Saturday, February 07, 2009

Rules and Instructions To Being Your Friend??? What???

Anytime the "beginning of the end" of a friendship comes about between me and someone else, I can bet you my next paycheck they will always say "maybe we don't share the same definition of what a friend is". I always found that to be funny because they were perfectly fine with my friendship definition up until that point where they decided they didn't want to agree to disagree on something. Funny how people work that way.

I've never assumed that someones definition of friendship changes simply because we disagree on something that might appear to be a hump they can't get over. Just simply means we don't see eye to eye on THAT particular issue. I don't love them any less or take into question their stance on friendship; those kinds of things don't change that quickly and if they do something or someone provoked what appears to be "immediate" change. Sometimes people are looking for a way out of something and when that opportunity comes, they jump on it, for fear they'll never get a solid reason to just simply "walk away" from the friendship.

This musing was brought on because of a friend who told me that there were rules and instructions to knowing her as a person. I have known her for 7 years and she divulges this the 7th year. Frankly, I view it as an excuse to act how she pleases. If you never really have consistency with people, they never really know you, and for some people, that takes them out of faults way for the things they do. She admitted to being confusing and feeling one way today and another tomorrow but felt that I shouldn't pay attention to her body language, tone of voice, and attitude because what I think she is feeling may not really be the case. Who has time to decipher someone that much in a friendship? I most certainly don't and it was at that very moment I felt sorry for men who have to deal with moody girlfriends, wives, sisters, mothers, etc.

Being moody is not cool because your emotions are all over the place; you tend to treat people any kind of way simply based off how you feel at the moment. When people react to how they are being treated, moody people usually tend to get offended like they were slighted in some manner when their projected behavior brought on someone elses response to them. I understand how moodiness works; doesn't mean I have to like it OR be around it. So far, not one moody person has understood this. I take that back. My best friend is VERY moody and he understands; as a matter of fact, he prefers you to leave him alone when he is in one of those kind of moods.

I have no problem for accepting people for who they long as they own up to it. I have no desire to be friends with someone who can't admit that THIS IS WHO THEY ARE. If you don't want to be THAT person, then change it. Simpler than it sounds? Of course! The first step though is ACCEPTING this is who you are and moving on from there. If you accept that you are moody, you also have to accept that you will turn people off and away from you more often than not. Your mood swings may not like that when you are happy, no one wants to be around you from the mood you projected the previous day that said "everyone eat shit and die". No one HAS to subject themselves to that; not a friend, family member, or some random stranger. THAT is what I need moody people to understand.

After a while of dealing with moody people, it becomes quite draining because you NEVER know WHAT mood they are going to decide to be in today or tonight. You don't know if the happiness you see them having at noon is going to be fleeting by 8 pm and you're going to get a hateful, spiteful, miserable individual for the rest of the evening. Hang around enough moody people and your moods will become affected. I promise you, you could be in the best spirits ever, end up around a moody person and begin to wonder why you are no longer happy. Moody people often will kill the joy of others simply because of their crap ass mood and then hours later be happy and wonder why no one is in the same mood. It is very close to dealing with someone with multiple personalities; you never know when their mood is going to change therefore, you need to be prepared for any and everything at any given moment with them.

Needless to say, predictability and consistency is NEVER a moody persons strong suit. But again if this is your friend or family member and you know this about them, it is easier to deal with when THEY KNOW IT ABOUT THEMSELVES....AND ACCEPT THAT PEOPLE WILL REACT TO HOW THEY ACT. Most of the time though, getting a moody person to understand cause and effect is like pulling impacted wisdom teeth...very painful, almost so much that you'd rather not waste your time.

I know at this stage in my life, I don't have the patience to deal with anyone who is in self-denial (read: moody but not ready to accept responsibility for it).

10 points of view:

JaeSpenc said...

**HI--My name is Jae, and I am a Moody Person**
::crowd:: " Hi Jae "... lol

I completely understand where you're coming from though. Being a MOODY PERSON, I know my ability to change the atmosphere around me based on how I ACT. I recognize that I can pullllllllll you down when I'm down... and I control that. Much like your friend, I advise people to avoid me when I'm in a shitty mood, because, though age and maturity have taught me how to CONTROL this moodiness (basically fake the funk), It seeps out sometimes.

As for the "there are rules to being my friend" line. I've said something of the like to a friend ( in highschool ) and only now realize how ridiculous that was. You're someones friend because you are. There are no rules (well aside from the unwritten ones ( don't screw my dude, don't try to kill me, my family, my pets, etc). The person I said that to is still my best friend today ( after 12 years ), and much because she told me I was an idiot and that NO ONE had to be subjected to my ridiculousness just because I was in a bad mood(how's that for a run on sentence!ha!).

People are banana's sometimes... it's hard to understand them... I, MYSELF, dislike moody people! lol... because two of us... is a recipe for disaster... but there again, I AM a Gemini-- so that's my excuse! lol

Good Blog
(and thanks for commenting on mine this week :))

MsFlyGirl said...

I look at each freindship with a purpose. This friend is to eat with, shop with, bar hop with and etc. But I really try not to get to thinking about it as some form of relationship, that is when it turns to a downfall.

If they are having a "mood" and you know their personality, I simply say, "Oh you are having a bad day. You need some me time, I'll catch you later." I am not a moody person but if i know my attitude will light your ass on fire I completely back up and do me.

This friend is just childish. isnt that what moody is, an adult version of a tantrum!


Anonymous said...

Dealing with moody people is draining. I agree with MsFlyGirl..."being moody is an adult version of a tantrum." I've had to expel a few of those kinds of friends out of my life because I just don't have the time to deal with them and their issues. I feel sorry for men that have to deal with moody women too. Good blog!

Kryssy said...

LOL... great blog.
I am a moody person... and I have moments of bitchy insanity...
But, not only are my friends aware of this, I also take the time out to apologize before AND after I say/do something that may raise a few eyebrows. They know I have a good heart though, so I think that's why they let me slide. LOL

Miss.Stefanie said...

Friendship is different from all of us. Personally, when a friend is acting like a non-friend to me, they usually think they are acting like a friemd. A friend to me i someone who loves, cares and supports me through the good, bad, ugly. Who brings me up, encourges me, and betters me as a person. Who will come thru in a time of need. Laugh with me, cry with me and never let me be alone. Who is honest and loyal, kind and caring.

Thats how I am as a friend. So when someone aint those things, I say "Buh-bye!"

People take friendship as a joke nowadays. It's such a shame.

♥ CG ♥ said...

Rules and instructions? I don't get it, but ok...

The friends I have now will be so until the end. I'm at the age where I love meeting new people, but am a little stingy with the time it takes to get to know someone new. Moody folks drain me too. I don't consider myself moody although I bet my girls would say something different. They think I'm in a mood when I become unaccessible....sometimes I HATE to hear the phone ring, so I take full advantage of vm and caller ID...we're all entitled, right?

Solomon said...

I get a little sturn at times, but only to make a point clear.

I know all about moody, almost all the women I have dated have been moody. It isn't fun being around them in there moodiness.

I also had a long time friend who seemed not to be too moody, then I found out a few things about them, their whole life revolved around denial and deceit, they were a lie in a box. If that ain't moody I don't know what is.

I used to be moody when I wasn't working on me and letting people take advantage of me, because it was my escape, I would lash out, sometimes unlnowingly because I didn't know how to deal with others.

Today I just steer clear of others wo are moo0dy and are going to try and bring me down!

Mr. Smart Guy said...

I definitely feel you...

I think the hardest thing people fail to realize like in any relationship, things change. Just because we liked each other in the beginning doesn't mean we'll always do so.

Many times people become comfortable and don't work as hard to maintain that kinship that brought you together initially and that's when problems occur and you begin to have issues like the one you're currently having with your "friend".

The beauty of these talks however help you to realize what true friendship really is and whether or not things are worth salvaging...

BTW, I'm glad you're my bud (or something like that)

AssertiveWit said...

@ JaeSpenc: see at least you know and will warn people...not this chick; she took it as me not accepting her in her bad times. I ceased talking to her about the situation because it wasn't about accepting her in the good and bad times...I just wanted her to understand that AS A FRIEND, you wouldn't subject your friends to your sh*tty attitude THEN get mad when they bring it to your attention that you're being a b*tch more often than not.

Funny thing is, I wasn't the only friend who had mentioned this to her in the past couple weeks. She told them that they needed to work on accepting her as is also. She doesn't get that it isn't about accepting a friend for who they are; our concern was that she feels it's perfectly okay to treat us (her friends) any kind of way she wants based on her mood and her feeling like we aren't her friend if we ask her to stop mistreating us. I've concluded she's crazy and will no longer be dealing with her in the friend capacity since she just don't get it LOL

@ MsFlyGirl: Everyone views friendship differently but, for the most part, you usually end up with friends who have the same outlook on friendship as you do. She and I viewed friendship the same until I wanted to talk about her blatant disregard for anyone elses feelings, aside from her own. She has been known to throw tantrums as well...simply because someone wasn't doing what she wanted.

@ Kenya: She acknowledged that she can be draining but in the same breath said if I was her real friend, I would just deal with it. I have never heard something more selfish in my life! When did it become okay for a friend to suck the life out of another friend? Apparently she has come to the conclusion that it's okay and since I TOTALLY disagree with that, I intend to stay far away from her draining azz.

@ Kryssy: at least you apologize when you are acting like a wench LOL she basically made excuses for her ignant behavior; while I don't think she has any malice in her heart, I've always known her to be selfish and this was her exuding her selfishness to the fullest.

@ Miss Stefanie: While friendship does differ, people who choose to become friends generally understand each others stance on it...which is how they become friends. She and I had been friends for 7 years and all of a sudden I need a policy and procedure manual to deal with her? That's some bullsh*t LOL I've been there for her through SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much and this one time that I mention something to her, she acts like I'm not being a friend...I'm still confused as I type. But at this point, it's whatever. If HER definition of friendship has changed after 7 years, maybe she just did me a favor :)

@ CurvyGurl: I was just as lost as you at that rules and instructions crap...who says that??? I was just telling another long time friend of mine the other day that I'm comfortable with the people I am closest too and if I never get another "friend" like them again in life, I'm fine with that. Getting to know people does take energy and right now, since my circle is pretty solid, people acting like idiots usually only have to do something once and I'm good. They might be a GREAT person but if it requires me to deal with too much of their foolishness, I'll pass.

@ Solomon: I have a few girlfriends who are moody BUT acknowledge it and will go into hiding when they are in a "mood", which is why we are still friends. This moody heffa is/was an exception to the rule. All of my friends who are "moody", well, when it comes to the men department, most dudes don't stay around very long...because of their moodiness. I learned a VERY valuable lesson through them a while back...just because you are pretty doesn't mean a guy will stick around if you are moody! LOL

@ Smart Guy: Things can change in any's the willingness for both parties to acknowledge the change and get past it that will determine whether or not they stay friends. I guess after 7 years, she could DEFINITELY dish it but really can't take it. She called herself working on improving our relationship, unbeknowst to you gone work on something that involves 2 people without letting the other person know? She makes no damn sense.

In my mind, she and I are not worth salvaging.

And thank you :) you're a cool bud too!

ChiChi said...

So, I'm browsing your old blogs and OMG...this is almost exactly what my friend said: "'maybe we don't share the same definition of what a friend is'..."

And this is how I felt: "I've never assumed that someones definition of friendship changes simply because we disagree on something that might appear to be a hump they can't get over. Just simply means we don't see eye to eye on THAT particular issue."


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