Friday, March 13, 2009

Conversations About Poop

So I was on IM talking to my friend who just recently had a baby. She tells me all kinds of stuff I could care less to know about taking care of a kid but most importantly stuff that I should file away and store for that "special day". Most of her stories are hilarious. Especially the ones she's shared about crying while pregnant. I almost peed in my pants from laughing at her telling me she started crying about some commercial on TV about a dog with one eye. I think it had been abused or something. I wasn't laughing at the dog but more so at her. Of all the years I've known her, I've NEVER known her to be sensitive AT ALL. She actually laughs at people who are their face. Has been known to tell a few to get a life...while their face. So I felt it would be appropriate to return the favor...and laugh at her.

So today she's telling me things about poop and how when you're pregnant it doesn't have to do with the amount of water one'll still get blocked up like a clogged sink. This made me think about this other conversation I had some years ago with The Demon Spawn Roommate and her best friend.

We were getting ready for one of our Cocktail Hours but I had to go to the bathroom. I had eaten WhackDonald's a couple hours earlier and my body was telling me it was disposal time. So before we started our morning alcohol consumption, I ran to my bathroom, dropped the kids in the pool and came out ready to damage my liver. Her best friend stopped me and said, "I thought you said your stomach was bubbling". It had been but now that I had done my business I was good to go. He couldn't understand how a trip to the bathroom for a #2 was as quick as a #1. I explained to him in two simple words, "I'm regular". The Demon Spawn Roommate then takes it upon herself to share my personal and yell out, "Oh that's nothing! Ask her HOW MANY TIMES she does that a day!!" Of course he asked. I responded, ever so casually, "Usually 30-45 minutes after I eat something". His face froze in horror and after gaining his composure enough to breath said, "WHO SHITS THAT MUCH??? SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU! THAT CAN'T BE HEALTHY!"

Let's take a break on this story so I can share a little background info with you about this guy.

He's telling me that I go to the bathroom TOO MUCH but he craps ONCE A DAMN MONTH. Really? I'm going to listen to you tell me about my bowel movement regularity? Get out of my face and go sit on a toilet somewhere.

Back to the disgusting conversation.

I explain to him that someone who is REGULAR will crap THAT MUCH because WASTE is not supposed to just sit in your colon FOREVER. I even told him to ask a doctor if crapping once a month was healthy and if MAYBE that's why his skin was horrible. Think about babies...when you feed them, they burp, usually sleep, then shit. It's the normal process of digesting ones food. As adults it takes a little longer because we eat more solid food than titty milk, formula, and rice cereal. But, the standard still applies. You should crap after you eat.

So he goes on to be appalled that I crapped so frequently and effortlessly. His visits to the pool usually take 30-60 minutes. I'm not sure if he's aware that's CONSTIPATION but I sure hope he has figured it out by now. He asks several of our other friends how often they crap to compare it with my regularity. After about 5 people I stop getting embarrassed that I'm talking to people about my shitting habits. I just became glad that more people were aware that one crap a week isn't a good thing either. And that was one of the many conversations I've had about poo...

3 points of view:

Solomon said...

Just in case you're taking a pole, I an just as regular as you are and have ben for as long as I can remember.

Whenever I eat, the guys are swimming in the pool 15 to 30 minutes later. Almost without exception. And as with you, the #2 is as quick as the #1.

I wouldn't go as far as to say it isn't unusual, because the way people eat these days you'd wonder if it wouldn't permenantly clog the pipes, but it is the way it is supposed to be done, as you said.

Unknown said...

I am 'good to go' pretty much as soon as I have eaten! So, when I eat in restaurants, I have to be careful not to over eat. Less than once a day is seriously unhealthy. If you know that someone is not regular or (even worse) constipated, it's hard not to visualise all the excrement living inside them!


Hi there,

That person needs to see a doctor... SERIOUSLY.

Colon cancer is no joke and it begins with symptoms like your friend described...abnormal patterns of bowel movements.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!

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