Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Dear Fonk Mobb...

Dear CoWorkers Whose Insides Smell of Putrid Garbage, 

You see that to the right? Why in the hell would I need one of these EVERY TIME I go use the bathroom at work? BECAUSE...your insides smell like 2 months old roadkill that has been left to evaporate into the atmosphere. Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with your insides if my sense of smell takes a PAUSE on your fonk to focus on my nostril hair catching fire. Have you heard of colon cleanse? Apparently not but allow me to introduce you to the Master Cleanse AND a daily cleanse you can take with meals or just on good principle of wanting to keep your insides from smelling like mildew, shat, and url all mixed together. Where can you attain these products? I happen to have a PDF I can email you so that you can take 10 days out of your busy 365 and do the Master Cleanse. As for all the products, feel free to go to Sevenanda on Moreland Avenue. They have ALL the organic products you will need to maintain a healthy digestive system because there is no way in the fonky hell your digestive system is operating at full capacity.

Now, there are some of you who I don't need a gas mask for BUT you still inspire me to hold my breath and seriously want to find nose plugs so I don't SMELL OR TASTE your fonk. In case you had any doubts, YES, YOU STINK TOO.

stink Pictures, Images and Photos

What seriously baffles my mind is...we have a HUMONGOUS can of Lysol in the cabinet right next to the sanitary napkins and tampons. It never occurred to any of members of the Fonk Mobb TO USE IT? Well, that's what it is there for. For you to do the next precious soul a favor and cut that fonk down to bearable before the next person walks in. And don't look at someone else like it wasn't you. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Your natural body odor lingers so take your natural B.O. that I have grown familiar with, the food you eat, AND your old lady smelling perfume and I can pretty much go to your desk and hand you this letter for future reference. I have no desire to call you out directly so please, use the Lysol.

I have held my urine for 8 hours because of you and your smelly azz insides. I don't want to have to do this again, k? And...another thing. If you're gonna take a shat at work, have the decency to flush until ALL your shat remnants ARE GONE! I don't wanna walk in the stall to have to turn and walk out because I see some of your lunch stuck to the toilet. And last I checked, I had the biggest azz in this office so HOW are you getting shat on the toilet seat???? THIS is why I have to Lysol the toilet down, then wipe it with the Lysol wipes, THEN do power squats so my legs don't touch any part of that toilet. And who WANTS to OR has the time to do this when they've held their pee ALL morning because they are slammed with work? Most certainly not me so clean your shat up, literally.

My coffee has gone from steaming hot to lukewarm as I wrote you this memorandum so I will end this now and wish your colon the best. You most certainly need it, Stankonia.

Your Concerned CoWorker...For Your Insides

P.S. - if we happen to have Secret Santa at work this year, I'm praying I get you because this is gonna be your gift:

lysol Pictures, Images and Photos

I'm willing to invest in other people's nostril hair, on your behalf.

6 points of view:

Diamond~Star said...

Dayum...Not a great way to start the morning. They definitely need a master cleanse. Matter of fact, they just need to drink water on a constant and daily basis to flush their insides.

I hope the rest of your day gets better.

AssertiveWit said...

girl, my day has not been disrupted by these funkinazz nose on the other hand might feel differently LOL

jeanette nicole* said...

Seeee, this is why I don't do that sort of business at work. I'm totally self conscious that my funk will make someone go on a rant like this! It's not nearly on the level that you described here, but still. LOL

Also, I am laughing so hard at the Secret Santa gift that my Senior came over and asked what was so funny. Clearly I had to make something up.

Number Five said...

Ah, and this is why I refuse to go into a public restroom without holding my nose! That doesn't save me from the abuse in my office though. It's just my boss and I, he's 75 and healthy as hell....he just loves his damn roughage. I do not love his roughage. He's always farting!! To top it off, he's arrogant as hell, so I'm convinced he doesn't think his farts stink. He's always calling me into his office right after he farts. I'll usually hold my nose and he'll go 'do you have a cold or something?' No ninja! You stink!!!! LOL

Ms_Slim said...

Ugh Syn. Shat on the seat? For realie real?

Lord help her seriously. I havent seen anything like that since like elementary school. How is that even freakin possible at our age? EW, man!

This letter was O.C. You seriously need to send it to this person too. Wow...

Brilliance Is A Habit (c) Unknown said...

Gross. LMAO! I can't even take a dump at work. I'd be embarrassed if I blew up the bathroom.

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