Wednesday, November 26, 2008

What (ELSE) Really Grinds My Gears...

....PEOPLE WHO READ TOO MUCH INTO EVERYTHING

That REALLY gets my goat more often than not because you can never have a quick conversation with them. It is damn near impossible. NOW...I am a VERY detail oriented person so from time to time I might over analyze something someone is asking me and I become guilty of this. BUT...in my own defense, I DO NOT do this ALL the time. More often than not, you can get a simple "Yes" or "No" out of me, UNLESS I feel you have a hidden agenda to the question being asked and/or I know you're trying to trick me...then I will antagonize you with my questioning back. LOL

Anyway, we're getting off what irritates me....there are some people I will sit and devise a specific question for SO I will get a SPECIFIC answer. It works and I feel victorious over getting the simple kind of answer I was looking for.  Then there are times I forget who I was talking to and it turns into a day long exchange of emails that I end up shaking my head at like, "All I asked was aint that chedda betta *sigh* I didn't think I was going to have to listen to why Wisconsin cheddar is not exactly cheddar and white cheddar, although it tastes like yellow cheddar is from a hybrid family of cheeses that are only manufactured in the Swiss Alps"...I was simply excited about my cheese on my sandwich and you killed that joy getting technical about what kind of chedda is betta.

But Usher's "Seduction" just came on and I'm having flashbacks about what TURNS my gears so I'll be back...

Dear Fonk Mobb...

Dear CoWorkers Whose Insides Smell of Putrid Garbage, 

You see that to the right? Why in the hell would I need one of these EVERY TIME I go use the bathroom at work? BECAUSE...your insides smell like 2 months old roadkill that has been left to evaporate into the atmosphere. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with your insides if my sense of smell takes a PAUSE on your fonk to focus on my nostril hair catching fire. Have you heard of colon cleanse? Apparently not but allow me to introduce you to the Master Cleanse AND a daily cleanse you can take with meals or just on good principle of wanting to keep your insides from smelling like mildew, shat, and url all mixed together. Where can you attain these products? I happen to have a PDF I can email you so that you can take 10 days out of your busy 365 and do the Master Cleanse. As for all the products, feel free to go to Sevenanda on Moreland Avenue. They have ALL the organic products you will need to maintain a healthy digestive system because there is no way in the fonky hell your digestive system is operating at full capacity.

Now, there are some of you who I don't need a gas mask for BUT you still inspire me to hold my breath and seriously want to find nose plugs so I don't SMELL OR TASTE your fonk. In case you had any doubts, YES, YOU STINK TOO.

stink Pictures, Images and Photos

What seriously baffles my mind is...we have a HUMONGOUS can of Lysol in the cabinet right next to the sanitary napkins and tampons. It never occurred to any of members of the Fonk Mobb TO USE IT? Well, that's what it is there for. For you to do the next precious soul a favor and cut that fonk down to bearable before the next person walks in. And don't look at someone else like it wasn't you. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Your natural body odor lingers so take your natural B.O. that I have grown familiar with, the food you eat, AND your old lady smelling perfume and I can pretty much go to your desk and hand you this letter for future reference. I have no desire to call you out directly so please, use the Lysol.

I have held my urine for 8 hours because of you and your smelly azz insides. I don't want to have to do this again, k? And...another thing. If you're gonna take a shat at work, have the decency to flush until ALL your shat remnants ARE GONE! I don't wanna walk in the stall to have to turn and walk out because I see some of your lunch stuck to the toilet. And last I checked, I had the biggest azz in this office so HOW are you getting shat on the toilet seat???? THIS is why I have to Lysol the toilet down, then wipe it with the Lysol wipes, THEN do power squats so my legs don't touch any part of that toilet. And who WANTS to OR has the time to do this when they've held their pee ALL morning because they are slammed with work? Most certainly not me so clean your shat up, literally.

My coffee has gone from steaming hot to lukewarm as I wrote you this memorandum so I will end this now and wish your colon the best. You most certainly need it, Stankonia.

Sincerely, 
Your Concerned CoWorker...For Your Insides

P.S. - if we happen to have Secret Santa at work this year, I'm praying I get you because this is gonna be your gift:

lysol Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm willing to invest in other people's nostril hair, on your behalf.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

What I AM Grateful For At 29...

So while I been busy feeling sorry for myself because there are things I would have liked to accomplish by now that I just haven't and doesn't look like I am going to accomplish any time soon, I made the mistake of not being grateful for the one thing that time blesses you with...good friends.

I've never been one to be moved by what others thought or think of me but I can't help but to feel some kind of way when I am CONSTANTLY hearing things like "you getting old there ain't yah? when you gonna start having kids"...which in turn makes me want to lash back with, "you are old. when are you gonna die". Some might think that's me being harsh but I don't need a daily reminder that I'm no longer a teeny bopper filled with immaturity and glee; and even though physically, I still look youthful, when I am REMINDED that I am older, it makes me FEEL old. The other classically irritating question that is asked is "when are you gonna get married"...to which I want to respond, "when are you gonna get a divorce". Yeah it's rude but then again so are you for feeling compelled to ask every woman who is over 25 these inane questions like her life aint shit if she aint got kids and is married.

The truth is, with all of the modern technology and medicine today and that will be improved upon within the years to come, I can have a healthy baby at 40...IF, I wanted to. No, I don't have to be Halle, Salma, Madonna, or Julia Roberts for this to be possible. My prior boss was 38 years old when she gave birth to her son. He was PERFECT in every way imaginable and she suffered NO difficulties getting pregnant, staying pregnant, or giving birth. Not saying that I WANT to be 38 popping one out but if I am, I'll be happier than a fat kid with cake.

As for being married, hey, if Liz Taylor can get married at various decades in her life, why can't I? I think I'm far more appealing than she is right now and will ever be from this point forward. I guess you could say, time is kind of on my side. I might be overreacting a bit but so what. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

But back to what I'm grateful for. In that picture above are three ladies that I have had the privilege of knowing for 5-8 years. They are more like sisters/family than anything. The one on the far left, boy have we been through a little of EVERYTHING together and I had the privilege of being in her wedding 6 months ago. We've experienced pretty much everything possible in our 20's...together. She is now married and has a BEAUTIFUL baby boy so when I do reach that threshold in my life, I can consult her on all the things that will concern me as I take that plunge in life. The friend directly to my right...we have grown together as well but in a different aspect. Her family became my family when I first moved to Georgia because I have no family here. The funny thing is, I was closer to her cousin when I first moved here but he got preoccupied with life and we just naturally transitioned into hanging out with one another. I have also experienced a lot of my 20's with her as well. And to the far right....she is probably one of my more unique friendships because of how we met. It was the most random of all meetings but we've pretty much been inseparable since that first time we decided to hang out. I knew what it was like moving to a new city with not that many friends, if any, to speak of so I jumped out on a limb and decided it wouldn't be so bad to pay it forward. Turns out, she became one of my better friends I've acquired over the years.

I have more friends that I am eternally grateful for but I mentioned these three because I've been feeling down and out about this age thing but when I looked at this picture today I realized, if not for anything else, I can be grateful I get to grow old with these wonderful ladies!!!

Monday, November 24, 2008

What Really Grinds My Gears...

...is when people come directly into my office and feel the need to just stand there until I get off the phone. 

First of all, I have a bench in front of my office....in case you are stupid and don't know what it's for, it's for you to sitcho impatient azz on to wait until I get off the phone. I know the employee manual states that we have an "open door policy", that "our doors are always open to any employee who needs to discuss business or personal with us" but I'ma need you to get some manners.

This is why I will close my door through out the day if I am on the phone because some employees take it upon themselves to determine whether your phone call is work related or not (read: be eavesdropping like a muthastanka). When my door is closed it is OBVIOUS I want they tardo azz to knock or wait until I look up and make eye contact, then give them the gracious head nod they so eagerly are anticipating.

When they take it upon themselves to just enter my office and just stand there like they are counting the flakes of dust flying through the air, I have to put my caller on hold to tell they ignant azz, "I'm going to be a minute"...why? BECAUSE THEY JUST DON'T GET IT. GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE UNTIL I HANG UP! So, I use my peripheral vision to see if said employee has exited my office...no, this clown is standing in the doorway, like that will rush me to get off the phone sooner. 

It really grinds my gears that I have to give someone the eye shoo because they can't get it through their thick skulls that I am busy. Still using my peripheral vision I can see this employee pacing the front of my office...now you're irritating me and I'm PURPOSELY gonna find something to do that will keep me from helping you. SITCHO AZZ DOWN ON THAT LITTLE BENCH ONE TIME! SHEESH.

Usually these kinds of employees will walk off like they have something better to do with their time...I'm grateful for when that happens but when I see them walk back to my door and I'm STILL on the phone, all my anger from the initial gear grinding comes flooding back. Why? YOU SENT ME AN EMAIL AND I DIDN'T RESPOND SO YOU'RE GONNA COME DOWNSTAIRS AND IRRITATE ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE UNTIL I TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING THAT YOU JUST WANNA UPDATE ME ON? Seriously...what you want can wait so beat it up outta here!

I know you're probably wondering what could possibly be taking me so long on the phone...well, since the powers that be made the "smart" decision to layoff the HR Manager, guess who gets her job? Yes, me. Therefore, when it is time to remove all laid off employees from the life insurance policies and health benefits, tag, I'm it. So I spent 1/2 an hour on the phone removing people, fixing the spelling of people's names, and changing all contact information over into my name.

Do you know this employee comes back????? DOING...THE...MOST!!!!
I can't and I won't do this with him today so I stopped the press on his request and said, "I am actually in the middle of something that I need to take care of right now so I'll let you know when I can help you, ok?"....to which he replies, "Oh ok, well just call me when you get a second".

MY time is NOT YOUR time so you can either call before you walk downstairs OR you can email me and see if I am available to assist you but this open door policy that employees take literal at ALL times, well it's all bad. It interrupts my work, more often than not and I feel like long-winded employees need to schedule an appointment so I can prepare myself for their incessant babbling. 

But yeah...that's what was grinding my gears today.


I'm Not Happy I'm 29

I turned 29 on Saturday and everyone else was far more excited about it than I was. 



It doesn't help that while looking at my life I realize that I have no spawn of my own but most of my friends have their mini-me's, a husband, boyfriend, etc. 

As far as success can be defined, yes, I've done pretty good for myself considering how old I am but I never doubted that making money was going to be something hard to do. It's the whole relationship thing that has me kind of looking at 29 as something I want to run from. I REALLY wish I could stop being a commitment phobe. If I wasn't such a big scaredy cat about relationships, I would DEFINITELY be married and probably on my third or fourth kid by now. While some women have no idea why certain men are attracted to them and what they are doing to KEEP attracting them, I know all too well why they are attracted to me and what I'm doing to keep THOSE kinds of men wanting to be in my presence.

I look at all the relationships I've been privy to over the years and at some point one person ends up growing tired of the complacency of their relationship. They get bored with the person they are with and begin to look at other people to arrest their attention. That has always terrified me about relationships. I don't ever want someone to grow so familiar with "us" that they admit to still loving me but needing to get their "spice" somewhere else. That thought alone has always made me feel like if I was ever in that situation, I wasn't good enough for that person. So, I always allow myself to be intertwined with people who don't have long relationships with ANYONE. So far, it has worked for me and my relationship phobia. Unfortunately, I'm getting older and it isn't comforting now that I'm almost 30 and I'm STILL looking at relationships like this.

So no, I'm not happy I'm 29. I kind of wish I was 21 still, when this commitment phobia could still be acceptable....

Friday, November 21, 2008

Ridiculousity


The things I discuss with some people are for my eyes only but there are those rare occasions where the conversation is SO utterly ridiculous that I want to share. Today is one of those days. Allow me to give you a little history on this person and I before you delve into the conversation. 

An old friend of mine had been trying to "hook me up" with this guy for YEARS...literally. We just could never get in the same place at the same time. Just so happens his birthday is a day before mine so after 4 years of trying to get us to meet, we finally end up at ESPN Zone to have drinks for our birthdays. He was so fine I started sweating profusely in my armpits. I don't get nervous around men. It just doesn't happen (with the exception of my "complexity" I am currently involved with) so I felt like I had to get to know him. Long story short, it was the most ridiculous game of cat and mouse. He finally stopped "playing" and we hung out several times. It turned into something more physical than anything and then he became distant. I don't like trying to figure things out in any kind of relationship so I returned the favor and got lost. He frequently IM's me asking to come over and I tell him that I'm doing homework (which is true) or that I'm not at home (which is ALSO true). Although I am glad they are convenient excuses. Did his fineness change? No, in fact he's actually gotten even more attractive but I have this thing about getting played...I don't like it and I will rarely if EVER give you another chance to make me feel like the fool.

So...he has moved about 7.5 minutes away from me and this is the conversation he chose to strike up last night: 

[21:25] Azzhole: my bday 2morrow
[21:26] me: I know
[21:26] me: and mine is Sat 
[21:26] me: what are you doing for yours?
[21:27] Azzhole: i dont know....what u doing? i need something to do
[21:27] me: my friends are throwing me a surprise party
[21:27] me: they don't know that I already know tho
[21:28] Azzhole: u dont invite me to nothin 
[21:28] me: I cant invite someone to a SURPRISE party
[21:28] me: I'm not even supposed to know
[21:28] me: :t
[21:28] me: you don't invite me to shit neither so shut the hell up
[21:31] Azzhole: where
[21:31] me: where yo girlfriend at? and why she aint doing something for you?
[21:31] Azzhole: where is the get together?
[21:32] me: cheesecake factory, last I checked but the friend who is throwing it is picking me up 
[21:32] me: so who knows, she could have changed it if my other friend told her I know it aint a surprise no more
[21:33] Azzhole: damn i cant even come..
[21:33] me: stop it
[21:33] Azzhole: to make it up to me we need to have a sexual experience tonight
[21:34] me: haahhhaah
[21:34] me: make it up to you...you're hella funnny
[21:34] me: and yo ass didn't answer my question
[21:35] Azzhole: she's not doing anything really....we probably go out to eat. she went half on a tv with me so i don't want her to do anything
[21:35] me: see...you got her
[21:36] me: you're a mess
[21:36] Azzhole: so whats up with the sexual encounter
[21:36] me: iono...ask yo girl
[21:36] Azzhole: but i want u
[21:36] me: I bet you do
[21:36] me: I'm not 2nd best tho
[21:37] Azzhole: 1st best
[21:38] me: shut up boy LOL
[21:38] me: yo girl is 1st best
[21:38] me: that's why she's your girl
[21:39] Azzhole: u still haven't answered my question
[21:40] me: which was about the sexual encounter?
[21:40] Azzhole: yup
[21:40] me: you already know the answer to that
[21:41] me: I can't be f*cking you while you got a girl
[21:41] Azzhole: ok then, i dont have one
[21:41] me: plus, that's all you want anyway
[21:41] me: shut up
[21:41] me: do I look like my name is Stupid to you?
[21:42] Azzhole: lol....just playin
[21:42] me: no you aint
[21:43] Azzhole: im not playing about having sex....i was playin about not having a girl friend
[21:43] Azzhole: because i still want that
[21:44] Azzhole: it could be birthday sex for us both
[21:45] me: you arent convincing at all sir
[21:45] me: aint gonna do it
[21:45] me: what's so bad about having sex with your girl for your birthday?
[21:46] Azzhole: i dont want to
[21:46] Azzhole: i know that sounds bad
[21:46] me: damn LOL
[21:47] me: what's so bad about sex with her?
[21:48] Azzhole: nothin, i just have issues. 
[21:48] me: what are your issues?
[21:49] Azzhole: we've been together for awhile and i just dont want to have sex with her as often as i use to. 
[21:50] Azzhole: its not that im not attracted to her im just getting tired i guess
[21:51] me: that really happens?
[21:51] me: I would hate for that to happen to me and my boyfriend
[21:51] me: I can't say that it ever has
[21:52] me: I don't have a boyfriend now but I been having sex with the same person for almost 2 years now and I haven't had sex with anyone but him for like a year and a half
[21:52] me: mind over matter, kid 
[21:52] Azzhole: no its not that sweetie. 
[21:52] me: and we pretty much have sex EVERYDAY
[21:52] me: what's wrong then?
[21:53] Azzhole: me and her use to have sex almost everyday 
[21:53] Azzhole: but now i just dont want to anymore
[21:54] Azzhole: once someone becomes my girlfriend and years pass i just lose interest
[21:54] me: well you should stay single
[21:55] Azzhole: she can feel on me and i will get hard but i still will not want to have sex all the time
[21:55] me: you probably make her feel so bad
[21:55] Azzhole: i do
[21:55] me: not unless she cheating on you like you cheat on her lol
[21:56] Azzhole: well if thats the case then so be it until i find out
[21:57] me: but you don't know if that's the case
[21:57] me: you monster
[21:58] Azzhole: yea yea, im trying to get my life together
[22:00] me: good
[22:01] me: so you don't need me to make things hard for you
[22:02] Azzhole: u'll make them easy
[22:03] me: no I won't
[22:03] me: I'll be a distraction at best
[22:03] me: a problem in your relationship at worst
[22:04] Azzhole: yea yea

I didn't say anything else because what more is there to say? I'm not having sex with you; you have a girlfriend; get some birthday sex from her. But I PROMISE you he will be back to IMing me within a few days to weeks asking me why I never invite him over. I don't call him or IM him BECAUSE I know that he only wants one thing from me...and he ain't getting it. 

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Being A Virgin Does Not Automatically Make You Naive About Life

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I was watching True Blood the other day and the main character is a perky blond who can hear other people's thoughts AND dates a vampire. As if that isn't enough, the show starts out with her being a virgin. Now...the assumption is that she isn't that smart...well that's the assumption of the town's people. But why isn't she that smart? Because her intelligence level is somewhere lost in the bayou? Because she's a blond and no blonde's are smart (not my stereotype, just being sarcastic)?

Nope.

Supposedly she's just young, dumb, and NAIVE because she's a virgin. The first time I heard another character reference her naivety and attribute it to her never being with a man I cringed...I'll tell you why in a minute.

After cringing, my mind immediately dug in the recesses and pulled out Wedding Crashers. What in the world does Wedding Crashers have to do with True Blood? Well, one of the characters in that was a "virgin" too. She was viewed as naive and treated kind of like a child too...only for it to be revealed that she actually was smarter than the guy who mistook her for some dimwit virgin. Again...her sexual experiences being tied to her level of intelligence.

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I thought about the Princess Bride too...she was viewed as helpless and needing to be saved by Westley. Now, I understand that the movie needed a plot but as the story unfolds, you get to see she isn't some helpless virgin princess that can't think on her own.

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So back to my irritation at True Blood...it stems more from how society views virgins. I have seen it time and time again...virgins are looked at as very naive about LIFE. Why? There is only one aspect that naivety should be applied to and that is the actual act of intercourse. But then again with all the things a "virgin" can do OTHER THAN actually have a male shaft penetrate her love box, can we really say someone is naive because they are a virgin? No.

Does this cancel out anything they have to say about life, love, and relationships? Hell and no. Sookie (the main character on True Blood) has the most sense of anyone on the damn show and she's the virgin. As far as relationships go, she was pretty smart about those too. Think about yourself (if you've had sex)...you might be a pro with getting it IN but how many BAD decisions do you make in life when it comes to love, SEX and relationships? Now compare those with a mature adult virgin. I guarantee you your stats versus theirs puts YOU to shame, not them. Personally, I think people who press pause on getting their lights banged out are to be commended. For one, you have one less worry in the world...life without sex once you've had it is tantamount to holding a steak in front of a lion and he hasn't eaten in a week...he's either gonna go crazy TRYING to get that meat OR get the strength of a thousand lions, kill you for playing with his meat, and then go crazy trying to find some more.

lion attack Pictures, Images and Photos

Ok, a little dramatic but that's how it feels when you go without that delectable delight at times. So if someone chooses to not graze those pastures, they can't miss what they never had, therefore in my mind, they are better off.

But back to people associating the state of being naive with virgins...I want people to stop. Being a virgin does not and should not translate to "She/He is stupid". He? Yes...you seen 40-Year-Old Virgin. His friends treated him like he was a damn idiot (ok, he was a little yellow bus like) and he really wasn't all that bad. He led a modest and content life.

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You notice what happens to people once they start having sex? They start thinking about HOW the opposite sex views them so they will change how they dress, act, walk, talk, hell, they'll change just about anything to get that GOODNESS. But the chances of an older virgin changing their life to retain some sex...unlikely. They are who they are and whoever is fortunate enough to get that marinated meat has already decided to love them as they are...or at least pretend they have long enough to get the sticky icky.

So naive and virgin should only be applied to maybe younger folks and it should only apply when speaking of sexually penetrating experiences, NOT their overall intelligence...but at the same time, virgins today are FAR MORE experienced than I was when I was a virgin. I didn't watch no porn or look at dirty magazines...hell, I never really let anyone touch on Minx until I decided I was gonna give up my rights to Good Girl status.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I Have No Idea What To Call This....


Last night as I was walking home from work, I thought about my life and where it is headed. It isn't a particularly bad place to go towards either. I walked through the downtown city streets of Atlanta thinking about life and wondering where I would be a year from now.

A few weeks ago, I was driving to work and to the right of me was a lane filled with cars all the way from my house up to the interstate...you know, morning traffic. The lane I was in? Smooth sailing! No cars to speak of so I'm sailing along and I see a car from oncoming traffic prepare to turn out of the left lane. The driver sees me and stops. As I approach the intersection, the driver throws all caution to the wind and proceeds to turn left, FULLY KNOWING I am coming AND that there is nowhere for them to turn because there are cars blocking the street they need to make a left on. As I slam on the brakes and realize I am about to be in a pretty bad car accident because of this moron, I saw bits and pieces of things I should have said to the people I love the most. But they flashed so fast and the accident happened so quickly, I didn't get a chance to see who I was supposed to be saying what to. All day I had the jitters and the following morning I had THE worst pain ever in my back.

Back to yesterday and that walk home...I arrive home and have this insatiable urge for a burrito. Since Chipotle is directly across the street, I change my clothes into something warmer and walk across the street to order a fajita steak burrito. I've been waiting all day for this and I'm happier than a pig in mud. I pay for my food and proceed to go walk home to enjoy my delicious burrito on my couch as I finish catching up on True Blood.

I believe in using the crosswalk as well as waiting for the lights that permit you to walk. So I'm standing on the corner at the red light waiting on it to change and looking at Atlanta...some days I hate it because it just isn't California and then nights like this, when the city is alive with movement, I bask in Atlanta's hustle and bustle. The light turns green and I step off the curb. I see a truck on the opposite side of the street sitting and then for no apparent reason other than him just realizing that the light was green, he takes off and comes straight towards me. I yell out as I realize...I have nowhere to go. Behind me is an Infiniti that has stopped in horror because she sees this man about to hit me with his truck and in front of me is the jackass on his phone not paying attention to me in the crosswalk. 

I froze with fear and also that stupid flash of life hit me at the same time. Except this time, I saw the people's faces clearly so that I knew, right then, what I was supposed to be saying to them. Now is not the time when my reflexes are supposed to be working but my body was literally terrified because I felt INSTANTLY like it was all coming to an end. And that is when the Infiniti blared her horn...the guy, still on the phone, swerves, almost hitting the lady in the Infiniti.  I stood still in the street for a few seconds because my legs felt like jelly and I thought that if I took a step, I would surely just fall over and then...someone would run my ass over. As the cold wind slapped me in the face, I realized traffic was waiting for me to move so I willed my lead filled appendages to go as I walked back to my apartment.


It was then that I realized...no matter how many close calls I have had with Senor Muerte, I MUST be being kept alive because I have yet to accomplish something that is directly connected to my purpose for living. Unfortunately, I know that was not the last close call I'll be receiving. Since I was a kid, I've had a few experiences that should have resulted in a little casket or some ashes being spread in Yosemite somewhere. But alas, I know who I need to keep close to me, who is dead weight, and that my purpose is VERY important if the need for me to be alive is this strong...this might be too much metaphysical mumbo jumbo to digest with your coffee but it was on my mind.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Who I Am...

At my age (as of November 17, 2008, I'm 28) you would think it okay to assume that people know who they are, right? I always thought so but then again there would be no need for the dreaded quarter life crisis...well, I'm about 5 days shy of being a year away from the life altering:

30

When I was much younger, I found it effortlessly easy to suppress things about myself around people who I knew didn't mean that much and would not go on to hold a significant place in my life. Years of expression to those who were supposed to matter though, well sometimes I feel like it didn't add up to much there either. All they've ever done was tell me that they think I'm a strong person when inside...I felt like I was crumbling to pieces.

You know how some people get tired of caring? Well I've grown tired of NOT caring, as well as, convincing myself that it really doesn't matter when IT really does. Granted, this bruised and battered heart of mine stopped taking self-inflicted blows within the last few years of growing into what I feel is a better person...only to get heart wrenching pain from someone else. THIS is the VERY REAL pain I was attempting to avoid by years of only giving so much of myself emotionally to others.

I have purposely left myself in the line of fire because what I am feeling as of late is an experience I have NO familiarity with...and I'm not done feeling it out. I have always had a heart that was much bigger than I knew what to do with so I decided if I was discriminatory about who got a piece of it, I'd be okay. All that did was teach me how to give just enough love to get by. Lately, I've gotten this undeniable feeling that my heart was made huge for a reason...it's a part of who I am and unfortunately for me, I have to share in order to become the complete person I need to be.

So my simply complex  life journey has been one of uphill battles in life and love but as I near the corner of 29, peeking towards 30, I intend to give it my all at who I've grown to become. As soon as I finish this coffee :)

Friday, November 14, 2008

Facebook Resurrects the Dead

I fought with myself for years about creating a Facebook page because I personally didn't see any difference between that website and what has become (at times) the dreaded MySpazzOut (MySpace).

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My first knowledge of Facebook was when you pretty much had to be a student with an email address to your school; and it appeared to be more of a networking site for college students. Now...it has become a place for ALL to gather and pretty much do the same shat they were doing on MySpizzle (MySpace).

Although, a lot more people of notable mention (in my mind) have found me on Facebook than on MySpace. A lot of people from high school contacted me on MySpace initially but Facebook...seriously, I got people sending me messages and friend requests that I haven't seen in darn near 20 years. Makes me sound old as the Dickens but it made me have to check their ages and yes, it has been 20 years or VERY close to it.

It is really like these people have come back from the dead and I'm being allowed a first class seat into their life. All perceived notions about who they were at 15/16/17...GONE. These people are now 34/35/36...have husbands, children, and extraordinary lives. It's funny when the last thing I can remember about them was their teen spirit and now some of them have their own teens spirit to deal with. And while they aren't THAT much older than me, I look at my life and wonder..."What crosses their mind when all they can remember was when I was 8/9/10 years old?"

Let me tell you...I'm SO far removed from who I was at that age that you'd even be shocked if I held up who I was then versus who I am now. Some might read that and say, "Well, no one is who they were at 8/9/10" and you'd be right in that statement but you can pretty much look at who people were as kids and assume who they might become as adults...not unless their lives took some drastic turn...for the better or worst.

Now...the flip side to Facebook being more like MySpace than I care to acknowledge at this point is that, naturally, some people from MySpace have migrated over to Facebook, much like myself. Facebook is a little more REAL, in my opinion, so there are some things you get to see about people that they will not willingly reveal on MySpace. For instance...you get to see REAL NAMES; not monikers or alter egos of people. I don't have my real name as my handle on MySpace...simply because I write a lot over there and if by chance someone at work wants to snoop into my life over there, I don't care to have to explain my uncensored musings to them.

It was my intention to not add anyone on Facebook who did not use their real name. Unfortunately I've let a few people slip through the cracks because I actually like them LOL but that is my filtering system, as of right now. I prefer to keep the crazies at bay and this is my way of doing so.

Facebook is becoming a nice little social experience that I will put to use far more once I start traveling again. All these people I haven't seen in ages...it will be fun getting reacquainted with them now that we are both adults and have more in common with life.

As for everyone else...I'm still trying to decide if they are worth the social experience of Facebook (insert laugh here because that was a joke). I am now going to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my work day as I finish my StarCrack (Starbucks).

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Dumbing Down & Having to Explain

Precursor: This blog will be filled with sarcasm; if you are not in the frame of mind to deal with that today, stop reading now. If you have no problem reading something that will make you smirk and snicker, have at it...

There are two guys that I am very entertained by...with their writing (get your head out the gutter). They have a way with words that can only be appreciated most by those who love words and wit just as much as them. Metaphorically, I feel they far surpass my skills at conveying the unsaid to those who need to hear it the most without saying "(insert name), I'm talking to you dumb azz". They are two of few who forced my eyeballs to register on poetry when my mind normally develops ADD at the sight of poems in a blog. Like I said...they entertain me. 

There was something that I noticed though...from time to time, they'd insert a few words to let the audience know, yes, I'm being sarcastic, yes, I am joking, or in case that flew over your head this is what it means. I'd read their writing and sometimes wonder to myself..."are their more witty readers wondering why they are explaining these things or why people just don't ask if they don't understand"...but I had an epiphany last night...and it was this:

If you read and self-apply, you might VERY WELL miss the point. Everything that someone writes IS NOT (contrary to how much you feel IT speaks to you) directed to you, about you, or for you to attach some personal meaning to. Sometimes people are just writing about what's in their head, NOT YOURS. Life sometimes causes others to have similar experiences but unless it is clearly outlined that they had the same experience as you, never assume that they did.

But this is why some writers dumb it down and/or remove a tad of their sarcasm to tell the audience, yes, I was joking and/or being sarcastic.

I formed a readership based on HOW I write and MOST people, if not all writers, do. Everyone is not going to like what I write about or how I view things. That is 100% fine...it still urks me a tad when there is obvious sarcasm inserted and someone takes it and turns it into "Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling sad and I hope things brighten up for you". I was being sarcastic; stop being dramatical. (that was sarcasm BUT truth there) See how that just takes away the flow of things?

But alas...I notice there is a need for it. So sue me if I want to have a humorous blog at my own expense...please don't come in being the gleaming light of truth you THINK I need. I don't need it; otherwise I would have asked. If I'm writing a serious blog, I expect the tone to be respected so jokes that take away from the point of my blog....jump in a river and drown before you do that, please and thank you. Realize when questions are rhetorical; they usually have a tinge of sarcasm to them. Rhetorical questions are not there for you to answer and give some philosophical answer to. They are there to serve a purpose...most of the time, just to make you think and/or laugh. Seriously, read a blog and if you see this: "Are you serious?" ask yourself, should I be answering that. More than likely not...so don't, k?

Get it? Got it? Good.

Point is, I wish I didn't have to but I see there is a need for it so I will join the ranks of those who do explaining of their blogatry. Joking, but not really.

If you'd care to be entertained by the two gentlemen who pretzel their words creatively so, have a look see at their blogs; I started reading them on MySpace so their material on blogspot isn't necessarily the same but their writing is:

www.deathofagenius.com

www.misterjolla.blogspot.com

P.S. - This was not intended to spark someones thinking to write the comment that "well, if you don't want people to say anything you shouldn't write or post". How bout you shut the hell up and realize that you don't have to comment on EVERYTHING you read, ESPECIALLY if you don't agree with it. If all you do is live for the moment to cleverly disagree with someone else and that's ALL you seem to do when you comment, do everyone a favor from time to time...KEEP IT TO YOURSELF...spreader of gloom and "well, you should do this...". NO ONE wants to hear that ALL the time.

Today is a good day, despite the rain...don't destroy it with your misery, please and thank you, whoever you are.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Eternal Optimist

Believe while others .. 
By William Arthur Ward
 
Believe while others are doubting.
Plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping.
Decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming.
Begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing.
Save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking.
Smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing.
Persist while others are quitting.

I am a very realistic person, sometimes to the point of being misinterpreted as being cynical. I'm usually referred to as such when a topic arises that people would rather have a one-sided view on and hey, you are definitely allowed to look at things as skewed as you wish; I prefer to look at all things involved...that would be a realistic approach to things, right? That's what I was taught, grew to learn and now will always believe.

But underneath all this realistic thinking, I was sincerely born an eternal optimist...a big reason I posted the poem above.


 

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