Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Decisions....Decisions....Decisions....


I've never been the type of person to just walk away from a friendship because I decided, I'm done. Out of respect for the person who I did once consider a friend and just by chance, how I currently feel about them was a product of a misunderstanding, I always felt the need to explain why I'm bowing out of the friendship gracefully....and give them an opportunity to voice how they feel about how things are going down. That is what friends do for each other...they listen, even when they don't want to.

Within the last 6 months, I have grown closer and closer to the end of the candle that says, "Bounce and don't look back". It's rude as hell for one to behave like that because as adults, you should be able to talk things out and if you can't come to a mutual agreement, you agree to disagree and maybe that will result in the friendship being disbanded. But at the end of the day, you can say that it was handled maturely. It's AWFULLY difficult to do this when you are dealing with someone who REFUSES to take responsibility for the part they played in the downfall of said friendship.

So I'm struggling with INTENTIONALLY being rude as hell and simply being like eff it, they don't care so I sure as hell don't need to.

I'm just not that person no matter how much I try to be. If I care about you, I reserve this one last time to convey that to you. Unfortunately, some people are so nasty and set on making you feel as bad as they currently feel that they say some ol' hateful shat that usually pushes me to the point of "I let you go...hoe". ("Hoe" is said in reference to men AND women...anyone can get it)

What got me to thinking about this is the list of people I was supposed to forgive before 2008 was up. It wasn't a resolution for the year of 2008; as a matter of fact, I had decided to do this somewhere near the middle of the year. I just felt it would be healthy to do. I realized that the way I was going to go about forgiving them was to contact them (i.e. email, telephone, instant message, letter, etc.) and rehash the last time we interacted, state my peace, let them reply if they felt the need, and then move on. The more I thought about the first step...rehashing why I was pissed in the first place, the more I realized, FOR THESE PEOPLE, I don't need to do this. They know what they did and they know why I don't f*ck with them anymore. No need to beat a dead, deteriorating horse. I forgive them and I forgive myself for hating them this long. Okay, some I didn't hate but I didn't care about they azz no more.

So I simply chose to let it go. Granted, if I walked past them on a street, I'm not saying hi because....that's just me. You act like we've never been friends a day in your life and I'll gladly return the favor, no sweat off my back. Eff that bullcrap about being cordial. I don't randomly speak to strangers unless they look friendly so why in the hell would I speak to yo fake ass? I wouldn't so they need not act brand new like they didn't know these were the rules of engagement when you basically...let me go.

Another situation that I've been grappling with is the Misery Mandy "friend". Everyone has their opinions about the situation and what I should do but I know her best...she's MY "friend", remember? No matter how nicely and passive I say what I have to in regards to her running her damn mouth about my business, she will take it defensively and we won't be friends in the end anyway. I tried to think of ways to handle this without going through extra efforts to be manipulative and calculating AND not involving the friend who chose to "share" information with me. It's difficult. I'd have to set her up some kind of way in conversation and risk it backfiring OR just divulge that the homie told on her ass and now what she got to say for herself.

I REALLY want to be rude and just shoot her the invisible deuces but the problem is....when you walk away from a "friendship", you risk seeing that person in public and having to deal with them and how they feel about your SUDDEN absence from their life. It's more irritating than I care to deal with so...I'm still stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This is why I pray to God to make me more selfish because if I ONLY cared about Synitta, this wouldn't be a tough call to make AT ALL. Do you think 'he'd' grant me that if I REALLY needed it? 'He'd' grant someone the will to give more...I'm just saying.

Anyway, I haven't had any coffee so maybe I'll come up with something that's in favor of both parties by the time I finish my first cup of the day...and if not, I still got the rest of the day to figure it out.

4 points of view:

a black girl who did date said...

What I have learned is that adults can sometimes be the most immature people you deal with. So you cant't deal with them in a mature manner because its a lopsided discussion.

Assertive Wit said...

for every immature story you have given me about yourself while you were GROWING UP, you've always supplied evidence that you in fact DID grow up...that's why I listen to you...even when I don't want to :) I be listening...

Number Five said...

We're going to have to talk about this over beer-I just recently went through letting a friend go (the selfish bastard!!) I'm still hurt and pissed so I'll skip on writing an extra long comment lol

suga said...

You really think walking away from a friend without hashing it out is rude, even though said friend has been acting as ass?

Welp, my name is suga and I'm rude as hell. lol Seriously, if a friend is not being a friend, I dont feel the need to go out of my way to not be "rude".

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