Wednesday, January 07, 2009

I'm Just Weird Like This....

What if the whole idea behind believing you had a soul mate was to throw people off in an attempt to convince the masses that it's possible to give yourself wholly to one person?

What if there are people walking amongst everyone that wasn't meant to love one person deeply but several people at different points in their life?

I've always thought about these two things when its come to relationships. Maybe I just love differently but I've met some truly unique men in my life that could easily be termed my "soul mate". I have effected their lives to the point that no matter who they date after me, end up with, or even form an intimate alliance with, they'll still think of me.

Then I think about my commitment issues and wonder if this is contributing to my fear of settling down with one person.

In my mind sometimes I'm happier knowing that I've touched someone deeply for the time being versus being there for what seems like forever and no longer having that same effect on them. If I separate from things before it gets complacent and comfortable it makes it that much more memorable...at least to me. The more I think about it, I know this is why I am attracted to the people I'm attracted to. They'll only need me for as long as it takes to find what they are looking for.

I can't explain why my brain operates like this and I most certainly won't make excuses for it but my search or rather longing for beautiful minds haunts me because sometimes it just appears it'll be much easier to love like a normal person.

But I can't....and no matter how I try, I don't. Its something about looking at someone and seeing colors you've never seen before...hearing melodies you've never known to exist...creating moments you'll remember for a life time that only you two will fathom. And I just can't see myself doing that with one person...or imagining one person wanting to tie themselves down to doing that with just me.

I know its possible because people do it all the time...or rather enter unions under the guise that they will do this...and then end up unhappy because of the "what ifs". I know what monogamous relationships are supposed to involve but what about all the people who just aren't cut out for that kind of thing?

What are they supposed to do? Walk around feeling like something is wrong with them? I resigned a long time ago that I wasn't "normal" and I never will be. I'm a bit of a weirdo in that I'm nowhere near traditional in anything I WANT out of life and conventional thinking is only in an effort to keep from being homeless.

What is normal for me is not normal to everyone else...hence the two questions above. Its hard dealing with it everyday when you were raised to do things by the book....when all you've ever wanted to do was live and dance to the beat of your own drum. But alas, I'm getting no older and I'm running out of ways to rationalize my behavior to people who just don't understand....so as of today, I won't.

This is who I am. I might NEVER settle down and if by chance I do, I promise you it will be with a free thinker like myself....otherwise, I'd rather live life alone.

10 points of view:

The Incomparable Bozack Jenkins™ said...

It's waaaaaaaaaay too early for me to be thinking this hard.. I'ma have to give this another go from the Samsung Instinct tommorrow after a good nights sleep..

a black girl who did date said...

I always think about my grandparents and how they were married for 50 plus years. My grandfather got around but in the end he really only loved my grandmother. We are all attracted to several people and have touched different people in different ways. But in the end the person that will take care of me when I need him is the man that is truly my soul mate. Lots of people don't have the capacity to care for others more than themselves, so they never have a deep relationship; its all surface.

I don't know believe there is just one person for you because if that was the case you would only fall in love one time. But people love you different at the different stages in your life. They are only there for a season and then they move on.

Most of what i said probably makes no sense, but its early for me.

jeanette nicole* said...

Soulmate, schmoulmate! I've given up. . .well not so much given up on as stopped believing that that concept. I think mainly because in the search for The One, I've let go of some who would have probably enriched my life moreso than this alleged, forthcoming "One".

Assertive Wit said...

@ a black girl who did date: see that's my thing...I too think that there isn't just ONE person you're supposed to love and since you love people differently at different stages in your life, my belief is that you should be (if you choose to)free to love them as you choose. Difficult thing is it isn't always THAT mutual understanding so someone is BOUND to get their feelings hurt.

Beat it with that season bullshat LOL

@jeanette nicole*: LOL I think there is that One that might make you feel something others don't have the ability to make you feel but if they feel something else in regards to you, then it can't be termed "soul mate"...it's just an extraordinary experience you've had via that special individual...it's love, so who REALLY knows? We can all speculate but at the end of the day, I think people should be free to love as they see fit for themselves and love those who have the same train of thought (in regards to this subject).

msdailey said...

I don't know how much though you put into your sign, but I do believe it's definitely a characteristic of being a Sagittarius!!

Assertive Wit said...

@ msdailey: is it??? I had no idea LOL seriously, I really didn't...maybe I need to go read up on it ;)

Ms. Independent said...

You might be on to something with this theory lol.
I'm a firm believer in soul mates. But I'm still not quite sure about "sole mates". Big difference in the two in my eyes.

I agree with you in that there are some people we'll be with and it's only meant for a certain period of time and then you move on. I feel like in my last relationship he really needed someone like me at that point in his life and I needed him too. By the time "we" were over I think we were both better people and had grown in some way and much of that had to do with the things we taught each other and did for one another.

The worst part of it all is knowing when to say when. I mean it's only a temporary thing but will you be ready to let go when I'm ready? Or what if I still want to hold on but your begging for release. Have I given you all you needed? Did you give me all you had to offer at the time? To me thats what complicates things is letting go at the right time...cause no matter what it's gonna be hard.

suga said...

I don't believe in soul mates. I used to always say, what if my soul mate got hit by a car back when he was 12? Then what? I'm shit outta luck. lol

I do believe in being at the right place, at the right time, mentally and physically, to recieve the love that someone else who was at the right place at the right time, can give. Thats the closest to having a soulmate as I'm gonna get.

I also believe that people change, and their One for the moment might not know HOW to love them after they change. Doesn't mean they weren't the One...just means they were the One for a while.

I do think that some people can love only one person in a life time, while others can go thru dozens of relationships, and love each and every significant other. Everybody is different.

Kofi Bofah said...

You have concluded that you are a weirdo?

When/Why did you come to that conclusion?

Assertive Wit said...

@ Ms. Independent: I had actually written what you wrote about the letting go part but erased it because I didn't want to confuse anyone. It is a difficult thing to grasp at times. For me, at least. I'm currently in a situation where I don't see anyone that compares to him and I'm just not interested in other people right now but I met someone recently that is so mysterious that I'm instantly drawn to them...but how I feel about the current person hasn't changed AT ALL...so it's kind of difficult, especially when you try to attach some logic to it.

@ Kofi Bofah: That's my conclusion only because it is not of the norm and anything that is not of the norm is usually considered "weird" or "unnatural". I FEEL perfectly fine but most people look at this as some bullsh*t, of which they are very much entitled but then again, that's why it's MY life and not theirs, right? ;)

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