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Monday, June 08, 2015

Writing Prompts by Yours Truly


There are things that I do everyday but a lot of them weren’t restricted to a specific block of time. This becomes quite a headache when something ends up taking more time than I planned for or some monkey wrenches come flying out of nowhere. In an effort to introduce some more consistency into my life, I’m committing to a stricter routine. Plus the kiddo starts Kindergarten in a couple of months and she needs a better example of what a daily routine resembles since she’ll HAVE to be on one at school. 
One of the areas I needed more consistency was my writing. I write everyday before I get on any social networks but I don’t commit to posting anything. Sometimes I feel like releasing it into cyberspace, other days I’d rather not. My posts are truly random. My old routine was blog daily with my morning cup of coffee, before or after lunch, and post something in the evening. I’ve started several scripts that need rewrites and/or to be completed. There was a time where I worked on my scripts at least 4 hours a day. It enabled me to complete them in about 3-6 months. 
Some of my past needs to be brought into my future because the truth is, all of this worked and put me in several positions to advance with my writing. I moved away from a lot of this when I had my daughter because I made her schedule more important. I’ve reached a point of acceptance that both of our routines are important and they can exist together. 
As part of this personal consistency movement, I’m committing to posting publicly at least once a day under the specific headings:
*Music Monday 
(will highlight artists/songs that I’ve been listening to excessively or that I just think are dope)

*TMI Tuesday
(sharing is caring and sometimes it involves “oversharing”)

*What I Like Wednesday
(it’s so easy to talk about all the things I hate but it’s healthier to discuss what I like, so it’ll be here)

*Theatrical Thursday
(in an effort to not let negativity take over my entire week, I’m saving all my bitching/complaining/venting for this day. I figure if I don’t remember what I’m upset about by Thursday, it wasn’t really all that important)

*Fantastic Friday
(shit I find amazing, I’m going to share. it’ll be What I Like Wednesday on steroids)

*Sexual Saturday
(my friends and I talk about sex about as much as the stereotypical male thinks about it. this will be a judgment free zone so anything goes)

*Social Sunday
(I’ve been a connector of people since I was a kid and the internet whittles the degrees of separation down to one person in a lot of cases so I figure I’d put this skill to use. whether they’re my friend, fellow writer, entrepreneur, artist, or just cool as shit, you’ll get a chance to meet someone whose presence has caught my eye AND I’ll list why)

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Being Pregnant is not Being Fat

Part of being kind to ourselves, is watching the things we say about ourselves.

The word “fat” is thrown around so carelessly by some who are nowhere near the definition of such. When I hear, “I’m so fat”, I immediately want to ask people if they FEEL overweight because the following doesn’t automatically make anyone a fat person:

- if you love food 
- if you’re pregnant
- if you can’t fit your clothes (you might need to buy a 6 or 14 instead of the 4 or 12 you’re forcing yourself into)
- if you’re not having a photogenic day and none of your selfies live up to your posting requirements
- if you’re out of breath after making several trips up the stairs with groceries

The list can grow amazingly long depending on how critical we are of our body and unfortunately, of others.

Growing up bigger than my sister (she was a 00 until she turned 17 and was a 3 until she got pregnant with my nephew at 18), my family considered me the “fat” one. My grandfather called her Po Gal, because she was thin, and called me Fatso, ONLY because I was bigger than her. I HATED THAT SHIT. My friends were usually smaller than me but they were also much shorter. Being a size 2, 4, and 6 is pretty normal when you’re 5"-5'5". I’ve been 5'7.5" since I was 12. Between the age of 12 and 18, I went from a size 6 to a 12. NORMAL. Between the age 18 and 30, I’ve been a 12-16. Most women (not all) will admit to weight fluctuating based on medication (see: birth control for #1 way to gain weight that has nothing at all to do with eating), hormonal changes, stress, menstrual cycles, and just plain old fashion growth. I was 29 when I got pregnant and a size 10/12. My pregnancy wardrobe consisted of sundresses and leggings. I lost 25 lbs the first trimester and didn’t gain it back until my last trimester, in addition to 20 more pounds. By the end, I’d only gone up two sizes. NORMAL.

Even though I lost all but 15 lbs of my pregnancy weight, I sunk into this ugly depression and stopped eating regularly. Started drinking a hell of a lot more and exercised even less. So I gained weight. I’m now a size 18, teetering close to a 20. I am going to lose this weight because I have back and knee injuries from when I was a teen that cannot sustain all of this...not because I think being fat is disgusting. I’m too heavy. Some days I DO feel fat because I AM fat. Other days? I feel fine in my fatness. Ashamed? Never.

Even though I’ve mentioned other things than pregnancy, I called this “being pregnant is not being fat” because that is how a lot of people in society view pregnancy. As a bunch of fat women who are unnecessarily overeating. When I was pregnant the doctor had to remind me to eat MORE because I wasn’t eating enough. The extra eating we do as a mom is not us being a “fatty” or a greedy “fat ass”. We’re feeding our baby, a living, growing organism that needs nourishment just like any other human being. And we gotta stop automatically associating eating food with being fat. People get overweight and obese from other things too and it makes us have unhealthy relationships with food.

But I get it, we can’t let go of how our bodies used to look prior to pregnancy. If our bodies didn’t change to host this growing tiny human, we wouldn’t be able to sustain all the changes and growth that will continue for nine months. Our pregnancy would more than likely terminate early if our body didn’t change. It adapts to bring another life into the world and as difficult as the change can be, we owe it to ourselves to be kind. It encourages other people to look at pregnant women different also. After giving birth, our bodies will take a minute to get back to something we might consider normal but if it doesn’t, it isn’t the end of the world. I had to accept that my boobs weren’t going to be those perky sweater puppies they once were. They were now full, low-hanging fruit of life. Not everybody gets to breast feed their baby because they don’t even produce milk. I could have fed an entire small country of children with all the milk coming out of these jugs. My stomach? Oh, the agony of stretch marks, right? I’ve had stretch marks since I was 8 yrs old because me and my siblings had ridiculous growth spurts. So the additions to my belly? They’re part of life. I don’t necessarily like the after effects of the c-section but I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy little girl and she rarely gets sick, to this day.

We’re only born with one body. If we’re lucky and get some money to create another one, we get two. Kidding but seriously, this is part of treating our body well. Loving it in its entirety. Not calling ourselves things we REALLY aren’t and embracing what we truly are. The shit is contagious and it wouldn’t kill any of us to be a little less of an asshole and a lot more compassionate. Plus, we need to teach our children (girls AND boys) to be comfortable in their skin, not to paint or adopt mental pictures of themselves that aren’t true, and to love themselves.

Not unless we’re dead set on raising the future assholes of America.
it’s my hope that we choose to do better.

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Parts of Me: and The Bug

Took The Bug to see HOME this past Saturday and the show we wanted was sold out so we chose a later time and went to dinner to kill some time before the movie started. I accidentally left my phone in the car and for a quick minute, I sat in the restaurant trying to figure out how to make sure my phone wasn’t lost but just in the car. The Bug must have seen my anxiety because she said, “Mom, I’ll wait here. Your phone is in the car but you go check. I’ll be alright.” I wasn’t leaving her there by herself but I realized how stupid it was to be pressed about that phone. 
Granted, it is important for me to know where my phone is at all times because I’m self-employed and work calls come in all day… and I don’t have a land line. Regardless, at that moment, it wasn’t THAT important. If I had lost it, I had a cloud containing everything I’ve ever downloaded/uploaded and I have insurance. So while I’d rather not spend $150 on another phone, you get the point. 
I chose to sit there phoneless and it hit me that I use my phone for damn near everything. I couldn’t check my bank accounts or email, couldn’t text the hubbs, couldn’t text any of my friends when I saw something funny I wanted to share, couldn’t work, couldn’t write…so many things I do with that thing and I couldn’t do any of them while I was sitting there. 
So I just stared at my kid. I stare at her all the time but I have other things going on that draw my attention away. This time there was nothing to break my gaze and I had a parental moment of sadness wash over me. She isn’t a baby anymore. As much as she looks like me, I have no desire to seriously call her my mini-me. She’s her own person. She has her own facial tics, expressions, and right when I felt some eye water welling up, she looks up and says, “Why are you being creepy? Don’t you have something else to do than stare at me? Gosh, mom” and went back to coloring her menu. 
I didn’t stop staring at her as I laughed. She spoke again without looking up, “Mom, stop staring. You’re making me uncomfortable. Go get your phone. I’ll be alright. Please.” I didn’t leave to get my phone but I did stop staring so intensely. She does and says things that are so much a part of who I am but then without skipping a beat, she’ll say or do something that reminds me so much of her father. Combined, I never really know what I’m going to get but I love it all. 
It made me want to forget my phone more often…because she’s going to be a teenager within a blink of an eye. She won’t be sitting still long enough for me to stare. I might have to go stalk her on social networks. Funny how children draw your attention to all of the more important things without even trying…

Monday, March 16, 2015

Sex Love Joy: Rethinking Traditional Relationships

I had an opportunity to sit with the lovely Anain Bjorkquist and discuss my views on sex, love, joy, relationships and SO much more. Have a listen here.

If you don't have access to iTunes podcasts, feel free to listen on Soundcloud or Stitcher.

Enjoy!

Friday, March 06, 2015

Something Old, Something New


The last entry I posted to this blog was on 2/26/2012...3 years ago. 

A lot has taken place since then and some of those things has led me back to my old blog. 

I left blogger to go post at tumble because it was easier to breathe and write without feeling like I had to edit my life. tumblr is still a great place to hide in plain sight but I tried to fix something that wasn't broken. So I'm back...there's more structure here and after hearing more times than I care to admit, that I should have a site just for writing, this made sense. 

I write on Medium but it's still fairly new and everything I think it will grow to become, Blogger is already. There was a lot of life left in this blog and I'm going to rejuvenate it with all the life I have left in me. 

It's more symbolic for me than anything else and it's kind of where I started to share parts of me growing up. 

So in as few words as possible: I'm back :-)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Music...

People will debate music all day if you let them. I have no problem with music conversations but there are some things folks totally disregard...as an individual, your musical selection is YOUR choice.

I don't listen to EVERYTHING that EVERYONE listens to. I listen to what FEELS good to me. Some songs I like STRICTLY for the lyrical content...other things I like from a production aspect. There is some music that does it for me on both levels and then other music gives me nostalgia and that's what keeps it on repeat. If someone tells me it sucks ass, that's fine...that's their opinion. To tell me that I cannot simply like the production alone is retarded...classical music doesn't really have any lyrics so should I not listen to that? What about the instrumental version of any song?

Sometimes I want to shake people and ask them if they are even aware of HOW music is made. The production is created separate from the lyrics. Most singers/rappers focus on their lyrical content and then they make the magic happen in the studio when they sit down with the Producer to see if it "sounds right". Watch Fade to Black; there are parts that show the process of how Jay-Z put together his music. Some of the tracks that the producers didn't end up using with him, were sold to other artists, some who weren't even rappers. So yes, you can like the beat aside from the words and vice versa.

It isn't until someone says side ways shat like, "I can't respect you if you listen to (insert whatever musical artist you hate)". What the hell are you saying? So you should be respected because you listen to a rap artist who created an album called NIGGA but I should be thrown under the bus because I think Nicki Minaj has some talent? All wigs and seizure like facial expressions aside, she does. Seriously, she reminds me of when I was a teenager and I had this simple obsession with Lil Kim. Listening to Kim made me FEEL like even though I was a female, I could do male things. Who am I to take that away from someone 10 years younger than me because Nicki makes retarded faces? Because I FEEL every bit of music I listen to, there are different aspects of artists that I appreciate. A real artist will bring a different perspective to ANYTHING they do. THAT is what I appreciate AND what I look for.

So when the 2Pac vs B.I.G. debates start up, I gracefully bow out. I have my favorite out of the two but I don't owe you an explanation as to why I like one more than the other. I just do and could it be that there was more I could relate to in one than the other? It doesn't lessen the importance of the other artist...I just like what I like. Telling me that this song of this artist is better than that one is all relative...to what you like more.

When I was in high school, No Limit was worshiped and Cash Money was right behind them fighting for me and my peers attention. The first time my father heard a Cash Money song, he told me it was the worst thing he'd ever listened to. You know what the equivalent of that is today? Someone my age telling an 18 year old that Young Money is garbage and none of them are talented. When my father was a teenager, my grandmother told him that funk and disco was a bunch of noise...because she preferred blues. I grew up on A LOT of funk and disco...a lot of which gets sampled today. My grandmother was too busy hating my parents music to realize that most of the artists they liked actually respected the music she listened to regularly.

Do you understand what I'm saying here? Music is something that will never go away and you don't have to like everything that is put out but don't bash younger artists because you cannot relate to them. That doesn't automatically turn their stuff into "bad music". Yes, I think there are tons of artists that could perfect their craft but instead of taking these artists under their wings and showing them the ropes, old heads artists are just sitting by complaining about "how it used to be".

If we think it is such a travesty that a 17 year old doesn't know who Phyllis Hyman is, play one of her records. Are you shocked and appalled that a 21 year old has never heard of Grand Puba? Pull out your music and enlighten them. This music elitism is some bullshat though and from what I see, I think old heads like knowing something younger people don't know. My opinion? Share your musical knowledge or shut up :-)

What I Miss About Blogger...

I have been posting my thoughts and other randomness solely on tumblr. However, tumblr is more of a visually artistic place than one strictly for reading how people think. I have not checked into this blog in 3 or 4 months and I know exactly what I miss here, now...

...all of the GREAT writing I used to keep up with on a daily basis.

Tumblr is not really appreciated for the poets, storytellers, and objective thoughts.

Since my motivation is geared more towards finishing and publishing my writing, I might be spending more time over here.

The new layout is going to take some getting used to but a change of scenery is a good thing...

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Him...


I read something the other day about a couple that split because the depression was too much for one of them to deal with. It made me think about my spiral into the anxiety filled depression after I had my daughter.
I was experiencing things I had no idea how to deal with. He never left though. I tried to break up with him at least once a week for six months. He stayed. The days I would just stare out the window, he was there to take care of The Bug. Those days when I could barely manage to pull myself out of the bed, he was there to cook, clean, and lay with me. He smiled and hugged me everyday…even on those highly volatile days.
We fought, yelled, cursed, and screamed. He never left though.
Everyday was filled with hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement. 
“We will get through this together. You didn’t leave me when things got tough for me. I’m not going anywhere. If we have to yell, curse, and fight everyday, I will be here to get you through this.”
So when someone pulls a Kim K. on the person they supposedly love so much, I wonder just how much they really loved them. It IS difficult but if ALL of us just want to be loved, why wouldn’t love be enough here?
Before my post partum nightmare, I would often describe him as the most selfish person I had ever met. His selfishness, due to being an only child. The time, emotional strength, and sacrifices he made to stay by my side are priceless though. Sometimes I feel like I owe my life to him because if I had been alone, The Bug might not have a mommy right now.
When I felt like I had no one to understand, it was him who helped me without any judgment. Our relationship might not be the conventional, traditional portrait that others are used to but it works for us. I would not have wanted to experience this with anyone other than him.
The most selfish person in my world turned out to be the most giving…he solidified a spot in my heart and life that was a revolving door. He encompassed what I have always believed a best friend should be. He loved me when I was at my most unlovable.
While people grow apart everyday, THIS is why no one could ever take his place. Regardless of us staying in a romantic relationship, he will always be the greatest love of my life…

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Vulnerability


It is something I HATE working on but I still do it.
I do not like intentionally letting people know what hurts me the most. Being taken advantage of is not the business. However, I do not build walls to see who will tear them down. I would be expecting far more from others than I would be giving.
It is not fair for me to punish people who WANT to know me because someone else did not amount to shit. I have grown to accept that it IS a part of life. People come and go. Learning how to let go is sometimes the difficult part. Not, refusing to feel. That is only a mind game we play with ourselves.
We eventually lose and that is when it hurts even more. That game will wear anyone out. Leaving us in a “why me” state of mind. Why you? Why not? Sometimes we get these thoughts in our heads that we are above normal human being stuff. I attribute it mainly to ego. 
How we bounce back from effed up shat and people, is the determining factor of how well we deal with LIFE. There are some things I have not bounced back from. I acknowledge them when they come up. One day, I will get over them. Until then, I allow myself vulnerable moments. I write.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Life...and Where It Is Taking Me

I said that I was going to do better about posting to this blog...it hasn't happened yet. I spend SO much time on tumblr that I forget to update Blogger. There is a certain level of calm on that website that I no longer felt I had over here. There are several people who I KNOW have access to this blog so that is why I don't post here as frequently anymore. Sometimes I want to just get things off of my chest, free of judgment from those I care about. I wanted to write freely without everyone and their mama thinking I was writing about THEM.

However, since I am making MORE of a conscious effort to make certain life adjustments, I am choosing to get over that shat. There are some things that I changed about myself, in an effort to get along better with those I loved and called "friend". However, those adjustments were made for people who weren't too willing to do the same. I have a TOTALLY different perspective when it comes to...humanity. 

My initial views might have come across as me being naive and gullible. I'm a person who operates on face value, most of the time. However, there are a LOT of people who leave a LOT of things "hidden" about themselves. I've never believed that I should have to dig you out of your shell. Either you're going to be your TRUE self around me, or you're not. If it comes to my attention that you're a fraud at life, then you have to go. My tolerance for humankind has limits now....

That tolerance is not in reference to personal life choices people make. That tolerance is in reference to how much I will let slide, AS IT PERTAINS TO HOW I AM TREATED. I don't desire to be around adults that behave like children. Since we ARE adults, I will expect EVERYONE who CHOOSES to interact with me, TO ACT LIKE IT. If you can't, that's fine. We just won't be close. And...no one is grandfathered in. I don't care if we have been cool for 15 years...when the tantrums, brattiness, and selfishness appears, I'm saying something IMMEDIATELY. If someone doesn't like it, too bad; we don't have to stay friends.

Life has ALWAYS taken me on some GREAT adventures. Some of them have been invigorating and enjoyable, while others have seemed like pages out of Dante's Inferno. Either way, they have ALL been learning experiences. I feel like I've matured in certain areas where I don't have to KEEP learning the same thing. I got it, it's all good, and it's time to learn some new shat.

I'm currently looking forward to processing different things AND people. So here's to life and where it's taking me!

Friday, February 25, 2011

about Amber and Ann...


Yesterday, I sat down and talked to two other mothers who experienced Post Partum Depression and Post Partum Anxiety. We talked for almost 2 hours about the women we were before pregnancy, the women we became after having the baby, and the women we wanted to ultimately become. The entire time I talked to them, I could not help feeling a slight tinge of sadness that I had to find comfort from the ears of strangers…versus those who I had grown close to over the years.
It felt good to REALLY know that there are some women who have gone through EXACTLY what I have experienced in the last couple of years. I have read several accounts of women with PPD and my mother shared her experience with me. However, these women were sitting right across from me…and this has made a huge difference. They never assumed I was going to kill my daughter or that I even harbored those feelings. They were compassionate and empathetic. It was more of a relief and it actually helped.
This morning, a young lady tweeted how we are taught to take care of ourselves physically but most of us are not taught anything in regards to mental health. It is very true in my case.
I can still hear my father telling me, “No one really likes a stupid girl so that is why intelligence is so important.” So being smart was his focus. My mother was intent on teaching me all of the things that would allow me to be a good mate to someone one day (cooking, cleaning, submission, etc.). In the midst of ALL that teaching, never once did my parents teach me or my siblings how to deal with our “demons”. I honestly believe it was because they did not how to deal with their own.
After talking to Amber and Ann, it solidified my decision to educate my daughter about mental health. Just as eating McDonald’s everyday will ultimately lead to debilitating health, so will not releasing her emotions in a healthy way. I was taught not to cry, even when I was in physical pain. This taught me how to have a high tolerance to physical pain. I adopted the same attitude when it came to my mental health too…because my parents were not too keen on fully discussing how we felt either. At 31, I know that this has not helped me AT ALL.
Listening to Amber and Ann express how important it was for their children to be okay with how they felt, let me know I am not the only parent who obsesses about wanting the best, ACROSS THE BOARD, for their child. I do not want my daughter to ever feel like she has no one to go to. My parents live thousands of miles from me, as do my siblings. Pooda’s other grandparents live in another state and her father has no siblings. So sometimes it IS just us three. We are all we got. I never want her to forget that either…
Our friends are not always there for us when we need them the most and that is when you realize, sometimes you are more of a friend to other people than they are a friend to you. There is a quote that says, in summary, if you cannot deal with me at my worst, then you do not deserve me at my best. Every time I have tried to talk with someone I THOUGHT was close to me and they give off the vibe that this is not the conversation they want to have, I remember that quote. From the outside looking in, I might not appear to be “at my worst” but mentally, I know I am.
If we are REAL friends, you should at least have the balls to say “hey, I don’t know how to respond to this”. Completely brushing it off as if it is of no concern though? That lets me know where we stand. I have never desired to have friends who are not FULLY supportive so this shedding period has probably been long past due. We all want different things out of friendships but this is essential for me. Talking to Amber and Ann gave me the necessary clarity to just move the fuck on and away from these people.
They might be perfect friends to someone else but it is time for me to let go. I would say it is nothing personal but…it is. I am at a different place in life right now and I need people around me that understand that. If they do not want to see me walk away, they will communicate like the adults they are. If their level of comfort is more important, THAT, I will not take personal.  How could I when my level of comfort is SO important right now?
Amber is about to have her second son and she gave me the assurance I have been trying to swallow…it DOES get better. She said I might not walk away from this with EVERYTHING I desire but you cannot have it all. I knew that because logically, how could you not? But when it comes to how you FEEL, logic sometimes gets thrown out of the window. Sure it is easy to say “GET THE FUCK OVER IT!” but it is not that easy to do. MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS CHANGED…in two years. One day people will fully grasp that…
I was making good money at my job, driving the vehicle of my dreams, eating out whenever and wherever I wanted, taking trips out of town, picking up entire tabs when me and my friends would go out, buying clothes/shoes whenever I wanted, dating whoever I wanted, and other stuff that made my life SEEM grand.
ALL of that has changed…I am living the COMPLETE opposite of EVERYTHING I mentioned above. Anyone who says it is not that serious…is delusional. I had been independent for 13 years; moved out at 16 yrs old and been taking care of myself since then. There was no going back and forth to my parents financially or emotionally. So imagine what having to depend on someone else NOW would do to someone…while I have this tiny person who needs 100% of me. Yes, there is someone else going through a more terrible ordeal than I but the flip side to that is, there is someone else experiencing a better life than what I am living. Sorrow, pain, and adversity is all relative….
ALL pain feels the same…it hurts…regardless of it being a knife wound or a gun shot.
I will never downplay anyones anguish…so please do not downplay mine. If you cannot deal, just go away. We will both be better off.
So here is to improved mental health :-D

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

about MY postpartum depression...


I had a great doctor that looked out for me while I was pregnant. She could sense things about me and my pregnancy without me ever saying anything. It was uncomfortable for someone I barely knew to be so empathetic to what I was going through. I passed it off as her just doing her job and being good at it.
She always asked me how I felt about my pregnancy and I gave her very vague responses because…I did not know her. Every visit though, she would tell me that if I needed to talk about ANYTHING, she was there and to just call her. I had a pretty complicated pregnancy too; my daughter was 100% fine the entire time though.
However, my body was not adjusting because of other things that were going. Anytime I would call her about the complications though, she would call me back within 5-10 minutes…no matter how small the complication was. Several times she called me just to check on me. During those times, she would always ask if I was okay and if I needed to talk. Of course because I did not really know her, I always said, “I’m good but thanks for asking”.
After I had the baby, I had to take this test to see if I was headed down the road of postpartum depression. I tucked the test away because I figured if I did not focus on that, it would not happen. She repeatedly asked if I took the test and I finally did. I lied on the test because…I was embarrassed. As I sit here typing, I wish I had not.
She asked me several times after the test if I had been honest and I lied every single time. 
I figured, back then, that maybe this depression thing was all in mind, no pun intended. Any time I mentioned it to someone I always got the same responses:
  • you’re better than that
  • you’re not really depressed
  • you’re strong enough to get over that
  • oh please!
The only people who actually took my concerns seriously were two people who were thousands of miles away from me…my mother and my sister. I have never missed them so much. This is not something I can deal with over the phone or through an email. I need my mother and my sister….
I think that some people see who I was before my daughter and think that I should automatically have stayed that way. Having a child is a HUGE life changing experience and if a simulation existed that could allow people to even relate a little bit, I would suggest EVERYONE test it out. I thought I was strong enough to withstand anything…but I am not.
I wish the people I was closest to understood this…it is not an act. It is not a cry for attention. It is my life and I do not want to keep feeling like this every day but…I do. I worry about my daughter all the time because I just want to be a good mother to her but I feel other things too. It is a neverending cycle that I sometimes sit and attempt to solve…but I do not think straight all the time. A large portion of my daily thoughts are how and what I can do to MAKE myself end this.
Asking for help from people who do not understand this is sometimes like speaking Spanish to someone who only hears English. Some people genuinely feel there is nothing they can do to help someone in this state. 
I look at my daughter and see how independent she is and it pains me. She does not even like anyone to hold her hand…much like me. I just want her to know that it is okay to ask for help and KEEP asking until you get what you need. I did not KEEP asking for help and it put me in this predicament. Now, when I ask for help, it is not received well and I am misunderstood. Maybe I am not conveying my thoughts as well as I once did but I am actively trying.
ALL of this is new to me…this level of depression…having to depend on someone else…giving up my freedom…raising this tiny, wonderful person who just wants to learn everything from me…and I feel like I have very little to teach her sometimes. It is taking some time for me to adjust and there are days I sit and just pray for help…
I guess the good that can come out of this is…whoever cannot deal with me at my worst will fade out of my life. My only hope is that the people who claim to love me the most, stick with me while I make my way through this.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

trying not to neglect blogger anymore...

I intended to come back and post on Blogger but I have a love/hate relationship with it.

There are a lot of things/people I have been separating myself from since Babybottoms was conceived. Accepting that people you once cared for, do not have your best interest at heart...hurts.

But...moving forward...I am back to submerging myself in my writing. I am in my 30's now and one day closer to my goals I had dreamed up in my 20's. I have had some MAJOR, difficult life changes; some things I have had a constant battle with every day...other things I have grasped and never looked back.

I am grateful for ALL of the life experiences I have had in the last two years. It has started the process of filtering I was putting off for a while now. The things I attempted to change, thinking it was going to make me a better person, I found out are the things I need to keep the same.

I have just been living :)

So now, I am moving forward, living my life to the best of my ability. They say your 30's are supposed to be fun so that is what I am looking forward to. Spending my days with people who matter...with those who love me and my little family UNCONDITIONALLY. I know that is not an easy task to take on for ANYONE because it requires patience and learning every day. However, this is the stage of life I am at and I am excited to get to my future :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

about love...

I posted this on my tumblr earlier this week but I figured this would be a good blog to break my Blogger Sabbatical with. Enjoy and comment as much as you like :)


There are tons of individuals looking for love, day in and day out. I am truly amazed at how many search for love when the basis for it is in the same book they herald as the gospel.
So, I was a little shocked to see Reverend Run say, “What is love??? Love is like a rumor. Ppl talk about it„ but no1 truly knows 4 sure”. Being a reverend, who believes in the Bible, I would have thought he would have used this opportunity to tell people what love REALLY is about. He IS married to a woman he loves…right?
The Bible pulls no punches about WHAT love is though.
“Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…” - 1 Cor. 13:4-8a (New World Translation)
Even if you do not use the Bible as a point of reference, many of us have been at that same point where we were frustrated with love…because we were experiencing all the things it was not. So, if you can decipher what love IS NOT, you should be able to understand what IT IS. However, what I have seen is a lot of people so focused on making sure the other person involved abides by the rules of love, that they do not practice it themselves.
At some point we have all wanted to be loved or to love someone we felt was special. If someone asked me what love was, I would be able to tell them because I love myself and that is where it always starts. Maybe that is the real issue…maybe some of us feel we do not really KNOW love because we have not mastered love of self before we try to love and be loved by someone else. I would never claim that loving anyone is easy as breathing but if you are looking for it, you cannot do it selfishly and it requires A LOT of patience.
So no, love is not like a rumor, where people talk about it but they do not know for sure. People KNOW…they just might not want to do everything it takes to actually experience what it really is. Maybe if some people were more honest with themselves about who they are, they could see that.
P. S. - Reverend Run has 1,660,087 people following him that he tweeted that quoted statement above, to. I sincerely hope that those who respect what he has to say also have the ability to think for themselves. Everything that people of influence tells us, is not always accurate.

Friday, September 24, 2010

My Self Imposed Sabbatical

I am taking a break from other people for the next 90 days.

What I mean by that is, I will be focusing on me and my needs before anyone elses (other than Babybottoms). I have been putting it off for a good year now and my efforts to do it previously were half assed. I don't want to engage in other people's issues/problems...I only want to be concerned about what pertains to me. That sounds mean and callous but it isn't. As a friend, I tend to take on too much in regards to my friends/family and their emotional needs...I refuse to do it anymore. Just as they concern themselves with THEIR problems, I need to follow suit and worry ONLY, about me. I no longer want to carry anyone elses burden, even if it is JUST listening to their drama. I don't want to hear it; it isn't benefiting me and no one is offering me any money to play therapist. So...I am not interacting with anyone on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook...or Blogger.

This is day 1 of 90 and I am replying to some people in regards to "where are you going". I'm not "going" anywhere. I just need some time to MYSELF. I figure, if the man I live with can give me 90 days to sort through some necessary things, surely everyone else can, right? And if they/you can't, we probably needed to go our separate ways anyway. This was not brought on by anyone in particular so there is no blame to cast.

I will be updating other things, like Babybottoms blog and my fitness blog but that is about it. These are a couple things that my time will be focused on and in order for me to move forward with my goals,  I will write about them. I want to come back refreshed, renewed, and rejuvenated (all those words kind of mean the same but so what...it sounded good in my mind). I encourage anyone who needs a break and can take one, to do so. See you on Day 91 if you're still around! :)

Sunday, September 19, 2010

She'll Be One Soon!

Can you believe Babybottoms is going to be ONE YEAR OLD on 9/27? Twelve months sure did zoom by! She's maturing at a pretty quick pace and being doggedly independent (much like her ma). My baby is still a baby but fighting me every day to be a big girl. No one is more proud of her than me and her father. 

So, with that being said, I know there are some people who have grown close to her and want to share her first full year of life with her on her special day. However, we are not throwing her a birthday. This is in no way a reflection of what we feel you should do with your child. For one, we aren't really big "birthday" people and...Babybottoms is turning ONE...not 13, 16, 21, or 30. What happens on 9/27/10, she will forget all about when she wakes up on 9/28/10. With that being the case, we just wanted to spend that day with her...by ourselves.

Is that asking too much? I mean, not only is it affordable but it would mean more to us. When she came into this world, it was just me and daddy there. So until she expresses that she wants a party, which will probably be once she starts making friends, it'll more than likely just be us 3. Before anyone starts giving all the reasons as to WHY we should have a party, don't. I've heard all of those reasons since the moment I started telling people I was pregnant.

I just feel like...you're allowed to throw your kid a big, expensive, extravagant party and you don't want anyone telling you that you're wasting money so...let us do our thing over here. Each family operates differently; children can't miss something they've never had. I have no problem with children having parties and if my friends invited me to their kids event, I would more than likely come. I just don't like being made to feel like "because everyone does it" is why I should do it.  No, we're not mean ass parents who don't want Logan to have any fun. We just do things differently.

I mean, people are acting like I'm committing a sin before God because I haven't prepared a party, sent out invitations, and registered her for gifts. Everyone who claims to be important to our family should know her birthday and if they don't, they can ask. If they want to get her a gift for her birthday, they can. We aren't opposed to that either. We're just not having a party. What is so difficult to understand about that?

So for anyone who cares to know...my baby girl will be ONE, next Monday. Feel free to wish her another happy year of life :)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

About Taylor Swift

*sigh* my people, my people...when are we going to stop taking up for people simply because we like them? If right is right and wrong is wrong, why would you totally disregard the fact that Kanye jumping on the stage to speak his mind INAPPROPRIATELY is UNACCEPTABLE? I don't give a damn if it was some bum on the street giving a speech at the VMA's...people need to KNOW their place and stay in it.

I mean, seriously, are you going to tell me that if we were at a ceremony and you were awarded something that I PERSONALLY felt should have gone to someone else, it is okay for me to INTERRUPT your "shine time" to state MY OPINION? Because contrary to what any of the blind sycophants want to say, THAT WAS KANYE'S OPINION. But it is alright because it is Kanye? All of you who think that, are full of shat and if your child EVER makes valedictorian, I will make it my personal business to ruin their day when they graduate from high school and college. My opinion should matter too, right? WRONG

If we want to talk about what she DESERVED, who are YOU OR KANYE to say she didn't deserve it? Yes, I wrote about this last year when it happened but the level of ignorance that ran through my timeline when the VMA's aired this year disturbed me. It showed me that for certain celebrities AND to blend in with "the cool kids", people will cosign on f*cking foolishness. Seriously, who actually knows what Taylor Swift has accomplished? For those of you who think that Kanye "made her career", read below. F*cking clowns...
  • at 14 years of age, she became the youngest person EVER to be signed as a professional songwriter at Sony/ATV Publishing; she signed her first deal before she could drive
  • at 17, she became the youngest person to single-handedly write and sing a #1 country hit entirely on her own
  • since 11/2008 her album, FEARLESS, has spent more weeks at #1 on Billboard's ALL-GENRE Top 200 chart THAN ANY OTHER ALBUM THIS DECADE and helped sell more albums in 2008 and 2009 than any other artist, in any genre of music
  • she is the FIRST country artist IN THE HISTORY OF SOUNDSCAN to have NOT ONE, BUT TWO SINGLES reach #1 on the Pop Chart
  • her FEARLESS Tour sold out every show in minutes, INCLUDING EVERY SEAT IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN...in 60 seconds
  • she is the FIRST country artist to receive a "Moon Man" award
  • the first artist to receive the Academy of Country Music's "Crystal Milestone Award" was Garth Brooks; she is the second
  • she is the youngest artist to EVER win the 2009 American Music Award for Artist of the Year, and the 2009 CMA Award for Entertainer of the Year
  • FEARLESS has reached Gold and Platinum status in 14 countries spanning 5 continents
  
Do you know how old she is as of today? Taylor Swift is 20 years old. Do the math. She didn't NEED Kanye to boost her career; she was well on her way. Music has been HER LIFE...just like the woman Kanye FELT should have gotten the award.

The BIG issue I have with all of these f*ck ass opinions in regards to her being immature and childish by writing a song that was assumed to be about Kanye is...NO ONE COMPLAINS ABOUT THESE DUMB ASS RAPPERS DOING THE SAME THING. If we're even going to call this a diss track, Hit Em Up and Ether are ALWAYS being heralded as two of THE BEST diss tracks EVER recorded. But she gets called immature...right. You all make SO much sense. Also, it was immature for her to retaliate against someone who obviously didn't care enough to give a f*ck in the first place? Yeah, a year later isn't my style but this gets filed under cause and effect folks. Go ahead and say it...it's because she sings country music that she isn't allowed to write diss tracks. Why are you paying attention to the genre of music she excels in now? You didn't give two flying f*cks about that when you were busy attributing her success to a man too arrogant to realize he needed to have some tact and keep his ass in his seat during an awards ceremony.

So no, Kanye didn't say what EVERYONE else was thinking. He said what YOU were thinking because YOU either didn't know ANYTHING about her accomplishments or...you're just biased as f*ck and give certain people passes to act an ass. 

I see people complain and rant about others being too lazy to use the internet for this and that...yet I heard nor saw anyone do ANY research on Taylor. You don't have to care about her or the genre of music she sells but at least be respectful and stop talking out the side of your damn neck. You wouldn't want anyone downplaying your life accomplishments and I can guarantee that EVERYONE reading this has not done ANYTHING even remotely as impressive as what she did at 14...myself included. 

Have some respect people...that's all I'm saying. RESPECT THE CRAFT...and other people's hard work.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

You Ain't About That Beyonce Life. Sit Down.


I am probably one the most honest Beyonce fans alive and it is because I am not offended by the fact that she is manufactured. If you say that out loud in a room full of her psycho stans though, you are liable to catch a hate crime kind of beat down. Let us be serious for a second though…are you going to tell me that she was not created to appease the mass appeal for glamour?
Do not lie to yourself and think otherwise.
I have been a Beyonce Gisselle fan since she uttered her first “No, No, No”. I have 2 copies of EVERY Destiny’s Child cd, as well as, her solo projects. When her mother was doing her hair and styling her wardrobe, I was part of her loyal fan base. I HATED a lot of those outfits and her hair? Let us just say, I am thankful she took that full-time job from her mother and gave it to someone else. She did not always have that style women/girls covet today. What we see today was necessary in order to retain a fan base that actually spends money. 
If you are REALLY a fan you should know a little about someone you obsess over, right? So about her husband…considering her family and how she was raised do you really think that she would date someone with Shawn Carter’s REAL history, if she was a normie? I do not know too many women TODAY who would WILLINGLY date a man who tells the world that he used to sell cocaine and that is basically how he started his empire. Most women are too afraid of that lifestyle to deal with men like that…but THAT is her husband. Even though she does not speak much on her dating history, we know this is the man she has allowed the media to attach her to for the last 10 years. She also does not acknowledge any former boyfriends. So does anyone else really count? No.
Pooda Bear’s dad and I have technically been with each other for the last 4 years. We are CONSTANTLY being barraged by family about when we are going to get married. Who in the f*ck rushed Beyonce and Shawn? They have been involved with each other in some “close” capacity for a LONG ASS TIME. Her life might not really be what you want, dears. I do not know too many women who would do 4 years like me, let alone the 8 years Bey went through before Shawn DECIDED to put a ring on it.
However, so MANY girls/women listen to Put A Ring On It and because Beyonce said to MAKE him do it, men are being “bullied” into settling down. Be realistic. If that was your random, nobody ass friend telling you to make him settle down if he really wants you and her dude did not wife her up for 8 years, you would give her a side eye. Mentally, you would have told her all kinds of shut the f*ck ups AND disregarded her advice. But because it is Beyonce…you listen and apply.
I think a lot of girls/women get sucked into the glamour of WHO she is. Often, it is forgotten that some of the things she does are more so career moves…not necessarily what she would do if she was a “regular” woman working a simple 9-5 in Texas. This is where the problem enters for all the normies. You can definitely aspire to be Beyonce/Sasha but if you think for one second you can maintain any sense of normalcy to your life, you are wrong.
Guys get a bad rap for trying to emulate these rap stars but I look at it no different than women who sit around listening to Beyonce all day. While some of her lyrics MIGHT really be part of her life, a lot of it is created to entertain the public. Honestly, could you really deal with her life? Just like her husband is cut from a different cloth, so is she. Beyonce could probably get on Twitter right now and rant about something Shawn has done to piss her off. Does she? No because she is not about THAT life…which is probably more similar to your normal ass life. She has a brand/image to protect and doing typical women things would be a distraction to HER main goal…getting that guap.
Some people say her alter ego is some bullsh*t and that is who she REALLY is. I definitely think there is a part of her psyche that likes the freeness Sasha allows her but it is believable that she might really be shy. Hollywood will eat you up and spit you out if you have a docile demeanor. They constantly want you to prove you deserve to be where you are in the limelight. When she wakes up, before one foot comes out of that bed, she has to accept that her life is not normal. Being Sasha could be more of a coping mechanism than anyone realizes.
However, aren’t we normal people told that being someone in one setting and being a totally different person with other people is two-faced? You see why this behavior could only work with a celebrity? My whole point in writing this is to say do not get sucked up in these peoples lives. They are paid to entertain you and I. They can no longer live the life we have and we could not possibly live their life, unless we had money. When you become famous, your priorities change. You have to decide if you want the fame, money, and intrusiveness that comes with that territory…or if you want to go back to the simple life.
If you choose that life, there are LOTS of things you have to let go of. You see, no one is interested in me today because I am no one to them…and neither are you. If by chance, I woke up tomorrow with my face on the cover of Vogue, Elle, People, and US and $100 million in my bank account, EVERYTHING would have to change. I instantly become one of the most interesting people in the world.
Whatever you want in life, you must prepare for that BEFORE you get it. I think a lot of people disregard all that “training” Beyonce did before actually “getting on”. It was preparation for the life she lives today. Granted, I am sure there are some things that came as a total surprise to her but her ability to adjust while being in the public eye is impeccable. I admire her because she keeps her eye on the prize WHILE doing something she loves. She has distractions just like the rest of us because she is human but HOW she deals with them is a trait we could all learn from.
So, the next time you listen to one of her songs, see her on a red carpet, or wish you had her relationship, remember, there is always a trade off…her life is no more perfect than yours or mine. She just has money…and if money was not everything, why would you even want to be her? Something to think about...

Thursday, September 02, 2010

She's Not Cute. Why Is He With Her?

Many people are guilty of looking at a relationship and if one of the people are not what we deem as attractive, rhetorically asking, "Ugh! Why is he even with her?" I am sure some men do this too but for the most part, you hear women say it, as if being "pretty" is the only reason someone could possibly BE with someone else. I have said it before but I know better than to REALLY believe this is the only reason a man could possibly love and marry a woman. Sometimes the most successful relationships are with people who aren't beauty queens or stunning charmers. People who don't spend ALL of their free time on "looking good" have time to work on other endearing, everlasting qualities like AND...their personalities.

When I have said it, I can honestly say I was joking because I know better. However, I am beginning to think that some women are dead ass serious when making this statement. It makes me a little concerned. I see all of these blogs, tweets, articles, etc. written about women having problems finding men. Could it be because your focus is on the wrong thing? If you are over 25 and looking to get into a serious relationship, whether you are male or female, your main concern should be how someone is going to treat you. I think it should be a big concern if you are under 25 but most people in that age bracket aren't trying to settle down with one person so your relationship priorities tend to be different.

Seriously, if your biggest concern is "why is he with her? she's fat/ugly/can't dress/etc", you might not need to be in a relationship at all. Could it be that he actually loves her? Isn't that what's most important? I hear and see so many people CLAIM they want a man/woman but what they are projecting doesn't say that. It says "I want someone to show off to my family and friends". As you mature, you find out that having a "trophy" for a relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be. That's some high school shat.
If you're an outsider looking in, there is a plethora of things you'll never be privy to that makes those two people think the world of each other. I wish people would get that. This quick blog was prompted by the recent antics of Mr. Clifford Harris. Everyone has an opinion (myself included) about his recent f*ckery from last night. In the midst of all the monkey chatter, some people mentioned that he needed drugs to deal with his ugly ass wife. Really? 1) what does her level of attraction have to do with their overall stupidity and 2) stick to the topic; they've been together for damn near 10 years, if he was really tripping off how she looks, he would have been gave her the boot. Apparently, he isn't as shallow as you baby pool wading muthasuckas.
 

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