Friday, April 25, 2008

...Loving You

I hate myself for loving someone who doesn’t love me. I don’t know what’s worse…knowing that he used to love you or knowing that he doesn’t love you anymore. Either way, it hurts like hell. I always thought the worse feeling in the world was having your finger almost cut off but I see that there is a pain that is indescribable. There is no Band-Aid to protect us …no gauze to soak up the bad feelings…no sutures or stitches to hold us together…this is terminal and well on its way to an everlasting death. I hate myself for still thinking that you are a good person even though you’ve been less than exemplary in that department with me. I think to myself that you are having a “greener grass” moment but the person I know has moved on and won’t be turning around because that’s just how you are. I hate myself for not wanting to let go because I feel like I deserve an explanation at the very least. I hate myself for knowing that it’s over but thinking the scenario over and over through my head as if that would stop the inevitable from taking place. I hate myself for having all this free time on my hands and having nothing to do but think about you. I hate myself for hating myself when I didn’t do anything wrong….

In the end though, I won’t hate myself for knowing that you have confrontation issues…I’ll love myself for not calling you when I felt like I could talk you into telling me what the problem was/is…I’ll love myself for not texting you when you cross my mind…I’ll love myself for finally changing my itinerary on the ticket that I bought to come see you that is just sitting in Limbo waiting for me to use…I’ll love myself for knowing that I deserve better…I’ll love myself for filling my void with something more meaningful than a needy human being…I’ll love myself for turning this “straw” into “ gold”…

So as I sit here hating myself for loving you, I love the person I am going to become for getting over loving you.

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