Monday, November 17, 2008

Who I Am...

At my age (as of November 17, 2008, I'm 28) you would think it okay to assume that people know who they are, right? I always thought so but then again there would be no need for the dreaded quarter life crisis...well, I'm about 5 days shy of being a year away from the life altering:

30

When I was much younger, I found it effortlessly easy to suppress things about myself around people who I knew didn't mean that much and would not go on to hold a significant place in my life. Years of expression to those who were supposed to matter though, well sometimes I feel like it didn't add up to much there either. All they've ever done was tell me that they think I'm a strong person when inside...I felt like I was crumbling to pieces.

You know how some people get tired of caring? Well I've grown tired of NOT caring, as well as, convincing myself that it really doesn't matter when IT really does. Granted, this bruised and battered heart of mine stopped taking self-inflicted blows within the last few years of growing into what I feel is a better person...only to get heart wrenching pain from someone else. THIS is the VERY REAL pain I was attempting to avoid by years of only giving so much of myself emotionally to others.

I have purposely left myself in the line of fire because what I am feeling as of late is an experience I have NO familiarity with...and I'm not done feeling it out. I have always had a heart that was much bigger than I knew what to do with so I decided if I was discriminatory about who got a piece of it, I'd be okay. All that did was teach me how to give just enough love to get by. Lately, I've gotten this undeniable feeling that my heart was made huge for a reason...it's a part of who I am and unfortunately for me, I have to share in order to become the complete person I need to be.

So my simply complex  life journey has been one of uphill battles in life and love but as I near the corner of 29, peeking towards 30, I intend to give it my all at who I've grown to become. As soon as I finish this coffee :)

5 points of view:

Mr. Smart Guy said...

That's deep, Synny... hope I'm as profound as you when I get your age...

Assertive Wit said...

sarcasm will get you dead in the river...keep playing boy! LOL

NaturallyAlise said...

I am 6 months away from 30, even though I have been hurt in some pretty terrible ways, I still have an open heart, because everytime I close it I feel like I am not being my authentic self, and that hurts worse in the long term than what anyone could ever so to me.... But this comes from years of growth, self discovery, and learning to discard the ill will and resentment I have through self expression (writing & performing).... ok I am rambling now, don't mind me.. :)

Assertive Wit said...

@ Naturally Alise: I respond to my blog comments randomly and you'll read my approval of your ramblage in another blog but never apologize for it LOL it's okay because you're on topic and I don't have to connect any dots as to what you are talking about...I like your comments :)

suga said...

"Lately, I've gotten this undeniable feeling that my heart was made huge for a reason...it's a part of who I am and unfortunately for me, I have to share in order to become the complete person I need to be."

I like that revelation!

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