Sunday, February 22, 2009

Flatulence in the Grocery Store


Sometimes I think to myself:

"Self, you are one of God's personal jokes to see how long someone can TRY to exercise patience before truly snapping on someone".

I mean seriously...am I NOT supposed to say anything to someone who BLATANTLY farts NEXT TO ME in the grocery store?

But let me tell you how it all went down...

I get up to the self-checkout and I smell something quite rotten eggish but I dismiss it as someone who needs to bathe. The grocery store I was in happens to have a lot of bums in front and from time to time, they'll make their way inside to buy one item they can afford. I figured one had walked by. That is until the cashier sprays ME with Febreze. I slowly put my tangelo down and turn towards her and as I was about to say "What the f*ck" out loud she says:

"My bad. My coworkers are rude"

But you had to spray me though? Really? As soon as I opened my mouth to ask why she had to spray ME, I caught a whiff of her coworkers ungodly bowel air in my mouth. I INSTANTLY wanted to throw up on them both. Her butt air smelled like a decaying animal that had been under a house for a good 30 days. And the following conversation...I couldn't have made this up IF I tried:

"I'm saying though, it's a normal body function"

"Yes, it is but you could at least walk AWAY from customers"

"They know it's a normal body function"

"True but you couldn't walk away so they wouldn't know it's DEFINITELY you? You're so rude"

Security guard decides to put in his two cents, "Everyone knows about the "walk away"; that's the least you could have done. That's rude to your coworkers AND the customers".

A manager happens to walk by and catch a whiff in his nostrils. Apparently this employee is known for letting it rip. It was confirmed when she said:

"I mean when I'm shopping or in the club, I do the walk away but hell, I'm not holding in no gas for nobody"

The security guard (a man) is now grossly appalled at this woman and says "you be farting in the club? you foul as hell". At this point, I guess the manager chimes in and all I could pick up as I walked past her MAKING SURE she saw my look of disgust, something about in the employee manual there is a section about behavior at work and this was not exemplary.

People like this STILL have jobs...why?

13 points of view:

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

ROFL. That's awful and trife.

Girl, why did I think of you while I was at the grocery store checkout this morning. I absolutely hate when people put their ish right up next to yours on the belt, like they just can't wait. This time the kicker was dude's stinky cologne. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I started to turn around to tell him to back the eff up, but one of the cashiers caught my eye and smiled...that's the only thing that snapped me out of pure evilness. I wanted to ask him if he was planning to pay for my ish, if so, he still didn't need to be that damn close.

JaeSpenc said...

My daughter just looked at me like I am crazy because I am laughing so hard...

Nasty nasty nasty... and LMAO @ the tag " poot " lmaoooooooooo

Miss.Stefanie said...

Im so sick, laughing made mocos come out...so gross!

Miss.Stefanie said...

Im so sick, laughing made mocos come out...so gross!

jeanette nicole* said...

I was rollin' @ the conversation that happened and then I had to scroll down and see one of your tags is "poot"?! I am so glad I was home alone because I don't think I could explain the sound I made upon reading that, LMAO!

phallatio said...

Yuk! I'm a guy but not even I would do that!

a black girl who did date said...

I thought this was about you!!!! LOL!!!!

Adwoa said...

I am in the library trying to control my laughter (I am NOT doing a very good job either!)

**I see evil stares! LOL

Craigjc said...

Dag! When you said rotten eggish why did I smell it? Sidenote: And what's up with Phallattio's picture? Lol

babbler said...

Your description of the scene is so good that it is in "scentsurround!" (You may be too young to know that back in the 70's, they made disaster movies with big oversize speakers so that when you saw the movie Earthquake, the theater actually shook! Anyway, I could smell something coming outta my computer! BTW, I have a related post on my blog that I did a few days ago, you might want to come on over and scroll down to find it, it is a flatulence related comic. It would be an honor to have you as a visitor! Much Love and Respect from "Mrs. Slug"

Kryssy said...

I am so dead....
People like that need to be punched in the face...

allison veronica said...

omg. too funny. i'm over here dyin. =))

BeeHappy said...

I was laughing so hard today at work today that my team lead told me to stop laughing and wondered what I was laughing at. I sent it to her and she laughed too! This blog was hilarious and I felt like I could relate because I work in a grocery story. I can't believe how trashy and disrespectful people are! Ugh it drives me to drink a lot :)

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