Monday, October 06, 2008

Forgiving You and Me

When I was younger, I never quite understood the purpose of forgiving yourself when you forgive someone else. It never made sense to me ESPECIALLY if you had done nothing to warrant some sideways behavior from someone. I understood the reasoning behind forgiving someone else for wronging you but it wasn't until recently that I understood the part about forgiving yourself. 

You might interpret it differently than myself but what I now understand "forgiving myself" to be is forgiving myself for not moving on and away from whatever anger and/or hurt the other person has caused to well up inside me. Being angry or hurt with someone allows other feelings to manifest themselves. There were about five or six people that I was livid with...a couple of those people I had developed feelings of indifference towards. I decided on indifference because it was worst than liking or disliking them; either way, I wasn't forgiving them or myself for feeling that way towards them.

I woke up one day and realized that no matter how much good I did in the course of one day, week, month, or year, if I didn't get over whatever I was feeling towards those people, I was doing myself more harm than necessary and also blocking whatever positivity was residing behind my feelings I couldn't get past. I won't be a fool and say that it is easy to get past being slighted, especially when it is someone who is your blood relative or VERY close to it. Amongst that handful of people I was giving the side eye indefinitely was a guy that I truly and honestly believe was/is a good match for me as a person.

What insights my fury in regards to him is that he took advantage of a situation that was blissfully perfect. At least it was to me and according to his pathological lying azz, it was something he now knows he effed up beyond repair. We were compatible beyond belief....and then he had to show his azz. Can I forgive him? Of course. Will I? Sure. Have I? Nope. Not yet, but I plan to.

You see, my plan is by 01/01/09, I will have forgiven and moved past my ill feelings for those six people. I have already erased two people from my list and currently working on the last four. Of those four, I can contact pretty much all of them by the telephone...except for one. I have email addresses for all of them so I really have no excuse. My plan is the minute I hit SEND, I will woo-sah and write off the entire situation as a thing of the past. This is VERY MUCH so easier said than done. Since I only have two months and some change to get this accomplished, I figured I'd stop wasting time and get two more people out of the way before November is over.

This isn't for them so much as it is for me. I want to honestly be able to say "No" when someone asks me if I have any enemies because as it stands, I view all 5/6 of those people as enemies as of 10/06/08. They might not view me as such but honestly, if an 18-wheeler were careening out of control down the street, I really wouldn't feel bad for not pushing them out the way. Yes, I don't really care for them right now. I know that isn't very nice AT ALL but I'm being honest here...I know that's wrong so I'm seeking to correct it. I want to at least be at a point where I at least feel the need to yell out that they are about to see their demise if they don't move out the way. That was a joke but you get my point. I no longer want to harbor bad feelings towards these individuals and it is obvious that they don't care whether I do or not so I have to do what I should have done a long time ago....get over it. 

I must forgive them and myself and move on and away from what started the conflict in the first place. Consider this a work in progress until 12/31/08 11:59:59. I will now finish my coffee in silence....

2 points of view:

Bre said...

PREACH! I needed to hear that because I've been dealing with some bitterness of my own towards one person. It's not an easy process, but the fact you understand that it is a process shows growth already.

ChiChi said...

I basically need to add nothing to this. You broke it down. I hate having ill will towards people even when they are idiots in the first place.

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