Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Real Bad News....

I'm writing this so that I don't snap on someone at my job...

Yesterday I got some real bad news...one of my friends died. I was JUST partying with this girl...taking pictures with her...eating dinner at her house...and now she's gone.

I don't deal with death like most people...I don't cry but I'm instantly affected. I just get real quiet and don't really want to talk....to anyone. It's nothing personal it's just that I've always looked at death as it being worse off for those who are still alive than the person who is actually gone. That's my perception of it; I don't expect you or anyone else to agree so please don't debate me on that. It's just how I see it...

Anyway, yesterday I had to go pick up my friend who is like her sister from her job because she was crying hysterically. I let the Front Desk/Office Manager know what was going on only because I had gotten in around 10:15 yesterday and then I got the call at 1:00. I just told her my friend had died and I had to go pick her sister up from work. I only let her know because since we had layoffs, I cover for her (answering the phone) when she isn't at the front. I also let my boss know and his words to me were not words of concern but this:

"Well, she's leaving at 3:30 so someone needs to answer the phone"

I added this to the growing list of why I don't like working here anymore. Your concern is about a fucking telephone and I just got news that my friend is dead. Right. Someone answering the phone is more important than a human life. Duly noted.

He also inquired if I was coming back...again, no concern for the fact that I am friendless and it isn't just some "oh, we got into it and we ain't talking right now"...no, this is on some permanent shit. And he is more concerned about me coming back to work. I walked out of job KNOWING I wasn't coming back for the day...simply off the strength that after driving a good 45 minutes to an hour to get my friend from her job and then driving another 45 minutes to an hour to take her home and THEN driving a good 30-45 minutes to get back downtown, I would be in no position to come back into the office and work. I left the office at 1:30 and didn't arrive on my doorstep until about 4:15.

Arriving home, I was going to wait for another friend to come over so that we could drive back to my friend who was crying so much her face was staying red. Only to get a text message that she had to rush her dad to ER because of something with his heart. We're both in school so we have TONS of homework to do but contending with life all at the same time...no one plans for these things to happen...they just do. So she's tired from that and not getting enough sleep and now sitting in ER hoping her dad is going to be okay. I'm tired as hell from driving, being drained about my friend dying out the clear blue, my concern for my friend who's dad is in ER (this is the second time in the last month or so), AND...all this homework that is piling up around me.

It's a bit much at times...

So today I'm sitting here and a coworker comes in my office to tell me that she is sorry for my loss.

I understand that she is just expressing her condolences but how...why...why does she know and I didn't tell her? This is the problem I have with my office...it is so small that when you tell someone something personal, they feel the need to tell someone else and before you know it, the ENTIRE office knows your business. Granted, some people will say "Oh, you should be glad someone cares". No. That's not how I deal with things. If I wanted everyone to know, I would have told anyone who would listen. I deal with my pain privately and I hate being put in positions where I have to deal with it openly. So I told her that I didn't want to discuss it but thank you and she kind of looked at me like I had hurt her feelings. Well....I don't want to talk about it. It's draining...I have client billing, payroll, W2's, 1099's, a 940, 941, and quarterly wages and tax reports to do. I have to focus and if I have to discuss this with everyone who walks in my office I WILL NEVER GET ANY WORK DONE.

I just had to write that all out before I went off on someone unnecessarily because it is a chain reaction with this office...if they know your business all it takes is for one to start asking and then they all start asking. It happened when my mother had breast cancer and I had to ask them to not share it with everyone. It's my business and I have the right to share it with whoever I want...or keep it to myself.

P.S. - and I'm getting sick...again...I have my Property Managers to thank for that since I have no insulation in my apartment.

6 points of view:

Beezy said...

First off, I'm so sorry to hear that Syn. I truly do empathize with you. It seems like when death hits close, it doesn't allow you the grace to react rationally nor the time to deal with it. I remember last year when I lost my paternal grandmother in February and my maternal grandfather in March I was a wreck because I wasn't allowed time to deal with it. In the middle of that I had mid-terms, a job, and a major internship. It was so bad because I didn't sleep and my hair fell out because I was too stressed, but somehow God carried me through it when I didn't even know how. I'll be praying for you mama. :-)

jeanette nicole* said...

I'm so sorry for yuor loss. I know how it feels to lose someone out of the blue like that. I, too, prefer for my personal business to be kept personal in the work sector. They had good intentions, but should have never discussed it publically without your permission first.

Ms_Slim said...

I am soooo sorry for your loss. I can understand this COMPLETELY. When things like this first hit, I'm in no position to keep repeating myself of the situation, etc. I'd much rather go into a box and sort through it when I am emotionally able to. In 2008, I lost two friends, both of which were in my high school graduating class and the second one to whom I was closest to (also penned my SexySlim name as well). I went into a box, didnt call anyone, didnt go to work. I changed my facebook status to RIP but other than that and talking to a close friend, I kept to myself for the better part of that entire week. I just didnt want to deal with its reality, ya know...

We all deal and grieve differently. The best thing (in my opinion) is to send condolences and allow the griever to process themselves the way they will.

Take care, Syn....

ChiChi10 said...

I'm sorry, Syn. I imagine I'd react the same way if I lost a friend. The three people that I ocnsider true friends...mayne, I'd be a complete mess.

*And you're right, or I should say, I agree with you on the fact that death is harder on us left behind.

Jay_fever said...

My condolences on the loss of your friend. Yeah death is definitely a trip. I've never had to deal with a job that didn't empathize with that situation. I've dealt with jobs that didn't care about my health, but suprisingly when I would tell them about the passing of a loved one they would crank out the vacay time like no tomorrow. Go figure...

NaturallyAlise said...

E-hugs to you lady, I too understand jobs being insensitive, my job called me to ask questions while I was in the hospital after I had almost died... no compassion. I will pray for the comfort of you and your friend's family.

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