"If my manager insults me again, I will be assaulting him"
My "manager" also happens to be one of the owners of the company so I take his randomness with a grain of salt...always. The more random idiocy he throws my way, the more I want to thank HIM. He keeps my hopes and dreams alive....that I will be able to blow this popsicle stand REAL soon because working with him works me nerves JUST that much.
"So I quit, yall welcome"
The conversation my "manager" decides to have with me yesterday was enough of a push to get my show on the road. It wasn't so much his asinine conversation...but more so the thought of sitting here for years having to listen to this kind of ramblage when I'd rather be somewhere writing...and getting paid for it.
"Can you spot a crackhead?"
Yes, that is how the conversation started and I guess the look creeping across my face prompted him to explain himself.
"I was wondering because I have crackdar; you know, crack radar"
All the while I'm thinking in my head, yes, I can spot a crackhead. I grew up in an urban area but that's besides the point. Why in the blue blazes are you asking me this??? I guess the look on my face made him feel the need to get embarrassed.
"I mean, I didn't ask you that because I think you're supposed to know or anything. Did you think I asked you that because...I hope not!"
You already know where that was going and while I would have EVERY right to be slightly offended that he would even think I would think that, I let it go. I'm getting over my sinuses doing the fool on me....I barely have the energy to listen to anything anyone is saying at this point.
"Well what I was asking for is because...."
He goes on to talk about a tenant in our building who APPEARS to be on "crack". I interrupt at this point because this is too much. (NOTE: said tenant is...Black/African American) Again, I could CLAIM he's offending me but he really isn't because I really don't care if he thinks this woman is a crackhead. In all honesty, she does behave as though she's on that "sh*t". So I tell him:
"Well, I wouldn't say crack but she definitely fidgets a lot...blinks excessively...and sometimes looks like death warmed over with a side of Whitney Houston".
I should have just played the dumb role because this opened a portal for him to divulge his college years to me and how he tried Speed/Meth because he was trying to stay up. Turns out, his roommate in college was a Chemist and used to make the shat in their dorm room. He tried it one time, saw a bear outside his window and vowed never to do a chemical ever again. Me, being the ever nonchalant azz asked:
"Was it a real bear?"
He looked at me confused and said:
"No. It was a hallucination."
To which I replied:
I was laughing on the inside. Of course you didn't see a REAL bear. You went to school at Georgia Tech. C'mon....but here is where it got REAL interesting. The Office Manager decides to chime in and volunteer that she too has tried something. I can't quite remember what she said but he goes on to say:
"I know some people don't think marijuana is a drug and I know this might sound hypocritical of me but if I EVER find out anyone here is doing drugs, they are getting fired immediately. We don't need that kind of brain damage. So if you're doing drugs, don't tell me. Seriously, you can't do drugs because look at the position you hold."
Now...I'm getting a bit offended. I'm 29. I don't need to be having this conversation with you. I'm an adult, stop talking to me like you are doing your civic duty to keep me off drugs. So I reply with a straight face:
"IF I was doing drugs, why would I tell you anyway? I know what position I have and you are right, it wouldn't be very wise for me to adopt any bad habits with the job I have to do."
Funny thing is, there was a guy who used to have my position who got arrested for possession. I believe he was on a road trip and got pulled over and had his personal stash on him. Ask me, PLEASE ASK ME, if he got fired. Nope. My "manager" was the person who told me this information but now he's gonna say if he finds I'm doing anything, EVEN MARIJUANA, he's gonna fire me. Right.
"Cuz nothings there, nothings fair"
He finds ways to bring up drugs to me and I'm convinced I know why. I have a friend who drops me off and picks me up from work quite frequently. Now, I can't tell that man what to do in his car, ESPECIALLY when I'm not in there, but as a result of IT, sometimes the smell lingers and it clings to my coats. I'm POSITIVE my boss has smelled it before and BELIEVES I'm on "drugs". Damn idiot. In said friends defense, he doesn't light one up when I'm in the car. He has no desire to get me fired.
Seriously, it isn't that big of a deal because 1) IF I got the bright idea to develop a favorite pastime, it sure as hell wouldn't be during work hours or in the morning before I come to work...I'm smarter than that and 2) my spaceship is a LOT closer than ANYONE realizes so I'll be chucking these wankers the deuces in a few...
"I'm just waitin on my spaceship..."
(all quotations in purple are Kanye West, "Spaceship")