Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm Not Happy I'm 29

I turned 29 on Saturday and everyone else was far more excited about it than I was. 

It doesn't help that while looking at my life I realize that I have no spawn of my own but most of my friends have their mini-me's, a husband, boyfriend, etc. 

As far as success can be defined, yes, I've done pretty good for myself considering how old I am but I never doubted that making money was going to be something hard to do. It's the whole relationship thing that has me kind of looking at 29 as something I want to run from. I REALLY wish I could stop being a commitment phobe. If I wasn't such a big scaredy cat about relationships, I would DEFINITELY be married and probably on my third or fourth kid by now. While some women have no idea why certain men are attracted to them and what they are doing to KEEP attracting them, I know all too well why they are attracted to me and what I'm doing to keep THOSE kinds of men wanting to be in my presence.

I look at all the relationships I've been privy to over the years and at some point one person ends up growing tired of the complacency of their relationship. They get bored with the person they are with and begin to look at other people to arrest their attention. That has always terrified me about relationships. I don't ever want someone to grow so familiar with "us" that they admit to still loving me but needing to get their "spice" somewhere else. That thought alone has always made me feel like if I was ever in that situation, I wasn't good enough for that person. So, I always allow myself to be intertwined with people who don't have long relationships with ANYONE. So far, it has worked for me and my relationship phobia. Unfortunately, I'm getting older and it isn't comforting now that I'm almost 30 and I'm STILL looking at relationships like this.

So no, I'm not happy I'm 29. I kind of wish I was 21 still, when this commitment phobia could still be acceptable....

7 points of view:

a black girl who did date said...

Think about what you have learned since 21 and know that you don't want to be that young girl ever again. Look at life as worth living and be grateful for the 29 years that you have been on this earth. You are the only person defining what 29 is.....make it good!!!!

Assertive Wit said...

I know, I know. Shut up LOL

8thlight said...

You fear relationships because you think someone will get tired of you, and to combat that you only deal with people who you know will get tired of you? Am I reading that right?

I'm seeing more and more women who are commitment-phobes.

I ain't ever finding a wife!

*slams head into keyboard out of frustration*

Assertive Wit said...

Yes, I fear relationships because of what you said but NO I don't combat it with people I know will get tired of me. I said I usually date guys who don't stay in relationships long...they too have commitment issues and we don't seperate because they get tired of me LOL we usually end up seperating before it even gets to that point. Basically, they are usually emotionally damaged goods so they can't really be in any kind of relationship for long. Doesn't mean they don't like me and want to continue to see's usually the opposite but I end up knowing that we won't work because of something that is fundamentally wrong with them so THEN it ends.

Please note though...I don't go out looking for these types of men...I seem to attract them. I think my liberal attitude towards dating draws them to me but the closer we get I begin to realize that they really aren't realtionship material.

Maybe I should stop having a liberal attitude towards dating LOL

8thlight said...

Well if they have commitment issues isn't it usually because they get tired of who they are with? I hope that's not a dumb question. I don't know. I'm trying to get INTO a relationship. lol

What do you mean by liberal dating? You'll date anyone? :)

Assertive Wit said...

no; people have commitment issues for various reasons; like I said, they were never tired of me, we split for other reasons.

Liberal dating meaning, I am not bound by the traditionals rules/regs of dating; I go with what feels right between myself and that person. I date whoever works well with me, regardless of what other people might think of them or how they operate.

suga said...

I kinda wish I was right back at 23 right about now. I guess because I'm gearing up to put my dating shoes on. I have no desire to really settle down or commit to one person. I just wanna date, date, date. And I feel like something is wrong with wanting that at 27 years old. I should want a marriage or some shit like that...right? lol

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