Tuesday, January 27, 2009

YOU Are YOUR PROBLEM...So Stop Blaming Everyone Else

Precursor: this is NOT about anyone in particular but if you feel it applies, then maybe you need to do something different...P.S. - the world does not revolve around one person so to be haughty enough to assume I would write about you, in particular, is pathetic on your behalf. This blog stems from a culmination of things I have been privy to AND a part of in the last year or so. It just is what it is...and it isn't about you...whoever you are.

There is nothing more difficult to do than to help someone who CLAIMS they want help and/or answers when the problem is....THEM. Before they have come to you for help, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, sincere advice, they have already made up in their mind that THEIR PROBLEMS are a result of someone or something else. They might be your friend, family, coworker, even associate but if you know that they REALLY don't want to hear you ask if they think they are even a part of THEIR PROBLEM, 9 times out of 10, you are wasting your valuable time.

They want an answer that doesn't require them to look in the mirror and face the fact that THEIR PROBLEMS are THEIR PROBLEMS and no one else's. It's more than obvious that blaming people and circumstances hasn't worked out but trying that new something...looking at what they are actually doing to get the SAME damn results, is not an option. Therefore, they are somewhat insane. Yes, that is my final verdict.

How long do you do this with loved ones? How long do you let their insanity creep over into your life because you just want to help? I honestly don't know the cut off point of when to grab them by the shoulders and shout in their face: YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU AND IT WILL ALWAYS BE YOU UNTIL YOU CHANGE SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO CHANGE, RESIGN YOURSELF TO LIVING THIS VERY LIFE. IF CHANGE IS A VIABLE OPTION TRY IT AND SEE IF YOU LIKE THE RESULTS, THEN KEEP AT IT BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THIS WORKS; WHAT YOU WERE DOING, DOESN'T.

This isn't anything you'll likely be able to show, tell, or convince them of. You will become the enemy eventually because you never take their warped side of "who is to blame but me". So a decision has to be made....do you want someone around who will 9 times out of 10 end up blaming you for something THEY decided to partake in? I personally don't like being blamed 100% for anything someone else played even 20% in but I will look at what I did first before I point the finger at them. I accept that. I would rather look at IF and/or HOW I contributed OR caused a problem altogether. Makes me see where I can do things differently next time. I'll NEVER cast blame first...just isn't in me because I recognize and KNOW...I am an adult; I make my OWN decisions; no one forces me to do anything. I DO WHAT I DO BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, THAT IS WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

Granted, sometimes you might feel this slight imaginary pressure to do things you might not want to do but once the decision is made to do it, who did it? YES, YOU! So how does anyone feel comfortable blaming someone else for a decision they didn't want to make in the first damn place? I will never understand it and it will forever run loops around me.

My mother got laid off and she asked me for some money a few months ago. I didn't want to give it to her (for my own reasons) because...I just didn't want to (at the end of the day those reasons really don't matter). I ended up giving it to her but I didn't resign in my head that "she made me give it to her". How? Because she called and asked me for it? I could have said no. Because she sounded so pitiful that if I didn't I would feel bad? No. I gave it to her because I wanted to. Yeah, I could think of 50 things I could have done with that money but at the end of the day, I did what I wanted to do...I gave it to her. What kind of idiot would I be to make up reasons for why I was "forced" to give that money to her? "She's my mom. What was I supposed to do? I didn't have a choice". Ummm, yes I did. I could have said no and that would have been that. Who would have forced me to say no? No one. It would have been my decision wholeheartedly.

Someone might say, "It isn't that simple". What isn't that simple? It isn't simple to accept responsibility for your own actions? It's easier for you to pass the buck? That makes you a coward. I don't see how you look in the mirror everyday knowing you blame other people for the retarded things you do in life. Unless you have a gun to your head, NO ONE MAKES YOU DO ANYTHING YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO. If they do, then you are a pushover. If people can get you to do things at will, you have no will power. It doesn't sound so nice to blame others now...does it?

I'm just tired....I'm tired of listening to the same whining, complaining, and stories where people just don't know what to do when all they have to do is look at themselves and they will see...they are their own problem. Am I a result of my most problems? Yeah...a good 99% of them. I know I contribute to a lot of things that aren't 100% copacetic in my life...do I complain about them? Yeah, I'm human. Do I place the blame solely on another human being? Never. That 1% I usually don't take the blame for is if it's some random occurrence of "I just got in my car and a drunk driver flies out of nowhere and hits my car". Did I have ANYTHING to do with that other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Nope. Shat happens and that's where that 1% comes in.

I accept that I might have contributed to something going all bad when it does in my life; even if it is a small part. I believe in cause and effect, whether I am the beginning or end of that equation. Am I being too hard on myself? No, because that isn't me saying that sometimes people don't play a PART in things that go all bad...it's just me acknowledging that simply, SOMETIMES, if I did something slightly different, they wouldn't have a chance to do something all bad that inevitably effects me.

Just accept responsibility people....and half of your problem is gone right there.

I'm now off to assist someone in something that could have been avoided...how do I play a part in it? By constantly being there when I'm not obligated to....such is life.

8 points of view:

CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Dang, how is it that I relate to everything you post? Scary. Girl, needless to say, I've been there. Used to have a hard time saying no, but that's changing. My fam consists of a cast of characters. each with their own issues but no one ever addresses them. I need to print and laminate a copy of this post to hand to folks when the bull starts flowing.

On another note, please stop by my spot when you have a chance, there's a small token of my admiration of addressing issues with the realness :).

a black girl who did date said...

I have one word for you.....Chuuch!!!!

The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™ said...

Real talk.

jeanette nicole* said...


That is all.

Craigjc said...

Amen. Well said and I concur.

Ms. Miko said...

I'm one of your myspace devotees:(Ms. cleanhands-don't stick your finger in my potato salad, especially when you know you didn't wash your hands after you wiped your *ass!). anywho, I like the fact that you called them choices and not mistakes which I feel is an excuse people use when they make life decisions. It's funny that I came upon this blog today after speaking woth my BFF about the same thing. She asked me if I had anyone I felt I should apologize to from my past. I said no. For me I felt like a lot of choices I made in the past are just that, the past. you can cry over spilled milk or in some cases dried up brrn goon milk. Do I feel valid in all of my life choices? Not so much, but I feel that at the time I made the decision, right or wrong, it was the right decision at the time. I made that choice. I don't feel like apologizing at this point would make things better, it would not change the previous actions, it would just be words. This convo was in relationship to the fact that someone she calls her friend did something to me that I could not forgive even if she apologize to me. I just felt like it was totally disrespectful and unfounded. I digress...great blog!

Assertive Wit said...

@ Everyone: thanks for the comments...when I wrote this I was upset at a set of circumstances that just had to be dealt with...I can honestly say, this blog was GREAT therapy. As I read everyone's comments I could feel my anger dissipating so thanks...you guys helped me not kill someone...kidding LOL

JaeSpenc said...

I absolutely LOVE This blog entry!!! So many people need to read this!

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