes, anyone can find someone to marry them but I've never been that female to "look" for a man so I doubt that'll be a motivating factor to get married.

Dating is certainly not what it used to be OR what it was originally instituted as...a process that led to marriage. A lot of times people present what you would think is their best foot forward only to find out it was the image of who they should be. Life is full of trial and error so you just deal with it as it happens :)

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